10 Suggested New Year's Resolutions for Donald H. Rumsfeld

1. Find a new job.

Considering the last election and subsequent-and, let's not forget, third-attempt at resignation, it's time that the 74-year-old Rummy consider either a) a long over-due retirement back in Skokie, or b) try running another pharmaceutical company.

2. Send Powell an apology note every day for the rest of the year.

These don't have to be long letters. They should just be little consolations. Maybe, after the four years of Rummy whispering one thing into the President's ear and Colin on the other side, the two men can come to retirement together amicably. Just the same, Secretary Rumsfeld wasn't forced to go to the UN and make an international joke of his entire career. General Powell was.

3. Erase all traces of his name from the PNAC:

The Rumsfeld-spearedheaded Project for a New American Century (or, as many of us have come to call it since published, Fascism-lite) is no way to be remembered and, to be on the safe side, there's no telling whether or not the next government will look at the proposal as all-out lunacy. It's best for him to hedge his bets while he has the chance. And if he doesn't have the chance, at least he can apologize for the committee's existence.

4. Have Cheney write a letter of recommendation.

This, of course, is in the case that Mr. Rumsfeld decides on option b) rather than option a) from the first resolution. After all, where would PNAC be without two of its fathers? This political family has to stay together at least until Cheney has that massive heart attack he's been threatening for the last six years. Who other than Rummy could possibly be a good executor of all of the Halliburton shares?

5. Find a way to pay off the World Court:

Across the Atlantic Ocean, an international court has been formed to try governmental leaders for war crimes. They are meant to uphold international treaties that determine humane treatment during war, etc. Considering the Secretary's willy-nilly approval of the SARs (Selected acquisition report) that allowed funding for "special interrogation" for Abu Graib, which in turn showed the world just how far we were willing to go in extracting information-false or otherwise-from prisoners in Iraq and Guantanamo. Since Rummy was a main architect of the war plans themselves and, consequently, the primary man to approve of such blatant disregard for the Geneva conventions, the court's obviously salivating over a way to get him to the Hague.

That said, Rummy's a rich man-they all are. And in the great American tradition, I'm sure he can find a way for that international court to be bought. He might, however, have to borrow from Hugo Chavez - and that's more than most of the President's men would ever consider.

6. Invest in hair dye.
Rummy was probably the best looking member of the entire Cabinet when he entered the Pentagon. Now, only six years later, that robust charm, that keen eye and those slicked-back dark brown tresses have lost their luster. For the sake of the nation, Rummy: you've already agreed to leave the Pentagon without any more fight. At least do yourself the favor of looking good while you leave. And, 74 years old or not, you'd still be a darn good-looking man without those silver streaks.

7. Send Hussein a copy of Old School
You might not know this, but Saddam Hussein's a big fan of American movies.

When they met in 1983, I'm not sure whether the old Butcher of Baghdad showed Rummy his collection of movies. But we know they were there, and considering that Hussein only has a few years left to live, he might as well get in a good hour and a half of laughing out loud.

8. Read and annotate The Prince.

After Niccolo Machiavelli sent his long list of letters, The Prince, to the Medici family, his then-tarnished political reputation experienced a jolt the likes of which not even Muhammad Ali would have been able to mock. Since things look grim for Rummy's usual crowd and, consequently, the NeoCon era is fast coming to a screeching halt, he might want to cozy up to the next hot Democrat and write a Prince of his own.

9. Burn that copy of Mein Kampff
This is total rumor. That's not the question: what's more important is that he could have a copy of it and, since the PNAC has a lot of the same undertones, he might have copied a few pointers here and there.

10. Meet with David Hare Re: Stuff Happens
Maybe, after uttering the second-worst verbal flub this administration has uttered since "Bring 'em on," Rummy could start collaborating with dramatists of Mr. Hare's ilk to spawn more cultural indictments of our country? After all, when Hare's docudrama came across the Atlantic to New York, it had enough success to keep people talking.

That, and it beats having to look for another job.