10 Things You Should Never Lick

Human babies sometimes lick things to learn about them and over the course of civilization mankind has learned to avoid licking things that could cause them harm. Here are ten things you should never, ever, under any circumstances consider licking.

A Swiffer Wet Jet - Just because it has Peanut M&M's stuck to it doesn't mean its good lickable material. Once you've swiffered over the kitchen floor it loses its lickability for good. However, if you have just put a fresh swiffer pad on your swiffer, then by all means lick away.

Britney Spears - You don't know where that girl has been. Licking any part of this chick's anatomy could cause anal seepage and green growth to appear on your tongue. Some have mistakenly believed this to hoof and mouth disease but later learned it was a Britney allergy.

The New Saturn Astra - I'm absolutely, one hundred percent sure that the Saturn Astra tastes like crap. Even if it is brand new. The Saturn Astra, like every other new car is covered in toxic paint and chemicals that you wouldn't want to enter the human body. So the next time you are tempted to taste a brand new Saturn Astra, think again and take it for a test drive instead.

Metal Poles in Freezing Temperatures - Haven't you ever seen the movie, The Christmas Story? If you stick your tongue on a metal pole in the winter it will get stuck to it. Just ask my son, who at the age of 3 stuck his tongue to the top of a metal icebox while standing on his tip-toes and had to cling to the sides of the 1938 Kelvinator refrigerator long enough for warm water to release his tongue.

Very Old Women Wearing Clinique - Really, it doesn't matter if she's wearing Clinique or L'Oreal make-up. There is no brand on the market today that is going to make an old woman taste good. Besides licking a face with L'Oreal foundation on it will just make the foundation stick to your tongue.

Your Mother's Belly Button - What kind of pervert are you! How dare you even suggest such a thing!

The Amy Fisher Sex Tape - No matter how good you might be at...ummm...licking things, the Amy Fisher sex tape will not become a live show in your living room so you can stop licking the tape now.

Toys from China - You learned that toys from china are one of 20 Things That Do Not Belong in Your Butt and now I'm telling you that toys form China don't belong in your mouth either. Ever heard of lead? Ever watched the news?

Your Dog's Nose - How gross is that! Your dog's nose is wet and slimy most of the time. Let the dog lick its own nose.

Electrical Wires - You have got to be one big moron to go around licking electrical wires. You get what you deserve!

As an added bonus to this list of ten things you should never lick I offer you the wisdom of never licking anyone's sweaty armpits. By the way, close your mouth, you might get something undesirable on your tongue like fecal matter floating in the air.