100% Guaranteed Retirement Strategy: Sort Of

Retirement. The word scares the bejeepers out of you. Maybe it excites you. Maybe it gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling. Maybe it makes you want to throw up. The word means different things to different people. Well, if it means never working another day in your life, then you will need a fool-proof strategy to cover all of those pesky little expenses that just won't go away, even in retirement. With my 100% GUARANTEED RETIREMENT STRATEGY --- SORT OF, you too can live the life you dream about --- carefree and work-free and.....well......free of care and work.

IMPORTANT DISCLOSURE: I am not a financial planner and this plan is only guaranteed to work as long as you don't actually retire.

Okay. Good. Glad that's out of the way. Now let's get down to the nitty-gritty. Retirement strategy can be broken down into several basic components. We will explore two of those components today. Other components will be explored whether or not I receive a groundswell of requests for the complete strategy after today's presentation.

RETIREMENT STRATEGY NUMBER ONE:

MONEY

Have lots and lots of it. This simple step is perhaps the best single strategy, and my personal favorite, to pursue on your personal journey to retirement bliss.The "lots of money" strategy has been pursued by notable non-retired persons such as Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, and Queen Elizabeth; and by notable dead retired persons such as Andrew Carnegie, John D. Rockefeller, and King Solomon, what with his mines and all.

The money can be hard-earned, hardly-earned, or inherited money. It can be a wife's, a husband's, an uncle's, an aunt's, or Uncle Sam's. It must cost you little or no effort to access this money, including Uncle Sam's, but I can not stress this enough----it must be lots and lots of money or you will not enjoy your retirement the way that I intend you to enjoy it. How much is a lot? The answer to that question will be different for each of you, but suffice to say that it should be way more than I have.....which isn't saying much.

"How do I acquire the necessary tonnage of money to enjoy a succesful retirement?" you might ask. There are many methods of acquisition available, far too many to cover in a column such as this. I suggest that you consult your financial advisor about obtaining big whopping wads of money, but be careful not to give too many honking handfuls of your money to your advisor.....unless he/she really earns it or seems like a nice sort.

RETIREMENT STRATEGY NUMBER TWO:

STOCKS

Yes, I know. Stocks go up and down. Stocks can make and break you. You might lose money if you invest it in stocks. Well, aren't we the big, whiny wusses who aren't bothering to listen to Mr. Retirement Planner? There are TRICKS OF THE TRADE that will ensure that your foray into stocks will be a successful one.

Trick of the trade # 1

Own lots of stocks worth a lot of money. If you are planning a long retirement you will need a long list of stocks worth a lot of money in your portfolio. That way, when you sell some stocks to cover some annoying expense or another, you will still have a plethora (yes, a plethora) of stocks worth a scad (yes, a whole scad) of money for future annoying expenses. If you are planning a short retirement, then you can get away with a much shorter list of stocks worth a lot less. Keep in mind, however, that if your various annoying and non-annoying expenses are exorbitant, then you will need a long list of stocks worth a lot of money to buy a lot of expensive toys in the short time you have left.

Trick of the trade # 2

Own stocks that will pay a dandy little item known as an EXTRAORDINARY DIVIDEND. Some stocks hoard their money, waiting for just the right investment to come along. Sometimes, they come to their senses and realize the right woman....uh.....investment will never cross their path, so they give all of their hoarded money to the investors in the form of a one-time extraordinary dividend. Simply buy a bunch of those stocks right before they decide to give all of their money away. Speak to your financial advisor for more details on this option. Be sure to tell her that I sent you. She may want to thank me.

Trick of the trade # 3

Own a super stock. There are two types of super stocks: the fast burners and Berkshire Hathaway. You know the fast burners. The stocks in the late '90's that were doubling or tripling every month or two. Many early investors in these fast burners made millions, and I think we can all agree that it's safe to assume that "millions" is a nice starting point, even if it is in dollars, for a snazzy retirement. Simply buy the next Microsoft, Cisco, Dell or You Name It fast burner before---and I can not stress this point too strongly---BEFORE they start doubling and tripling every month or two. Make sure to sell the fast burners shortly before they turn over and plow into the earth. Use the proceeds to buy a wagon load or two of gold.

As for Berkshire Hathaway, you will need a boat load of money (refer to Strategy # 1) to buy this stock. Failing this, you will need to purchase a science textbook, build a time machine (H.G. Wells comes to mind, or that Jules Verne guy) go back in time 30 or 40 years, and buy Berkshire Hathaway stock. Again, be sure to consult your financial advisor before (yes, BEFORE) embarking on this strategy.

Well, I don't know about you, but that is certainly more than enough retirement information for me to digest in one day. Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for future installments of the 100% Guaranteed Retirement Strategy---Sort Of, which may or may not contain detailed instructions for building a functional time machine.