10 New Year's Resolution Suggestions for Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise, you were so cute in Legend, what happened to you? Oh yeah- the crazy. But I think that through a simple New Year's regimen of resolutions, you can actually uncrazy yourself if you really try. Here are a few suggestions:

1. There's no need for you to procreate. No, seriously, there is really no need. You can stop now.

2. Pick a wife. Your string of wives has gotten progressively younger, while you yourself have not. Men who date much younger women can not handle a woman their own age because they are too immature or stupid. To fix this, you might try thinking.

3. Xenu is not coming. He called and said he is not coming back, so don't bother to wait- do something else with your time. Sorry about that.

4. Dating is not the same as "recruiting." It is not missionary work, it is not meant to convert people. Your bizarre spectacle of introducing young women to Scientology to see which one would take to it the best was not really the same thing as dating. When Katie finally gets committed, try going on dinner dates and not bringing up your secret Kool-Aid blend until the third date.

5. Go back to Mimi Rogers. What was so wrong with Mimi Rogers? She beats the hell out of any of your other wives. You seriously left her for Nicole Kidman? Nicole Kidman was in Days of Thunder playing a 21-year-old brain surgeon for Pete's sake. You found that irresistible enough to leave Mimi Rogers? What the hell is wrong with you?

6. Use google. If you will try googling "L. Ron Hubbard", you might just find out that he was actually a sci-fi writer and made up all of that stuff you are always talking about. They won't let you use google? Tough luck.

7. Free Katie. Let her go out without "minders." If she doesn't run for her life, change her name and wear a fake mustache, then it was really meant to be.

8. Quit making movies. Don't make any more movies unless they are "Scary Movie" type films that parody your "action star" thing. Or maybe you could make public service announcements about the dangers of cults. No? Oh well, it was worth a try.

9. Quit going to soccer games. No one really thinks that you care, and everyone knows you do it for the photo op. You not only look like a jackass, but you are disturbing the games for the real humans who want to take their kids to play soccer.

10. Stay off the furniture. Oprah was not impressed with you. I don't even think Rosie O'Donnell is impressed with you anymore. Anyone who is raised right knows to stay off the damn furniture.

Write these down, Tom. Do they allow you to have pens? If so, write it all down and try to achieve each one. These really aren't that hard if you stop screwing around and get serious about stopping the crazy. Anne Heche did it, and you can too.