10 Easy Steps to Destroy Your Marriage

More than any other relationship we may have in our lives, marriage by far is the most fragile of these. Easily broken and difficult to mend, marriage, love and intimacy can be destroyed quickly, easily and almost effortlessly. To ensure that your marriage ends even before it has time to flourish, incorporate these ten simple steps into your daily life.

1. Abandon all forms of common courtesy that you would, without question, demonstrate to your local bank teller, grocery clerk, neighbor or a friend. Thank you, please and pardon me have no place in this process.

2. Insist on building your lives around your schedule, your interests, your priorities and your lifestyle. Always remember that any attempt on your spouse's part to be considered in plans or decisions is selfish and should be pointed out as such repeatedly.

3. When your spouse annoys you, always make sure that you communicate that loudly, clearly and repeatedly regardless of how minuscule the offense. At times, your annoyance may not be caused by an actual offense at all, but rather something entirely unrelated to your spouse. Do not let this deter you from making sure that your spouse knows how much you are bothered by their very presence at the moment.

4. Incorporate as many double standards into your marriage as possible. It is perfectly fine for you to schedule time with your friends and still be angry if your spouse does the same. It is also acceptable to have opposing rules for your spending habits than those of your spouse, and opposing expectations of contributions to the household at large. If you find that your spouse takes offense to this, gently integrate words such as childish, selfish, "it's not the same," and "oh, please" into the conversation.

5. Convince yourself that your words speak louder than your actions. There is nothing wrong with having more intimate relationships with your friends or family than you do with your spouse. As long as you continually say to your spouse that he/she is your top priority, the words themselves should be enough. It is also perfectly fine to pout and punish your spouse when upset by his or her actions, as long as you verbally agreed to support the actions first. If questioned about the discrepancy, indignantly repeat your previous verbal agreement and insist that your spouse is imagining the pouting. Add a touch of shock here for good measure and indignantly refuse to participate in this over-reaction on his/her part.

6. Place the primary responsibility of the children on your spouse. This is an extremely important one, as there is nothing more lovable than a good parent who enjoys being involved in their children's lives. Many other flaws can be overlooked and forgiven if you insist on being a loving, committed parent, so if you are indeed intent on destroying your marriage, please do not skip or diminish the importance of this step.

7. If you are a man, make no attempt whatsoever to make your wife feel like a woman. Do not thank her for the work she does, for loving you through the hard times, do not acknowledge her efforts as a mother and above all, do not let her know you appreciate the dinners, the clean house, the laundry or the car pool service she operates for your children. Never, ever tell her she is beautiful and certainly do not allow her to believe that you see her as the love and salvation of your life. You will never destroy your marriage doing any of those fool hearty things.

8. If you are a woman, make no attempt to make your husband feel like a man. Complain about what he doesn't do at least three times as often as you thank him for the things he does well. Never acknowledge the stresses he may feel at work and always insist on playing the role of martyr and saint. Overrule him in front of the children when possible, thereby ensuring that they have little or no respect for his authority. Never tell him that he grows more handsome each year and when possible take the opportunity to point out his bulging belly and balding head. Most importantly, never allow him to believe that you are glad that you married him and would do it all over again. Never give him the opportunity to be your hero or allow yourself to be vulnerable around him. To do so would be allowing him to believe that you need him. This is the kiss of death if you are trying to destroy your marriage.

9. Perfect your look of disinterest. This is especially effective if your spouse is attempting to discuss with you something that is bothersome about your relationship. The open, honest, and respectful discussion of feelings has no place in a marriage on the fast track to failure. It is extremely important in those instances to let your spouse know that you would find limb amputation preferable to listening to one more word of drivel coming at you.

10. Believe that the grass certainly is greener across the way. Convince yourself that your friends, coworkers and other family members have lives much easier and satisfying than your own. Believe in your own ability to replace your spouse with a newer, better version that doesn't come with the problems, struggles and sacrifices required of you now. After all, your level of perfection and wisdom should certainly not be subjected to the mere mortal lifestyle of that fool you married. Of that you must remain constantly aware.

I assure you that these ten simple steps will bring a quick and potentially permanent halt to your marriage. Whether this means it ends in divorce or simply that you become roommates who tolerate each other, the marriage will certainly become crippled and possibly die. In following these steps, please understand that, depending on you and your spouse, even one or two of them may do the trick. These are powerful tools of destruction, so please handle with the greatest of care.