10 Modern Marriage Vows

Everyone knows that marriage means loving each other for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, etc. It's the 21st century and in honor of the post-modern era, I propose ten modern marriage vows for the new groom.

1. I vow never to make love with the television (or my socks) on. Making love will not be an event to be shared with Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien, no matter who their celebrity guests are.

2. I vow not to leave my dirty underwear on the floor. I understand that even in the 21st century, dirty underwear are not automated. They will not find their way into the hamper without human intervention.

3. I vow not to celebrate my mother's pot roast unless I have equally celebrated my new wife's meatloaf. Once my new wife's home cooking has been properly complimented with ceremony and fanfare, I may compliment my mother's cooking (but only to preserve her feelings).

4. I vow always to love my wife even more than I love football, except on Super Bowl Sunday. On Super Bowl Sunday, I will be intolerable. You should probably spend the day with your mother.

5. I vow that I will share an equal responsibility in such important household activities as cooking, cleaning, washing laundry, mending fences, and lowering the toilet seat back into its proper position after use.

6. I vow that I will love my in-laws as I love my own parents, even if it kills me. I will make them feel welcome in our new home. I vow not to make faces at them behind their backs (unless I am absolutely certain that they cannot see me).

7. I vow that I will be ready to have children the moment you say that you are ready to have children. If I get cold feet, I will wear socks. If we make love, I will remove them per vow number one (listed above).

8. I vow that I will never look at another woman, or speak with her, or allow myself to be in the same room with her, unless she looks like your great-aunt Sally.

9. I vow never to make fun of your great-aunt Sally. She's a lovely woman.

10. I vow that I will always pay more attention to you than to my iPhone, video game console, lap top, satellite television, and . . . Hey, where did you go?