10 Ways to Deal with Telemarketers

They call you at all hours. They won't take no for an answer. They interrupt dinner. They waste your time and tie up your phone line.

You know who I mean. Those faceless voices on your telephone who call and hound you. Are they trained to try to squeeze money out of you simply by wearing you down?

I realize that telemarketers are humans beings (most of them) who are just trying to make a living, but I figure they take their chances when they sign up for the job.

They clearly view us as legitimate targets for harassment. In our private homes and during our scarce time off, no less. And it's even worse if you work from home, as many writers do. You're at their mercy all day as well.

I've tried being polite and courteous while still trying to get them off my phone, but they are relentless and they have selective deafness. They can't hear the word no.

Finally, out of my growing frustration, I came to an important realization: telemarketers are fair game. It's about time we gave them a taste of their own medicine.

After years of being at their mercy, I developed a few strategies for turning the tables on them. Let me share some of my favorite techniques:

1. Plain and Simple
This is the beginner level. If you're basically a pleasant and polite person, it can be hard to stand up for yourself against a telemarketing invasion. So start with something small and innocuous like this: You answer the phone. As soon as you realize it's a telemarketer, you hang up. Even if it's mid-sentence for them. That's it. Mission accomplished. Can be done over and over with minimal stress to you.

The best thing about getting good at this technique is that you can use it as a last resort if none of the techniques listed below work for you.

2. Bait and Switch
If you have the time and patience, it can be fun to let them think you're interested in their product, then decide not to at the end. Ask lots of questions. Get them to talk and talk. You can have a snack or watch tv while they talk, just be sure to say uh-huh occasionally to keep them going. The objective is to get them to talk as long as you can. When you can't stand it anymore, it's time to tell them you've decided against it and hang up promptly.

A variation of this is to haggle about the price. Try to get two-for-one. Try to get them to drop ship the product to your cousin in Japan. Just remember, at the end you say no and hang up.

3. Turn the Tables
Try to sell them something instead. You can say enthusiastically, "Hey! I'm glad you called! I sell designer paper towel holders and I'll bet you need one. Let me tell you about them!" They'll probably try to get you back to talking about their product. Talk right over them. Keep going until they either hang up or buy your product.

4. Play Dumb.
Ask lots of stupid questions. Really stupid questions. The stupider, the better. The more, the better. Such as, "Does that come in different colors?" if they're trying to sell you life insurance. Have a pleasant tone to your voice so that they will have to wonder if you're medicated or perhaps should be.

5. Disappear
Put the phone gently into a drawer and walk away. One version of this that a friend uses is to pick up the phone every now and then and say, "yeah, uh-huh," then set it down again. Time them to see how long before they finally give up.

6. Baby Them
Hand the phone to your two-year old and let them have a conversation. This is tough if you don't have a two-year old. Perhaps you could pretend you are one and speak in a baby voice.

7. Have a Bad Connection
Pretend you can't hear them. Say, "Hello? Hello?" several times. Then act as if you're speaking to someone else in the room. "Martha, I can't hear anyone." Finally, shout into the phone, "Are you there? I can't hear you!" Ignore anything they say and keep shouting.

8. Try to Save Them
Ignore their sales pitch and ask, "Have you accepted Jesus as your savior?" Or Buddha or whoever your spiritual leader is. If you're serious about it, all the better.

9. Get Cut Off
This is slightly different than having a bad connection. In this scenario, you start to tell them you want to buy their product, but you hang up on yourself mid-sentence so they think you got cut off. It might be best not to answer the phone again for a few minutes in case they try to call back.

10. Be a counselor.
Kindly and gently counsel them on the error of their ways and how they should do something more honorable for a living.

PIck your favorite from the list above. Or try them all. You'll feel better.