100 Per Cent Guaranteed Retirement Strategy: Sort of, Part Two

Welcome back, class. For those of you who joined me for part one of Retirement Strategy, you should be well on your way to securing the retirement of your dreams. To summarize for those of you who, for whatever unacceptable reason, missed yesterday's session----in order to retire, please gather lots and lots of money, and/or gather a long list of stocks worth a lot of money, about to give you a lot of money, or stocks that have been designated as "Super".

All caught up? Great. Let's move on to

RETIREMENT STRATEGY NUMBER THREE

SHORTEN YOUR RETIREMENT

Let's face it. Some of us, for one reason or another, have failed to gather pots full of money, or a long list of stocks worth lots of money. We didn't have the foresight to buy Cisco, Dell, Microsoft, and You Name It long before they became super stocks, and then crashed and burned. We didn't think of getting product placement deals in place before we mentioned them in our Retirement Guides. And we just don't have a lot of time left to gather these assets. All is not lost. Simply shorten the time that you will spend in retirement. There are three surefire ways to shorten the retirement phase of your life.

(1) Work longer. Yep. There it is. Some of us are just going to have to drag our weary minds and bodies to the salt mines day after ohmyGodmindnumbing day until we pray that we die tonight just so we don't have to go to that freaking office/bar/hotel/truck/mine/cubicle one more freaking day. For those of you who enjoy working......WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?.....I mean, good for you. You will enjoy life until your last gasping breath. The rest of us will need to suck it up and work until we're almost in the coffin, or:

(2) Die soon after retirement. Dying soon after retirement simplifies your retirement planning by an order of magnitude, whatever that means. As a matter of fact, if you die soon after retiring, then you probably don't need to do any retirement planning at all. So those of you who will die soon after retirement can relax and stop planning and saving right now. As always, consult with your real financial advisor before halting any planning and saving that you may currently be conducting. Have her "run the numbers" for living long after retirement and for dying soon after retirement. You and your advisor may be surprised by the results. Or not. Not to worry, for there is always number:

(3) The asteroid hits the Earth and wipes out mankind. At first glance, Step 3 looks a lot like Step 2. Okay, at second and third glance the similarities are striking, but only insofar as the asteroid wipes out all of mankind, including those of you who have planned for a long retirement and have a huge honking pile of money and/or stocks to pay for it. What a bummer. And what a stroke of luck for those of you who need to die soon after retirement, but have absolutely no idea how to carry out that aspect of your retirement plan.

Full Disclosure: For those of you who are counting on mankind's extermination by means of an asteroid, please be advised that I have a conflict of interest between my role as an unofficial retirement planning writer and my role as an unannounced, word-of-mouth candidate for President/Emperor of the United States. If elected, I will gather the finest minds encountered in mumerous barroom discussions (who, by the way, have solved all of the world's pressing problems) and put them to work on a plan to avert mankind's destruction by asteroid. If I am not elected, I will do nothing as I let my own personal retirement strategy unfold. That brings us to:

RETIREMENT STRATEGY NUMBER FOUR:

SOCIAL SECURITY

Har! The basic plan for Social Security, as I understand it, is that you give all of your money to the government today and the government will give you all....most......okay, some of your money back when you are retired. Maybe. If I am elected, I will wholeheartedly endorse this Social Security Strategy wherein you give me/the government all of your money today and I/the government will ensure that you live a long, healthy, and happy life in retirement. At least, that is, until the asteroid hits.