10 Superstars and What to Get Them for Christmas

It's Christmas time, and unless you're a terrorist (or you already celebrated Hanukkah) you're probably out buying presents for the people you love. Well don't forget those superstar athletes you live and die for. The guys who pour blood, sweat, and tears all year long so that you can sit on your couch in your favorite pizza stained sweatpants ignoring your girlfriend and living vicariously through them. Sure they're already millionaires, but even millionaires like getting presents. Here are a few suggestions in case you're having trouble picking out that special something for your sports hero.

10. Alex Rodriguez - New York Yankees
Sure he's a prick, but he has helped the team you love return to greatness. He only took PEDs to make you happy, and to get you to love him. Don't let his $100 million+ contract deter you from giving him gift this holiday season. He's gonna need plenty of Windex to clean off all the mirrors he's been kissing in his house.

9. Brett Favre - Minnesota Vikings
For God's sake will somebody buy this old f*ck a Rascal Scooter and ship him off to one of Joe Namath's retirement communities? There's nothing exciting about watching one of the greatest players in NFL history die on national television week after week. For heaven's sake his beard is whiter than Santa's.

8. Donovan McNabb - Washington Redskins
I feel like we're beating a dead horse with this whole Donovan McNabb is out of shape thing, but he literally gets paid to exercise everyday. I have to pay to go to the gym, and I'm in better shape than this guy. If you love Donovan McNabb send him some Shape-Ups. According to Joe Montana, they really work.

7. Michael Vick - Philadelphia Eagles
After years of being on Santa's naughty list,I think it's time we start giving Vick presents again. The way he's been playing, if it wasn't for Tom Brady, this guy would be a lock for MVP this season. Vick recently said he would like to own a dog again, but that's not gonna happen. I say we start him off with a Furby and see how well he handles that responsibility, and then we'll go from there.

6. Greg Oden - Portland Trailblazers
As a fellow Buckeye, I was really rooting for this kid to be the next great NBA legend. He already looked like a Hall-of-Famer (50 years old) and even Patrick Ewing predicted him to be one of the greats. But with all of the knee problems it looks as though he's not going to get the chance to become an impact player in the NBA. If I had more money I would definitely buy him his own Avatar for Christmas, so that even though his legs don't work, he could still play in the NBA.

5. UCONN's Womens Basketball Team
Not that you noticed, but the UCONN Women's Basketball team won their 89th consecutive game, breaking the record formerly held by the UCLA Men's team of the early 70s with Kareem and Bill Walton. UCONN's coach, Geno Auriemma, is mad at the world because nobody cares about his team, but maybe someone forgot to tell him that he's coaching a sport where there are 3 really good teams every year, and then a bunch of teams that couldn't beat the average Jewish fraternity intramural squad. If you're a fan of Geno and his "girls" maybe you could buy them a bridge. So they can get over the river they've been crying this week.

4. Allen Iverson - Besiktas Cola Turka
Yes they have Christmas in Turkey. Don't forget about the Godfather of the modern crossover. The Answer is probably going to be very lonely around Christmas in a country that boasts a Muslim population of 99.8%. So if you grew up idolizing Allen, and wanna wish him a Merry Christmas, send him this I (heart) Muslims T-Shirt so he can get through the Holidays unscathed.

3. Ben Roethlisberger - Pittsburg Steelers
I don't think this guy deserves anything for Christmas, but I know there are a lot of die-hard Steeler fans out there that still refuse to believe this guy is a sexual predator. Well here's your chance to keep Big Ben out of trouble for the next few weeks, at least until the Patriots knock them out of the playoffs. Big Ben's very own sex doll. He can bang it whenever he wants, it never talks back, and it can't "go run-n-tell that" to the cops!

2. Eli Manning - New York Giants
After that heartbreaking come from ahead loss to the Eagles on Sunday afternoon, ESPN showed footage of the would be press conference crowd that stuck around to hear Peyton Manning's little brother drone on about how much losing like that sucks. No one showed up.
If you love Eli, and want to cheer him up, maybe you could buy him a group of actors who pretend to act like crazed paparazzi for $100 an hour to follow him around after his next game and make him look like the star he always wanted to be.

1. Josh McDaniels - Unemployed
It was a rough season for the former Denver Broncos head coach. His team was banged up all season, guys were committing suicide, and he didn't even last long enough to see his #1 draft pick get his first NFL start. It may be hard to find one, but we should all chip in and buy Josh a Tim Tebow jersey before Urban Meyer gets them all.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!

(to see the article with all of the intended images included, go to:)
http://ftrsports.com/2010/12/10-superstars-and-what-to-get-them-for-christmas/