10 Things to Think About Before a Marital Separation

In 2010, my husband and I divorced after 17 years of marriage. Our split had been coming on for awhile and it wasn't an unexpected surprise when it happened, so I had time to think ahead about the "what ifs" before it became "when." I discovered that there are a number of things that were important for me to do and for my now ex-husband and I to discuss before we actually split up.

Budget
Before it came to a point of "this is it," in my marriage, I actually sat down and worked out (on paper) a budget to see if I could support myself and my children on my own. I was not certain about how much financial support I would receive from my husband if we split, so I tried to see what expenses I could cut and what kind of extra income I could generate. I decided I would need to look for a part-time job so I started searching to see what was available in my area.

Living Arrangements
When my husband moved out, we worked on coming up with living arrangements for him. He had the option of staying with friends for awhile or renting an apartment. He chose to rent an apartment and eventually rented a larger house farther away.

Children
Because I have three children and homeschool them while their father works long hours, where they would live was never something that was uncertain. What we had to decide though, was what type of visitation their father would have. We initially decided that on certain evenings, the kids would be with their father. Eventually, when we divorced, we worked out a more permanent schedule.

One of the issues that also needs to be addressed is holidays, school schedules, extracurricular activities, day care and other things relating to the kids. Working out an agreement on who can pick the kids up from school, where they spend time on snow days and school holidays needs to be worked out.

In the same way, visitation with grandparents should be discussed.

Financial Issues, Including Child Support and/or Alimony
Even before my husband and I divorced, we worked out a child support agreement. While we were simply separated we agreed upon a monthly amount for child support and worked out other financial issues. The other financial issues we had to discuss and work out included insurance premiums, specific debts, our joint checking account, vehicles, and taxes.

Belongings
Realistically, when you and your spouse split up, your belongings will need to be split. I did not wait for the divorce to split things up, instead my husband and I worked that out when he moved into his apartment. We chose not to fight or squabble over "things" and instead agreed amicably on splitting up our belongings.

Family and Friends
Telling family and friends is not easy when it comes to splitting up, but it has to be done. The first step in my situation was to tell the kids. After that, we told friends and family members. We chose to only tell our closest friends and family--the ones we had the most contact with and decided that everyone else would find out "through the grapevine."

Expectations
When my husband moved out, we didn't know if this were a permanent split or temporary. We set a date a couple of months away to re-evaluate our feelings and see where our relationship was. This gave us both some space and breathing room. We discussed what we were expecting from the separation and while it was a very emotional time in my life, we tried very hard to talk things through.

The main expectation I had was for us to separate our finances completely. An expectation we both had--and agreed upon--was that our kids would be a priority for both of us and as parents, we would still be partners, even if we were no longer partners in marriage.

Dating
No, it's not something you want to talk about but you have to do it. When you decide to go your separate ways, whether it is a trial separation or a separation that will lead to divorce, you want to make sure both of you are on the same page about dating. Will you both be free to date other people or would you prefer to agree not to date until you are certain if the marriage is over? It is best to get this out in the open so you both know what the other is planning on and expecting.

Ground Rules
One of the ground rules that we came up with for our initial separation was that excessive phone calls were not acceptable and that stopping by to see each other unannounced was also not okay. We had to set boundaries--one of which was that we would not talk negatively to our children about the separation and that we would be honest with them about the situation.

Ask for Help
I am not the type of person to ask for help. I like to do everything for myself, but when I separated and eventually divorced, I realized that for the sake of myself and my kids, I would have to ask for help. My parents were willing to help me in any way possible--from childcare so I could work more to financial help when I needed it. When I needed to, I asked my friends and family for help--emotional support, help with my kids and help with things around my home when I couldn't do it for myself or needed an extra hand.

No matter what your situation in your marriage, when a separation occurs, there are many things to consider and do to help yourself. These are just a few of the basic considerations that I had to work through, there are many more and some are specific to issues and relationships. Think through everything carefully in order to create the best situation for yourself.

In the event of an abusive marriage, you may not have the time or luxury to consider all or even any of these things. Each situation is different and requires an approach that will best fit the given circumstances.