10 Random Mall Observations

I don't particularly like malls. Between the overcrowded parking lots and flocks of 90 pound teenagers wearing pants that would have fit loosely on Chris Farley, I try to avoid them. Still, sometimes they are convenient (or you get dragged their by your girlfriend) and you have to make the best of it. Here are some random observations I have made in good old Shopping Mall, U.S.A.

1. They all smell the same.

I don't know what it is, but every mall across the country has that same mall smell. Sort of a hodgepodge aroma of Auntie Anne's Pretzels, Yankee candles, and cheap over-applied perfume.

2. The restroom is ALWAYS being cleaned when you need to go.
You walk (briskly) 3.6 miles with a bursting bladder to the nearest restroom, and just as you approach, you see the dreaded yellow caution (cuidado!) tape and cleaning cart in the doorway. I'm pretty sure the mall janitors have synchronized their bathroom moppings to my urination schedule.

3. JCPenney clerks are all the same.

Each JCPenney has the exact same elderly lady cashier. I'm convinced she cloned herself and works at every branch in the country. I think her name (their names?) is/are Ethelle.

4. Orange Julius is MIA

What happened to these? I used to see them all the time when I was a kid, and now they are rare to find. I always liked the fruity essence that the Orange Julius added to the aforementioned potpourri of mall aromas.

5. The caged security doors: keep out of our Foot Locker!

It's 8:57, stores close at 9, and you just need to run in and out of one last store...you arrive huffing and puffing, only to see the employees still inside, but that dang metal caged door is ¾ closed. It makes me feel better if I pretend that I'm closing the rest of the mall, and they're the ones sh*t outta luck.

6. Radio Shack is for the engineer in all of us

Radio Shack is a cool store. All those gizmos and gadgets, I always get the sudden hanker to "tinker" and build something really cool when I'm in there. Sadly, the most I ever leave with is a couple of AA batteries.

7. Nothing beats lunch at the food court.

I'll take that greasy General Tsos Chicken under a heating lamp over Rachel Ray any day.

8. Give those aching feet a rest (Escalators are hot commodities).

Only in the fattest nation in the world will you see a line form for an escalator while you'd be hard pressed to find a footprint on the stairs five feet away.

9. You can still ride those mechanical animals, airplanes, and motorcycles for a quarter.

Keeping the kids busy while parents shop for decades. Note to parents: If you are wondering if your child is too big to still be riding one of these things, he probably is.

10. Spencer's Gift Store

Where else can you get an Asian Persuasian Love Doll, Back and Sack Scratcher, and Birthday B*tch Pimpin Stein all in the same store?! (note: all items listed also available on website.)

Bonus: kiosks

Every mall has them. Those little stands with employees who hound you like poor peddlers on the streets of ancient Rome . No I don't want your sea-salt infused seaweed and almond butter exfoliater / eternal life elixir you gypsy!

Well those are my mindless reflections on the shopping mall. Please add your own in the comments!