10 New Year's Resolution Suggestions for Joe Scarborough

Joe Scarborough used to represent my district in the US House of Representatives. He quit in mid-term because he felt he was missing out on the spectacular joy that is the responsibility of raising his kids. Let's face it, even a Congress that meets more than the ten days a year that the Bush Congress meets spends a lot of time working. The toll of being away from his children was just too much for Joe, so he dropped out of Congress to spend more time with his kids. Roughly two days later Joe Scarborough signed on with MSNBC to host a nightly hour-long discussion program that focuses on what an awful influence Hollywood is on society by spending 56 minutes of his 60 minute program talking about Hollywood celebrities and showing footage of people like Paris Hilton. That Joe, what a complex character!

As part of the Associated Content series on New Year's resolution suggestions for celebrities and politicians-although I'm not sure Joe Scarborough qualifies in either case-I hereby submit my suggestions for New Year's resolutions that Scarborough should consider.

New Year's Resolution number 10: Learn how to distinguish between a celebrity and a performer.

Part of the problem with Joe Scarborough's incessant obsession with what he so cleverly terms Hollyweird-isn't that clever, bet you never heard Hollywood referred to that way before, huh-is that Scarborough confuses actual talent with fame. By following the activities of people like Paris Hilton or any reality TV game show contestant around like a tabloid photographer, Scarborough is undermining his own point. These people are the very EPITOME of the right-wing, Adam Smith, Ayn Rand approach to capitalism.

New Year's Resolution number 9: Use all your contacts to find out just how much-if any-Escambia Co. School Superintendent Jim Paul really is going to make from shutting down all those schools and building new ones.

It's a local issue. The first day on the job for three of Escambia Co. Florida's newly elected School Board members they were asked to make a decision to shut down schools and consolidate others and basically just turn the whole district upside down. I'm sure Joe has enough contacts to look into matter of who might possibly stand to-gasp!-benefit from awarding massive contracts to build new schools.

New Year's Resolution number 8: Make up his mind now on how he feels about John McCain and Rudy "Family Values=Two Divorces" Giuliani.

You see, Scarborough is a Republican. And as we all know, when a Democrat comes to change his mind as a result of gaining new information, he is called a flip-flopper. I think it's only fair that Republicans get tagged the same way. Scarborough has flip-flopped over the abilities of Pres Bush so many times I've actually gotten physically sick to my stomach watching him. Five years ago Bush was the greatest thing since sliced Reagan and now he's an idiot. C'mon, Joe, quit flip-flopping or else you'll find yourself permanently featured in split-screens with John Kerry. Tell us now how you feel about McCain and Giuliani and stick with it. Your constituents don't like relativity; they like to find an opinion and hold onto it for the rest of their lives.

New Year's Resolution number 7: For God's sake, isn't there some kind of Nip/Tuck like procedure to do something about those beady eyes! You look like a weasel, Joe.

New Year's Resolution number 6: Seriously consider moving to Fox News and freeing up another hour for Olbermann.

New Year's Resolution number 5: Give poor Katherine Harris a job as an intern.

I mean, for God's sake, Joe, if it wasn't for Katherine Harris your man Bush would be screwing up some other job somewhere else. You guys owe her BIG and the way you ran screaming like a Flanders from her during the election is disgraceful. (Okay, it wasn't nice of her to bring up that nasty matter of the young woman mysteriously dying in your Congressional office, but….)

New Year's Resolution number 4: Get to work an hour earlier so that he can have time to watch and learn from his lead-in Keith Olbermann.

What can Joe Scarborough learn from Olbermann? Well, what could the Monkees learn from the Beatles? What can Keanu Reeves learn from Kevin Spacey? What can Pres. Bush learn from…anyone?

New Year's Resolution number 3: Do a Chris Wallace on Dick Cheney.

Yeah, wouldn't that be cool? Remember all the press Christina got when he pulled a pussy job on Clinton and how all the conservatives went all mental over how out of control Clinton got? Man, just imagine pissing off Cheney by pulling a pussy job on him and how mental you'd get the Democrats to go when Cheney blew his top. One word of advice, though: Make sure Cheney doesn't have easy access to a shotgun.

New Year's Resolution number 2: Take a stand on a subject before it's become the standard of the majority and stick with it.

C'mon, Joe. We're all tired of never knowing where you stand on a subject. Is Bush a genius or a moron? Is Hollywood bad for America, and if it is then why does your show feature more celebrities a week than Ellen DeGeneres, The View and Entertainment Tonight combined?

New Year's Resolution number 1: Quit your job at MSNBC to commit yourself full time to raising your kids. And then start having more kids. And don't quit having them.