10 Rules of Avoiding a Fight with Your Husband

I was watching Sex and the City 2 the other night and couldn't help but notice our beloved Carrie Bradshaw picking a lot of fights with her handsome husband, Big. If you have yet to see the movie, Carrie is distressed because she feels like she is becoming the notorious, boring wife. She says that she needs to feel excitement, glamor, and romance. Yet, Big is content with lazy nights on the couch and ordered-in food.

Carrie initiates one fight after she forces Big to attend a movie premier with her; they get home and Big snuggles in bed and flips the television on. She explodes, and he responds with something along the lines of, "What? I went to the premier with you. What more do you want?" He later tells her that he feels like he is always disappointing her. This made me chuckle, because how often do we as women pick a fight like this? I know I have been guilty of it. Sometimes it just feels like our husbands are in their own little world and don't think twice about our feelings or happiness. Is this really the case though? I don't think it is, I think it's an incorrect assumption that we have created out of selfishness.

My mother-in-law told me every argument arises out of selfishness and picking a fight is manipulation. Arguments are stemmed from our lack of reasoning and ability to communicate calmly and sensibly. The following tips are constructed to help you avoid a screaming match and to help you communicate with your partner.

1. Don't jump to conclusions.

Many fights can be avoided by knowing the facts. I remember being a young newlywed; my husband came home one Valentine's day with a small gift from our landlord that had been left on the porch. We opened it; it was filled with candies and a small card. About an hour later my husband said he was going to jump in the shower before we went to dinner, I leaned in to kiss him and noticed glitter on his face. My first thought was glitter equals another woman so I questioned him. He obviously became very angry and stormed off to the shower. It was a few minutes later I realized that the gift the landlord had left contained a glittery card. I was ashamed and embarrassed for overreacting. I jumped to conclusions without analyzing the situation, I didn't have my facts straight, and I let my insecurities surface and form a lack of trust in my husband.

Jumping to conclusions can lead to a bitter argument that even after an apology can take some time to heal. Women who jump to conclusions are impatient and insecure. Work on your self image and confidence to avoid jumping to conclusions.

2. Don't accuse.

Jumping to conclusions can easily lead into accusing your spouse. When you accuse your husband of something, whether he is actually guilty or not, you diminish his pride. Not only do you hurt his ego, but you also aren't being fair to him. Let's say you discover the mortgage bill hasn't been paid this month, the worst thing you could do is say, "You forgot to pay the mortgage bill!" You're not only demeaning his ability to provide and support you, you are attacking him before he has had the chance to explain his position. Maybe he simply forgot, maybe he asked for an extension, or maybe he dropped the check off at the bank on his way home from work. Whatever the reason, even if it is his mistake, yelling and accusing him will not fix the situation nor will your utter disrespect for him gain you any love in return.

3. Don't pick a fight.

As in my Sex and the City 2 example, Carried picked a fight with Big because she felt the romance was fading by having a television in their bedroom. Now, she did have every right to feel that way, but by raising her voice she didn't get her point across. When women raise their voice to a man they instantly feel threatened and out of control so they switch to survival mode. When a man is in survival mode he is defending himself and not listening to why we are upset. All reasoning is thrown out the window for both parties. Instead of yelling at Big, Carried could have approached the situation differently. She could have slipped into some slinky lingerie and distracted him from the television, or she could have quietly climbed in bed and talked to him on a rational level by saying that she felt neglected with a television in the room. Remember, men are visual; and by snuggling up close to him to talk, she is dissolving a distance barrier. It's hard to argue or even be angry with someone when you are snuggled in their arms.

4. Never use the word "you."

You never want to place the blame on your husband. Your husband doesn't make you feel a certain way, you choose to feel a certain way. What's the saying by Wayne Dyer? If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. When communicating with your husband, use the words, "I feel" to express yourself. Your points are more likely to be understood and respected than if you say, "you always." It is also very unlikely that he 'always' does something, uncontrolled anger can easily boil over into exaggeration and bitter lies. Protect yourself from this by assessing how you feel and carefully choosing the correct words to express yourself.

5. Don't yell or curse.

If you can't express your thoughts and feelings without yelling or cursing, it is best not to say anything. Yelling and cursing only belittles your husband and you'll end up saying things out of anger that you will regret later. It is OK to tell your husband that you need some time alone to calm down, which leads us to our next point.

6. Give yourself time.

Time alone will give you a chance to calm your anger and understand the real reasons behind your anger. Use your time alone to sort out your feelings and to get to the root of the problem. Sometimes a small action can trigger emotions to a much bigger problem. Also, don't just give yourself time apart when you are angry. You need to have your own interests and activities apart. Too much time together can hurt the relationship. So, make sure you stay connected to the outside world and constantly evaluate your relationship, where it is, and where you want it to go.

7. Don't fight over petty things.

You don't have the right to get mad at your husband for spilling a cup of coffee or forgetting to pick up more milk on the way home. You also don't have the right to get mad at your husband if he fails, whether it be loosing his job or not getting a promotion. He has the right to fail. Failure will help him grow and learn. We aren't perfect nor should we expect someone else to be. Be understanding and be patient. By excusing the small things, you accept your husband for who he is, and in return he will love you more for loving him, faults and all.

8. Pick an appropriate time to have serious discussions.

If you have a problem or issue that is bothering you, do not talk with your husband if he has a blistering headache or has had a long day at work. You both need to be in the right mindset to discuss serious issues in order to find a working solution. My husband is in the Army and is currently on his third deployment. As an unwritten rule of being an Army wife, you don't bring up serious discussions or arguments while your husband is on a mission of before he goes on a mission. First off, his safety could be compromised by having his mind back home rather than on the mission at hand. Secondly, if he is on a mission or leaving for a mission, his mindset is not on discussing how to pay for Bobby's football cleats or how Tommy is failing algebra.

9. Forgive and forget.

Once you have resolved a conflict and found a suitable solution, forgive and forget. Don't bring up a past conflict into a current conflict. If you do, it will create resentment and a loss of trust. It will make your husband feel inadequate and hurt his pride. Instead, hold your tongue, choose your words wisely, and focus on the current issue.

10. Say you're sorry if you are at fault.

If you are in the wrong, apologize. Put your stubbornness and ego aside and learn from your mistake, you'll be a better person for it.

Relationships require work, but the work doesn't have to be difficult or stressful. When a problem arises, don't forget the reasons why you love your husband and use humor when appropriate, it will lessen the tension. Don't forget that girlfriends are a great place to vent the petty, annoying habits your husband has. If you vent to your friends, you will be more likely to realize the situation as petty and less likely to let it boil into an argument. Remember, mature, confident women are less likely to be offended by teasing or criticism. Therefore, build your character and self image up and pick your battles carefully.