10 Things I Want to Ask Sarah Palin

Your second middle name is Heath. What in God's name were your parents thinking, my dear? Seriously. That's just cruel. Also, how does this affect you? When you grew up did you just pretend you only had one middle name: Louise?

I also have two middle names. I was named after my grandfathers. Were you named after your favorite grandmother and favorite grandfather? Did they give your parents the most money? I'm curious.

9. Did you help Tina Fey nail that impression, or is she a natural?

Honestly, it was probably the best impression I've ever seen. Even better than uh... what's his name... Frank Caliendo's impressions of Dubya. So did you coach her, or what? Like, "No, no, no! You've got the accent all wrong!" (in the Alaskan accent you talk in) "DO IT LIKE ZEES!"

8. What kind of underwear do you wear?

It says a lot about your personality, and I don't believe you've ever shared this information. For example, granny panties are definitely not the underwear I would envision a vice president to wear (Certain congressmen, er, I mean congresswomen, however...). Thongs and g-strings are also definitely not something I want to envision. Cotton briefs then? Please say cotton briefs. I don't care if you lie. Just say it.

7. Can you say "holler" without sounding like you're from Alabama?

I can't and neither can any other human I know. If you can, then I suspect you're a robot. I don't currently because I think Hillary Clinton is the only fembot running for office.

6. What was your dog's name growing up?

Or did you have one? Was he cute? Or she? What happened to him or her? Did it die? If so, that's sad. Unless you killed it. In which case you need some luvox or prozac or something. Gah, anger issues much?

5. Why do you hate gays?

I actually don't know if you do or don't. I honestly never care enough to watch five-hour debates. If you don't, that's cool. If you do, then you should probably, like, stop. Seriously. That's rude.

4. What size shoes do you wear?

Do you have that horse-antula Paris Hilton ginormous thing going on, or more like a "nothing grows in the shade" Dolly Parton thing?

3. OMG Where did you get that scarf? I love it.

Just kidding. It's hideous. I guess -- I don't know; I haven't seen you wear a scarf.

2. Were you a goth in high school?

If so, you just lost a lot of cool points. But at least you grew up I guess.

1. Let me borrow that top.

Not a question. But seriously. Let me borrow that top.

Bonus question: If you answered "I don't" to question five, will you be my fag-hag?

Why or why not? I'm fabulous; I assure you.