10 Ways to Survive in Brooklyn

1. If you live anywhere but Park Slope or Brooklyn Heights, adopt an accent. Purely American accents are as rare in Brooklyn as American flags are in Riyadh. Depending on the area you live in, you could try for Italian, Chinese, Puerto Rican, West Indian, Ghetto, Yiddish, Israeli, Indian, Arabic or Russian. Should you wish to optimize your accent, you could always consult a specialist in order to try and get that Syrian parlance just right. You wouldn't want anyone to think you're from Beirut now, would you?

2. You must drive a broken down car or a sparkling new Mercedes. Anything in between belongs in New Jersey, and you know it, so who are you kidding?

3. Whatever you do, don't live near the N train. It sucks, for reasons I cannot disclose at this time.

4. Patronize the corner groceries, but only when you really need them. If you don't have a car, rent one twice a month and drive to the Meadowlands shopping area right off the George Washington Bridge. Sam's Clubs and Walmarts galore. We're not like those uppity Manhattanites who buy their scented Manolo Blahnik toilet paper at Whole Foods for $5.00 a roll..

5. Explore local bars and clubs. There's no need to shlep to Manhattan, where people will laugh at your Bridge & Tunnel status as if they're that much smarter than you, paying $3,000 a month for a one bedroom plus maintenance. Park Slope, Williamsburg and the Heights all have great bars and pubs, with less wide eyed shorts-wearing tourists.
6. Tip the super when you first move in to the building. This will help prevent sudden rodent infestation or slow disappearance of household appliances. Slip him $100 and he'll be at your beck and call.

7. Go to Brighton Beach for fruits and vegetables. You'll find great produce at excellent prices. Those Little Odessa people know what they want, and they sure have delicious imports and dried or smoked fish. If, like me, you have a slightly Slavic features, expect to be addressed in Russian.
Of course, if you're from the former Soviet Union you'll find everything you need in Brighton Beach, from books and music to caviar and Kvas.

8. If you feel your salt is not as strong as it should be, take a trip to Bay Ridge. Italian specialty stores on 18th Avenue import sea salt, as well as countless other products such as Sicilia Lemon Juice, olives and capers, pastries and cheeses.

9. Too much change in your pockets or purse? Head to the Boro Park neighborhood, walk down 13th Avenue and freely dispense pennies into cups of panhandlers. To count your change free of charge, just wander into the Commerce Bank and use one their nifty counting machines.

10. Do NOT go to the Park Slope Tea House if you don't like seeing children or nursing moms in cafés. Sure, they have free wireless, but stay clear if you don't feel like dodging toddlers and their carriages in what should be a heaven for writers,