10 New Year's Resolution Suggestions for Donald Rumsfeld

It's been a tough year for the primary architect of the-what exactly do you call it when Americans are getting killed in a foreign country in which the mission was announced as accomplished, the end of hostilities were announced, and there is no actual army against whom they are fighting? Well, whatever you call what the situation in Iraq technically is, there is no denying it's been a tough year for the guy who bears the most responsibility for how it's going. Donald Rumsfeld must feel like one of those New York Yankee managers from the old days, when George Steinbrenner would stand behind them on Monday and pat them on the back and give them the ol' "Billy or Bob or Gene or Dick or Billy or Yogi or Billy is our manager for at least the rest of the season" only to find themselves fired by Wednesday. One week Pres. Bush is slapping Rumsfeld on the back and telling Rummy he's his man in Iraq-figuratively, of course, since Rumsfeld is very much in keeping with the Bush White House tradition of never actually placing their own ass on the line in defense of their beliefs-and the next minute Bush is giving him the old heave-ho.

Yes, 2007 should prove to be a landmark year for Donald Rumsfeld. For the first time in this millennium he won't be called upon to use his extensive battlefield experience in crafting a strategy to deal with his brilliant tactical invasion of a country that posed all the military threat to the United State of…oh…Canada. No doubt Rumsfeld will be taking the next few weeks to reflect on his five and a half years as the single worst Secretary of Defense in the history of the United States as he ponders what to do next. And so I am hereby taking it upon myself to suggest the following New Year's resolutions for Donald Rumsfeld.

Resolution number 10: Learn Arabic.
This is a terrific resolution for Rumsfeld to make. Let's face it, Rumsfeld is rich enough to afford a whole cadre of bodyguards. But even bodyguards can be paid off or taken out. Rummy should probably learn how to speak the language of his potential kidnappers since, well, it is the policy of the US not to negotiate with hostage takers.

Resolution number 9: Take humility lessons.
Okay, let's face it. Donald Rumsfeld isn't exactly the most humble guy in the world. You are more likely to see Karl Rove be the first one to excuse himself from the Thanksgiving feast than you are to hear Donald Rumsfeld admit to making a mistake. Which is very odd considering how many mistakes he made every day for five years.

Resolution number 8: Learn how to interpret satellite images.
I mean, after all, apparently Donald Rumsfeld was able to look at satellite images and determine not only that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction just weeks before the US invasion, but he was able to determine exactly they were: around Baghdad and Tikrit. Except…well…you know.

Resolution number 7: Learn that telling the truth is not by definition a bad thing.
Hey, it's a crazy world. It is certainly not beyond the realm of possibility that Donald Rumsfeld might just actually find himself in a position of power again one day. It would be nice for the country if Rumsfeld had learned how to tell truth if that ever happens.

Resolution number 6: Rent a sense of humor.

Resolution number 5: Take a vow of silence for the entire year. Or the rest of his life. Either way, I'm good.

Resolution number 4: Should he not be able to fulfill resolution number 5, personally visit the family members of every single person who was killed in Iraq and get down on his knees and apologize to them and beg God to have mercy on his soul.

Resolution number 3: Make a public vow, and sign a legally binding contract to never accept a job in the government of the United States again for as long as he lives.

Resolution number 2: Practice for the afterlife by trying to daily improve how long he can hold his palm one inch over an open flame.

Resolution number 1: Ask someone where he can locate one of these new-fangled inventions called a "history book".