10 New Year's Resolutions for Oprah

Love her or hate her, Oprah's personal battle with her weight is watched by millions. Women identify with her public struggle to stay slim, especially because her natural body type doesn't match the current standard of supermodel beauty. For one of the richest women in the world, Oprah has no qualms about making herself appear human like the rest of us chubby slobs who'd rather eat cake than carb-free wafers.

New Year's is universally capable of wreaking havoc on our self-esteem, when we consider the things we should be doing to make ourselves healthier versus what we actually do. If the rest of us are going to be making diet resolutions, I'll bet my cookie stash Oprah is, too.

2. Find a new Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil made Oprah's talk show even more wildly popular than it already was. Now that he's a celebrity in his own right, Oprah could use a new charismatic sidekick to step into Dr. Phil's shoes. Dr. Phil has this great way of telling people they're jerks in an incredibly likable way. Who will show Oprah's guests the errors of their ways now? I vote for Dr. Drew from Loveline, or someone equally good at dishing out kind frankness on national television.

3. Break new ground with the Book Club.

Oprah's Book Club inspires people to read books they'd never look at twice otherwise. While that's a commendable achievement, Oprah's Book Club has become a joke to many others. "She either picks dead white guy classics, or sappy novels about poor Black women," one of my friends remarked the other day. "If I see an Oprah's Book Club seal on the cover of a book, I know exactly what to expect."

Don't get me wrong-Oprah has picked some real winners over the years. But remember what happened when she selected Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections and invited him to speak on her show? He refused, claiming his book didn't fit the Oprah mold. While he may have been right, Oprah deserves some credit for selecting a brilliant book by a virtually unknown author, even if it didn't fit neatly alongside her other Book Club choices.

She tried again with James Frey's A Million Little Pieces, and was scandalized when his memoir turned out to be at least partially fiction.

What Oprah needs to do is stand by her initial instincts and select more books like The Corrections. Instead of telling us to read the classics or the made-for-Lifetime books we already know we should be reading, Oprah needs to grow some balls and keep choosing works of contemporary literature by little-known authors. Eventually, the snotty authors will take Oprah's seal of approval as a compliment and accept their newfound fame gracefully. And readers will be thankful for exposure to interesting books we might not have heard of otherwise.

4. Make it okay for men to admit childhood trauma, too.

By admitting her struggle to cope with childhood abuse and its lingering effects, Oprah ushered in a new era for women. Now, women can stand up and say, "I was molested," without fear of blame. Oprah encouraged a whole generation of women to seek help for lingering psychological trauma, and took the shame out of childhood abuse. What about the men, though? In American culture, it's still not acceptable for a man to say, "I was raped."

Somehow, people still regard men who were abused as either weak or homosexual. The recent Catholic Church scandals involving priests and young boys has made it sort of acceptable for a man to admit abuse at the hands of the church, but what about the men who were abused by relatives or neighbors? If anyone can give these men a voice, it's Oprah.

5. Attract a younger audience.

Let's face it: Oprah's nice, but she's definitely not cool. My mother's generation learned so much from Oprah, but I don't feel like Oprah speaks to my peer group. If Oprah wants to stay on the air, she's going to have to appeal to a younger crowd at some point. Younger celebrity guests might be a good start. Less focus on domestic things (like cooking) would help, too. After all, Oprah got women interested in pole dancing as a form of aerobic exercise. Let's see what else she can do to spice up her show for that generation of women coming into success right now.

6. Land a meaningful movie role.

What has Oprah done lately? Since playing Sophia in The Color Purple, we know she's got more acting talent than Madonna. But Madonna keeps landing movie roles, and Oprah is nowhere to be found, except the occasional made-for-television movie. I know that people say there are no good roles for African-American women, especially older ones, but Angela Bassett's movie roles only get better and better. Queen Latifah stars in a new blockbuster at least once a year. And neither one of them is young anymore, either. Oprah, get yourself back into film!

7. Resist the temptation to let her show become a Springer-fest.

The public is rebelling against Martha Stewart-like figures, and even newly popular Rachel Ray is proving to have a short celebrity shelf life. Oprah's been a public staple now for about twenty years, but she'll have to eventually lose some of the domestic act if she wants to keep her ratings up. I seriously hope she'll choose to dig deeper into contemporary issues instead of letting her show degenerate into another sensationalized daytime act. I have faith, though, that Oprah will never allow drunken hicks to beat each other about the head with prop bouquets and wooden chairs.

8. Never, ever invite Tom Cruise back to her couch.

Tom Cruise sucks, and no one wants to see him jump on Oprah's couch ever again. Period.

9. Buy a new couch.

Oprah's guests deserve to sit on a comfortable sofa. If Tom Cruise dislodged even one of the springs on Oprah's couch, she needs to buy a new one. God knows she can afford it, and no one wants to be reminded of the couch incident.

10. Get a new do.

Oprah's had the same hair forever and a day. Sure, it changes a little from time to time, but not really. While I can't exactly see her sporting a mohawk or dreads, I think she'd look lovely with a short, natural haircut. She's got great cheekbones, and she deserves to do something different. The public will get over it quickly, I promise.