10 New Year's Resolution Suggestions for OJ Simpson

OJ Simpson wants to be the center of attention again. After releasing his new book, If I Did It, doubts are resurfacing as to whether or not he actually DID kill Ron and Nicole. In this book, OJ describes how he would have hypothetically committed the murders. Many people don't realize that, while acquitted of murdering Nicole and Ron, he was later found guilty of the murders in civil court and ordered to pay restitution in the amount of $33.5 million to the families.

Staying out of jail apparently wasn't good enough for The Juice. No, he had to write a graphic novel about the murders, rubbing it in the faces of the families that lost Ron and Nicole. Now, I know that Ron and Nicole weren't saints, but come on. If I killed someone and got away with just paying some money, I'd keep my mouth shut. So, OJ, let's make 2007 a better year. Repeat after me...

RESOLUTION #1: I WILL KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT.

Get it, OJ? SHUT UP. Don't make a formal apology to the families for writing your book. Don't go on interviews pushing your book. Leave Oprah and Barbara Walters alone. Don't write letters to magazines or newspapers, or do radio interviews. Don't even do book signings. Just let your book be on the shelves (because it's already there, and we can't do anything about it), and collect your royalties every quarter.

RESOLUTION #2: I WILL PUT MY CHILDREN FIRST.

Do you have any idea what you are doing to your children, Mr. Simpson? Do you think that they aren't going to read this book? Do you think that their friends and other family members are not going to bring it up? How do you think this makes them feel? It's about time you started thinking about your kids, and stop thinking about your self.

RESOLUTION #3: I WILL NOT WRITE A SEQUEL.

Whatever you do, Juice, don't write a book called If I Did It Again, with a hypothetical story about killing your in-laws. That REALLY wouldn't go over too well.

RESOLUTION #4: I WILL SWITCH TO MITTENS.

OJ, OJ, OJ... I have seen pictures of you wearing black leather gloves. Why would you do this? Yes, Johnny Cochran said, "If the glove does not fit, you must acquit," and you went on your merry way. Do us all a favor: Switch to woolen mittens. I'll even make you a pair.

RESOLUTION #5: I WILL USE MONEY FROM MY BOOK SALES TO PAY THE $33.5 MILLION JUDGEMENT AGAINST ME.

OJ, you have a lot of money. A LOT. Why haven't you paid the $33.5 million to the families of the victims for causing their murders? After all, there is a judgment against you, and has been for over 10 years. PAY THE MONEY, OJ. Use the royalties from this book and pay up.

RESOLUTION #6: I WILL RESIST MAKING A MADE-FOR-TV MOVIE OF MY BOOK.

Let it go, man. Just let it go.

RESOLUTION #7: I WON'T MAKE ANOTHER NAKED GUN MOVIE.

No matter how much Leslie Neilsen begs you, don't do it. Your 15 minutes of fame are up.

RESOLUTION #8: I WILL NOT LOOK UP MY EX-WIFE.

You're going to need some positive publicity - if you don't disappear into the shadows, that is - after this book fiasco, OJ. You might look for a warm body. Just do us all a favor and stay away from your ex-wife, Marguerite L. Whitley. We know how you handle disputes with wives already... We don't want to relive that again.

RESOLUTION #9: I WILL NOT REMARRY.

Your children have been through enough. And, the American public - nay, the world - has had enough of you. Seriously. Please don't make us suffer through the OJ celebrity wedding.

RESOLUTION #10: I WILL FADE INTO OBSCURITY.

Go away, OJ. We don't want you anymore. We had enough of you by 1996. The jokes are done. You're not funny. The murders weren't and still aren't funny. You are a sad, pathetic man, desperate for some sort of attention. You should have "grown a set" and admitted what you did in the first place.

Even if you couldn't do that, you should have paid the families. And even if you couldn't do that, you should have just kept your mouth shut. You've done enough here, OJ. Your time is up - and now it's time for you to disappear. But, don't worry. Generation X-ers and above will always ask each other "Where were you when OJ was on the run?"