10 Humorous New Years Resolutions: Fun and Self-Improvement

1. No candy on Halloween!
That's right! It's Halloween's fault that every year you buy heaps of candy expecting children to ring your doorbell in droves, immediately clearing the inventory. Unfortunately, the number of children always falls far shorter than the amount of candy you bought. So who ends up eating said candy? YOU DO. A mixture of guilt at the prospect of wasting food and pleasure from eating a bag of fun-size Snickers leads to gluttony in the highest degree. So this year, try not buying candy for the neighborhood children. Instead, give them a penny! It's an age-old holiday tradition that will leave them richer, healthier, and most importantly more aware of history.

2. Try at least 50 new beers in 2010!
If you're not a beer drinker than replace beer with your alcohol of choice. If you don't drink alcohol, try drinking 50 new types of fruit juice (probably a lot less fun though). Make 2010 the year that you educated yourself in the art of being a beer snob. Do you like Pale Ale's? Try so many Pale Ale's that you begin to notice the subtle differences in flavor and finish. After that, try a different type of beer that you typically don't choose. Lagers are always a safe bet, and you'd be surprised how tasty a Rye Porter can be with a hearty meal. There's no reason a resolution has to be a chore, make it a mission!

3. Always look on the bright side of life!
This one is much more difficult than the previous 2, but the payoff is limitless. Take some of the sadder aspects of life (not necessarily your own issues) and try to find that silver lining. Here are some examples to get you started. Watch Fox News for what it really is: hilarious entertainment. Reel in laughter at their pathetic attempts to pass off as real news. Let your mind be boggled when they bring in Karl Rove to convince you that their news is sincerely genuine. When keeping up-to-date on national politics, look at it as a real-life soap opera. It's honestly a lot closer to one than reality. Think about Sarah Palin (not too hard) and try to figure out how she decides to do what she does! It's hilarious the conclusions your mind will come to! One last example: After the World Series (or Super Bowl) is over and you're bummed that the season is done, think of all the African children that will soon receive free shirts sporting the losing team as the champion. Then think about how Africa is full of decades worth of all the losers from multiple sports championships! Africa must think the Buffalo Bills are a dynasty!

4. Lose weight.
Losing weight is a time-tested New Years resolution tradition, so it has to make the list. The problem many Americans have (besides being morbidly obese) is that they look at weight loss in such a one-dimensional manner. Weight doesn't just come from the fat, muscle, and organs that make up your body. What about your clothes? Do you know how much jeans weigh? How about that bulky sweater that keeps those fat arms toasty? Instead of wasting time walking (or even jogging, jeesh!), eating healthy, and being a "healthier" person, why not try to buy a lighter wardrobe! Replace your denim jeans with lightweight microfiber pants. Instead of wearing t-shirts, wear sleeveless t's. Don't wear underwear at all! Ditch those worthless glasses; seeing is overrated as it is. As opposed to ruthless exercise which yields minimal weight loss, this method is sure-fire to produce instant results that will never be gained back!

5. Get involved in your community!
Community service can be some of the most rewarding experiences in life. This year, why not try to find creative new ways to help make your community a place you're proud to call home? Do you see those kids with the baggy pants that show the world their poor choice in underwear? Don't wait for the grandfather's of the neighborhood to tell them to pull up their dang pants, be proactive! Tell them to buy a belt, or better fitting pants all together! You'll save grandpa the effort, and you probably have better vocal range to boot. Another idea: build lean-to's for the homeless population near the rich people (they have larger yards)

6. Watch less TV.
The typical American watches several hours of television every day. This is a disturbing trend which is creating tangible ramifications in our society. Children are fat, adults are fatter. Due to the increasingly uninformed nature of television content, people are becoming more detached from reality. Commercials are creating consumer robots out of unsuspecting people, and no one seems to have the capability to say, "enough!" Well those rules don't apply to you, because your New Years resolution is to turn the TV off and find a new way to pass those idle hours! The answer? Movies! When was the last time you watched Predator 2? The way Danny Glover masterfully outwits the Predator! The way Gary Busey carelessly throws himself into harms way (and is cut in half)! For every 3 hours of television you would have watched, put on a movie instead. Warning: DVD's of television programs do not count.

7. Continue your education.
There are few things in life more rewarding than a life-long education. Whether in the classroom or at the museum, there is always something new to learn. Unfortunately, it's easy to fall off the track of education and fall into the gutter of ignorant complacency. If you feel this might apply to you, then make 2010 the year that your love of learning is reignited. Start easy, buy a coloring book and make sure to stay in the lines. Slowly step up the program and read the Harry Potter series. As the books progress the reading level increases, so you don't have to feel guilty reading a children series as an adult! After you've completed those unholy texts, it's time to move on to the big show: jigsaw puzzles. I recommend at least a 1000 piece puzzle, you want to be challenged! As your frustrated brain toils to find all the edge pieces, you will feel your brain creating (or destroying) synapses. Mmmm education hurts so good!

8. Grow up!
This is the resolution for people who have trouble keeping resolutions. I'm not judging you, I know it's not easy to keep those promises. Often, you're in the company of others and they're pressuring you to make a resolution at the same time they do. You don't want to make a resolution but you can't say no, so instead you try to think of one that is better than the person before you. They're giving up steak?! Aw jeez... Well don't succumb to peer pressure, give them a quasi-cryptic answer: I'm going to grow up this year. It's great because it satisfies their yearning to have you do something constructive with yourself, but it hides the ulterior motive of you not feeling like doing anything. Growing up is easy because it happens continuously as time goes on (and time is always going on). While they think you mean you plan to mature as a person and become more responsible, you know you mean that you're going to sit and watch the dead cells fall off your body. Hey! There goes some now.

9. Boycott NASCAR
For some of you this will be easy, and for others it will be the hardest thing you've ever done. Both groups are probably wondering why NASCAR is worth a boycott? We-he-he-heellllll let me tell you it's only the worst thing to happen to the United States since the decline of Euchre as a national sport! First of all it's incredibly boring. NASCAR drivers have spotters who sit at the top of the bleachers with binoculars telling them where to go. Why?! It's an oval! It's all left turns! Thanks for letting me know a left is coming up, I really was about to go right... I don't really have a reason why NASCAR should be boycotted other than I don't like it and it takes up time on ESPN that should be devoted to better things, like squirrels that water ski.

10. No more resolutions!
Make a resolution to make no more resolutions. When you think about it, what's the point of promising yourself to change an aspect of your life that you don't like? Shouldn't you be doing that every day of your life? It's July and after the 4th you realize you're putting on a little weight. Too bad it's not New Years, I can't really promise myself to lose weight because it's not resolution time! A little old lady is trying to cross a busy road but is afraid to venture alone. If only I had made my New Years resolution to help old ladies cross the street, I guess I'll just have to let Miss Simpkins cross on her own! See what I mean? Tell yourself that whenever you find something you want to change, whether in yourself or out in the world, you'll do what it takes to make the change. That way you won't ever have to make a resolution again.