10 Tips for Surviving a Real-Life Horror Movie

It could happen: You could find yourself one day living a horror movie plot. Whether it is due to zombies, supernatural shenanigans or a crazed serial killer wielding assorted cutlery and home improvement tools, you could one day find yourself faced with surviving a horrific scenario. Here are a few tips to help you survive a real-life horror movie.

Important Tip #1 Stay Away from the Book - If you come across a mysterious book, DO NOT read aloud from it. View any mysterious book with suspicion, but if it appears to be bound in leather with a flesh-like quality, stay far, far away. Reading this book will most likely bring about Armageddon or at least the destruction of your soul. Not only should you not read aloud from the book, but when you look at it, be sure to use a bookmark. Supernatural forces of evil and librarians agree that dog-earing pages is just not okay and deserves eternal punishment.

Important Tip #2 Ditch the Romantic Thoughts - If you are in the midst of a catastrophe or on the run from a crazed killer, do not stop to have an amorous interlude. Being covered in blood and shrieking in terror does not make someone sexy. If you think so, then you need to get help. This is also not the time to try to get a date. Asking "So if we make it out alive, you think we can hook up?" isn't a wise move. Your mind needs to be focused on the problem at hand. Having sex during a horror movie is a death sentence. It's pretty simple - Have Sex = Death, Don't Have Sex = Potential Survival. The choice is obvious.

Important Tip #3 Don't Go Looking for Trouble -When a crazed killer is on the loose, do not go outside, into the basement, or into the closet looking for the strange noise you just heard. Likewise, do not investigate the creepy house that you are pretty certain has something or someone waiting inside to kill, maim or dismember you. If it's your house, then you might need to take the chance, but if you have no reason to go into the house - then just don't. If you hear awful things outside, stay inside. If you are outside and hear awful things in your house - unless you have family members in the house, stay outside. No brainer.

Important Tip #4 Stay Together - When you are in a situation of dire straits, do not split up and go anywhere alone. Just like the red-shirted guy on Star Trek who beams onto the planet's surface, separating from a group means you will die. Play it safe and stick with others. You never know - if this is a zombie movie you are living out then perhaps others in your group run slowly. This can come in handy.

Important Tip #5 Don't Walk Away from Your Car in the Dark - If your car is stranded on the side of the road after dark, do not leave the car and walk in the hopes that someone will pick you up or you will find a mysterious town somewhere along the way. While walking might be a good idea, walking in the dark on a strange road never is. You will be safer - and more alive - by staying with your LOCKED car until daylight.

Important Tip #6 Ouija Board = Bad - Never touch a ouija board. You might think it's all just fun and games but tell that to the evil spirit or demon who uses that silly game to come out into your world and screw up your life. When your stupid friends show up and say "Hey! Look at what I've got - this will be a hoot!" you should shove them back out the door, maybe give them a kick in the pants for their idiotic idea. If they disagree or take offense, tell them to come back and plead their case after their head has spun around and they've projectile vomited a few times. Think they'll see it as fun then? I think not. They should have listened to you.

Important Tip #7 Always Take the Shot - Do not hesitate to take action when confronted with an evil creature. If you have a gun and can shoot said creature, do so. To hesitate means you will become a victim and possibly lunch. Don't ever assume that said evil creature is dead. Even better, if you have a shotgun with double ought buckshot you don't need to worry about the double tap.

Important Tip #8 Don't Trust a Bad Guy or Creature - Do not listen to any type of reasoning that an evil creature, murderous psychopath or otherwise unsavory beast might have. They will lie to you and try to cajole you into trusting them. Sure, they might say things that make sense in some ways but in the end they are just really trying to get you to put down your weapons and allow them to get close enough to hack you up, eat you or kill you in some other horrific way. Don't trust a bad guy.

Important Tip #9 Run Far from Haunted Houses - In the event of a haunting, a mysterious message written in blood on the walls of your home is something to be taken seriously. If the message says "Get out or die," you should definitely pay attention. If you get said message and then discover your favorite pet dead somewhere in the house, get your stuff and get out. The message sender isn't playing games. If you pulled them into your home through the use of a ouija board, then you should count yourself lucky you're not already dead, dumbass. (Remember #6? Go back and read it again.)

Important Tip #10 Shut Up! - Know how to be quiet. Excessive talking and noise has killed more than one person in horror movies. Even if the killer is nowhere around, the other people you are with probably don't like your constant yacking and blathering. Even if the evil creature, beast or killer doesn't get to you, if you are annoying enough your companions may offer you up as a sacrificial lamb. Don't be that guy - keep your mouth shut.

Familiarize yourself with these tips before you are actually faced with a horror movie scenario. Know what to do and how to handle every situation that you may come up against. Know how to survive, don't be an idiot.