10 Fashion Trends of 2000s that Made Me Want to Hurt People

If I were to make an exhaustive list of the fashion trends from the last decade that I hate, it would be the size of the Bible. So, I kept it to the first unlucky 13 that I thought of.

1. Uggs. They weren't cool in the '80s and they aren't now. Remember when Pamela Anderson (the person who is arguably the reason that Ugg boots took off the way that they did in the early '90s) realized that they were made out of animal products and swore them off? Yeah, that's the Ugg demographic- people who don't know that sheepskin comes from an animal. People say they're comfortable. Lots of things are comfortable, so go find something comfortable that doesn't make you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Conan The Barbarian.

2. Crocs. Doesn't the name say it all? They are plastic clogs with vent holes in them. A few years ago I went to Hawaii and saw these things on peoples feet. I was horrified, to say the least, because I knew it was only a matter of time before they hit the mainland in full force. God I hate to be right. The worst part is that, considering the time it takes for plastic to decompose, these bad-boys will effectively be around forever.

3. Bleached jeans. It looks like you spilled bleach all over your baby-blue jeans. I remember that look from the eighties. After you drench your jeans with bleach comes that telling moment where you decide between hiding your secret in the local garbage dump, or, by wearing this mistake out in public view, announcing your mental retardation to the world. Truly, to call this look retarded is an affront to actual slow people everywhere, who largely would have the sense to throw out those ugly pants.

4. Flared/boot cut jeans. Bell bottoms are now and have always been atrocious fashion sense. Boot-cut or flared jeans are just slightly less so- directly proportional to the relative angle of the pant to your leg.

5. Top lightened jeans. I have no idea what the technical term for this is, and I tried to find out. I'm sure that whatever the term is, it could not convey the utter ickyness of pants treated in this manner. Who thought it would be cool to fade out an oval on the top of the thighs of your jeans? Martians; that's my guess. I still see people rocking these early/mid 2000s fad jeans, and I wonder what it takes to convince that type of person that he or she is simply a sucker, fell for a bad trend, and that he/she needs to let go and move on. I think napalm may need to be involved.

6. Tassels. 2009 saw a strong resurgence in tassels. Even cowboys will tell you that tassels are a risky fashion move on any day; and on those suede renaissance faire elf boots you're rocking, tassels are unacceptable every day.

7. Suit Vests. I saw a picture of Perez Hilton in a multi-colored t-shirt with a suit vest over it. I think nothing need more be said to illustrate how lame suit vests are, but here goes my attempt anyway. Wearing a vest by itself is something akin to wearing cuff links on your thermal underwear: no matter how nice the cuff links, they look stupid when with anything other than a proper suit shirt, and really serve no purpose. Don't you even try to tell me that flimsy dress vest is keeping you warm. That, my friend, is utter bullocks. And since when is looking like Bob Dylan supposed to be a good thing?

8. Jean Skirts. For bleach-blonde Barbies and "still-cool" moms this is the preferred accompaniment to the aforementioned Ugg boot. Extra points if the white tips of the pockets are sticking out from under the feathered denim. This is a look so painfully common in urban cesspools such as Orange County, California, that I'm sure there's even a name for it. Thanks, but no thanks; I don't need a mnemonic device to put the image of fake boobs and frosty lipstick into my mind. I have Hooters and the internet for that.

9. Tights worn by themselves. I think that American Apparel's ad campaign could be called "Failed looks of the '80s," and it should. What has to be wrong with your brain to make you think that those shiny tights look so cool that you need to wear them with no covering other than a few slinky, glittery gold belts? Surprise! Flash Dance isn't actually as cool a film as you might think; and even at that, you are no Jennifer Beals. All you're flashing us is your lumpy thighs and your ludicrous obsession with a wretched decade.

10. Giant Babushka Winter Hats. Is there a contest for the world's tallest hat going on in New York City? You'd think so by the hats I am seeing every day here in Brooklyn and all over NYC. I don't see how going for height is going to help anybody keep warm in the Winter, but I do know that it's going to push your center of gravity up several inches higher and make it that much easier for me to tip you over, should I choose to do so. You trendy idiot.

Here are a three bonus complaints for you. You're welcome.

11. Dogs. I know what you're thinking- that I'm talking about little dogs in purses- and you're right. This is a trend that has been sneaking it's way into the public over the last decade, along with dogs being walked in your favorite stores and restaurants. I don't know how this kind of nonsense slithered all the way across the country from the dog-friendly hell-state of Colorado, but I hate it with all of my heart. Leave your dogs at home when you go anywhere but to walk the dog. Thanks, but I don't want your dog's crap in the produce section of my local grocery; I already get enough of that in their tomatoes. And if you insist on bringing your pooch out with you when you go for drinks, I expect to see that dog completely hammered and biting people at random before I have my second Bushmills.

12. Anything Twilight related. Throw it all away - I just want to forget.

13. Snuggies. Back in May 2009 I thought I wanted to write an article about the Snuggie. Then I realized that I have absolutely nothing to say about the Snuggie. The joke lasted for about a month for me, I'll admit; then I quit drinking whiskey every day, and totally lost interest. Also, for the record, the Snuggie is not a blanket with sleeves; it is a backwards bath robe without the belt.

I hope this list has been helpful to you. This was painful for me.