10 Reasons to Hate Weddings

Weddings are just awful. There are so many reasons to hate them. Here are my top ten reasons to hate weddings.

1. Weddings are boring. Yes, boring. The ceremony goes on forever, especially when it's a religious wedding ceremony paired with a mass. No one listens to the priest or officiant. No one listens to the vows. The only thing anyone really cares about is moving on to the reception to have dinner and a drink.

2. Weddings make you socialize with people you never want to see again. When you attend the wedding of a family member, you can guarantee that all your undesirable relatives will be there. When was the last time you saw your crazy Aunt Sally, your promiscuous cousin Heather, or your Uncle Billy the felon? That's right, you probably last saw them at a wedding.

3. Weddings are a waste of money. You already know that the groom is an unemployed D.J. and the bride is a pregnant stripper. Their marriage is predestined to fall to pieces starting the moment the wedding cake is cut. Not only have they wasted their own money in throwing together this tacky affair, they've wasted your money that you had to present as a "gift."

4. Weddings make you sad if you are unmarried. Seeing two people vowing to love each other till death parts them can make some single women feel lonely. It's an emotional event that makes you forget how much you hated your last relationship and makes you yearn for your next great romance.

5. Weddings make you sad if you are married. The glowing bride and groom remind you of your younger days. Oh, how naive and innocent you were.

6 Weddings make you dress up in outfits that you would never wear in real life. For some reason, every bride expects her bridesmaids to wear ugly dresses that look like a cross between a lemon meringue pie and a bowl of fruit loops. If you are an usher, expect to wear a ridiculous colored cummerbund to match the bridesmaids concoctions.

7. Weddings make you wear uncomfortable shoes. It is very difficult to justify attending a wedding wearing your fuchsia Crocs. Expect to wear your pinchiest high heeled shoes that make you cry before the evening is over. Men, you will wear pinchy-toed shoes as well, but yours will make your feet bleed just above your heels. Enjoy!

8. Weddings are followed by long tedious wedding receptions where the food is substandard, the music is too loud, and someone is going to try to make you dance against your will.

9. A wedding today means a baby shower tomorrow. Maybe not literally tomorrow, but some day in the near future you will be spending more money on a baby shower present. You can look forward to spending more time with people you hate, dishing out more money, and sliding back into those uncomfortable shoes.

10. Weddings sap your strength, get you drunk, and lower your resistance to creepy men at the reception. If you don't know when to call it a night, you may wake up in the morning with more than just a hangover.