Making Long-Distance Relationships Work Takes Effort

Every time I mention my long-distance relationship, someone chimes in with: "I'm never doing that again!" I never thought I would be able to do it. Certainly not for four years. My boyfriend and I went on our first date the day before he moved to the west coast. I stayed east. Initially, we did not make a conscious decision to begin and commit to a long distance relationship. We just never put the phone down. It became evident to me that I was happier in a phone relationship with him than I would ever be with someone in my hometown.

Knowing that he is the only person for me certainly makes our relationship easier. Without this confidence, it would be impossible to sustain. I've learned that, just as in all relationships, communication is key. Weak, inconsistent, and insincere communication breads distrust and allows you to grow apart. Connect as much as you can! My boyfriend and I talk throughout the day. Technology makes it so easy!

The most important advice I can give is: be you, say what's on your mind, and most importantly, listen. Pay attention to the person on the other end - listen to the tone of their voice, keep their day-to-day context in mind. In long-distance relationships, it's easy to perpetuate small misunderstandings. If he doesn't call when you expect him to, don't assume it's because he isn't thinking about you or worse. Allow each other breathing room and space; I know this sounds ironic... all you have is space in a long-distance relationship, right?

From personal experience, I saw myself being more possessive and controlling at times. Remember that you wouldn't be in this relationship if you didn't trust him and he wouldn't stay with you through the difficulties of a long-distance relationship if he didn't love you. It's always best to share all your thoughts and feelings openly, regardless of what they are - long-distance relationships are no place for mind-games, subtleties or passive aggressive behavior.

Use the distance to get to know your partner in a deeper way. You'll notice how close you can become just by being on the phone. Think about it this way: if you were living together, you'd probably come home from work (late, tired, maybe cranky), sit down and chat through dinner, and then settle on the couch for some quiet snuggling and TV. The snuggling does sound nice, but... think about how much more talking you do on the phone. You can't have quiet time on the phone - you're forced to talk at length. The constant communication will help you not only grow as a couple, but grow as a person. I've learned how to support my boyfriend through difficult times without the possibility of being there in person. I've learned to be creative, engaging, and introspective. I've also learned that couples in strong long-distance relationships experience closeness unlike other couples. I am so grateful for this connection and looking back, I would not trade our long-distance relationship for anything.

In conclusion, look at your long-distance relationship as an opportunity to come closer together and get to know each other at a deeper level. It can only work if you are 100% open in everything. You have to prioritize your phone time and you have to become the best listener you can possibly be. And, above all, you need trust. Whenever you feel insecure, just remember that you are both making a choice daily to stay together; in spite of the distance.

Long-distance relationships are not easy but if you have made the decision to follow this path, you already know it's worth it.

Here are some quick tips to keep you happy and strong in long-distance relationships:

1. Talk about your expectations for the relationship and set some soft ground rules. For example, you'll both commit to speaking on the phone daily.
2. Share every thing: the more details you share about your daily life, the better.
3. Include each other in all short-term and long-term decisions.
4. Visit each other frequently within your financial means and make the best of that time. Meet all of each other's friends, co-workers and family.
5. Take vacations together and seek out new experiences where you can share something unique.
6. Apologize - don't be afraid to say sorry and admit when you've overreacted.
7. Don't let your emotions build up; if something made you unhappy or angry, talk about it until you feel comfortable.
8. Practice active listening: ask questions and show your understanding by giving your utmost attention on the phone
9. Just because you're long-distance, allow yourselves to take trips and vacations with other people.
10. Set fair expectations around who will visit whom and how you'll pay for it. Avoid making this a point of contention
11. I've said it before... communicate. Communicate. It's the only thing that will guarantee longevity and happiness.
12. Be honest about everything and do not ever keep a secret, no matter how small.