10 Signs of Passive-Aggressive Parents and What You Can Do

One of the major difficulties in dealing with passive-aggressive parents is that they refuse to step back and view their behavior as anything but normal.

Passive-aggressive parenting is very common, but it should not be considered normal and is not a healthy way to develop a relationship between a parent and a child. Often, passive-aggressive parenting is an issue that can only be broached once the children are adults, but if it is not dealt with it can lead to feelings of anger, bitterness, and frustration on behalf of the children.

10 Things Passive-Aggressive Parents Do - Create a mold within which you should live
Typically passive-aggressive parents have a strict mold within which they expect their children to live. There is no room, or forgiveness for anyone who tries to live outside of their ideas about right and wrong. It can be infuriating to the child who just wants to be themselves, but finds that they are being held up to their passive-aggressive parent's expectations.

As the adult child of a passive-aggressive parent you have a choice. You can choose to placate your parent or live the life as you want to live it. There are always covert punishments that come along with bucking a passive-aggressive parent, but it is a matter of choosing to become who you really are or living up to someone else's ideals.

10 Things Passive-Aggressive Parents Do - Manipulate your emotions
As mentioned, there is always a price to pay when you disagree with a passive - aggressive parent. The reason is that these parents are masters at manipulating emotions. They have the ability to use shame and guilt to make their children do what they want them to do.

The best way to combat emotional manipulation is to formulate your own standards for living, your own code of ethics and stick to them. If a parent suggests something that is not the best thing to do or the right thing to do, taking into consideration all perspectives, then you don't have to do it. You can only be made to feel guilty and shameful if you feel you have done something wrong. If you live by your code of ethics and morality shame and guilty become useless tools for the passive-aggressive parent.

10 Things Passive-Aggressive Parents Do - Try to control you
Whether you are venturing to live life on your own or not, a passive-aggressive parent will try to control you. They may not exert physical force, but in addition to using shame and guilt they will try to steal your independence. They may establish unrealistic expectations for you to earn independence or endlessly try to tie up your time.

You must realize that you are an adult and the only expectations you have to live up to are your own. At some point, you must take control from your passive-aggressive parent by realizing that, although they are your parent and deserve respect, they are only human. An overly controlling person is like someone trying to play god in your life. You can stop that.

10 Things Passive-Aggressive Parents Do - Find fault with little and big things
As you begin to exert yourself and exhibit control of your own life a passive aggressive parent will begin to find fault. They probably do not even realize that they are nagging, but it is one more way to try to control you or to keep you from achieving your fullest potential. They will find fault with what you do and who your friends are. There is a hidden insinuation in fault finding that you do not measure up.

As an adult child of a passive-aggressive parent you must realize that you do not have to prove yourself to your parent. There is no need to second guess your decisions or second guess who you are. You have a sound mind and the ability to use it whether your parent approves or not.

10 Things Passive-Aggressive Parents Do - Use insinuation to make their point
The very definition of passive-aggressive behavior indicates that behaviors like those listed above will be insidious. The messages you are given to break your will and try to control you are hidden or insinuated.

You have to learn to decode the messages that your parent is telling you. Once you realize that they are not looking out for your best interest, but in most cases protecting their own insecurities you will be able to reject the messages that tell you that you don't measure up or you'll never be good enough.

10 Things Passive-Aggressive Parents Do - Maintain an all-or-nothing attitude
Once you make the decision to come up against a passive-aggressive parent you will face some form of punishment. The passive-aggressive parent will do something emotionally or behaviorally that he or she thinks is making you pay for not seeing things their way. This is because passive-aggressive people generally have an all-or-nothing mentality. It is their way, or no way.

Realize that taking control of your own life is important. You can still reach out to your parent with love and care, but you do not have to allow their temper, pouting, or behavioral changes to affect you. If a passive-aggressive parent wants to stew, thinking they are hurting you, let him or her stew. Think nothing else of it. You are not responsible for how they feel. You are only responsible for how you live and treat others. Again, if you have done nothing wrong, there is nothing a little pouting should make you feel bad about.

10 Things Passive-Aggressive Parents Do - Maintain a list of unwritten rules
Sometimes, one of the most difficult things about dealing with passive-aggressive parents is figuring out what their rules are. You already know that their rules can be unreasonable, and you don't have to live in the mold they have created. Sometimes, however, just figuring out the rules can be daunting, keep you guessing, or walking on eggshells. This is because the passive-aggressive prefers to communicate through their own system of rewards and punishments rather than simply talking things out like an adult.

Encourage your parents to talk with you about their expectations and discuss whether they are reasonable, but don't always expect that this can happen if you have a passive-aggressive parent who has decided to remain stuck in his or her ways.

10 Things Passive-Aggressive Parents Do - Project their feelings and attitudes on you
One way passive-aggressive parents try to control you is by projecting their feelings and attitudes on to you. They feel they are able to tell you what you like and don't like or what you do or don't want to do, but their declarations are based on their own feelings. They are not taking your feelings or personhood into consideration at all. Passive-aggressive parents often project onto their children the very things that they don't want to admit to themselves.

The best way to deal with this is recognize it as a characteristic of passive-aggressive people. Don't accept attitudes and ideas that are thrust upon you that are not your own. Find your own voice and use it.

10 Things Passive-Aggressive Parents Do - Covertly place excessive demands
If a passive-aggressive parent feels they are loosing control they may begin to place covert demands on your time and patience. These demands are often disguised as responsibilities or duties.

I would never suggest shirking your responsibility toward your parents, but it is up to you to let your passive-aggressive parent know when their demands are interfering with your life, job, or family. You have a responsibility to take care of yourself, as well. If you are not in optimal condition how can you be expected to take care of others needs and demands, realistic or not.

10 Things Passive-Aggressive Parents Do - Quick to judge and label you
Passive-aggressive parents are quick to judge you and label you and your actions. Once you begin to take control of your own life you can expect to be called rebellious or worse.

Remember, you are not responsible for how your parent feels. It is also likely that regardless of what you do a passive-aggressive parent is going to judge you anyway. If you allow yourself to live like that it is a lose-lose situation.

Don't be afraid of being labeled for sticking to your convictions and living out your destiny.

A passive aggressive-parent may feel it is their obligation to remind you of how you have failed, but you have the choice to live a rich and fulfilling life that does not have to be defined by your parent's passive-aggressive behavior.

Volumes have been written on the subject of passive-aggressive behavior. This brief article will certainly not cure all of your ills or change things overnight. Hopefully, however, it will awaken you to the intrinsic value that is within you and give you the courage to take the first steps toward living independently of a passive-aggressive parent.

Source: Personal knowledge and pastoral counseling experience

Further resources:
Effects of Passive Aggressive Parent
Dr. Phil Message Board: Nay Sayers and Passive Aggressives
Dealing with Passive Aggressive Parents