10,000 Bad Choices

With "10,000 B.C.", director/screenwriter Roland Emmerich borrows a little something from every movie he's made thus far along with every myth and factual fancy from early human history to create a new mythical story of early man's adventures here on earth. And despite the CGI eye-candy of "Lord of the Rings"-type vistas, oversized woolly mammoth's, prehistoric birds and saber tooth tiger's along for the ride, "10,000 B.C. suffers from 10,000 bad choices!
Emmerich relies heavily on his prior work in 1994's "Stargate", but minus a teleportation device to excuse historical inaccuracies like prehistoric cavemen with boats and forged metals of all kind, "10,000 B.C." asks far too much of it's audience in forgoing any sense of basic logic.
I knew I was in trouble when certain tribes speak perfect English in the film, while others speak in foreign dialects accompanied by subtitles. One unintentional laugh comes when one English speaking tribesman questions how one of the foreign tribes has learned to speak the same language as he.

Co-written by composer-turned-screenwriter, Harold Kloser, what fails most in "10,000 B.C." is a lack of interesting characters to keep us caring between the magnificent set pieces and choreographed action sequences that have become a staple in films like these. Positively wooden portrayals are delivered here by leads who despite their dread-locked hair and animal skin clothing still manage to have the prettiest teeth and hairless bodies found anywhere in prehistoric times. When a character dies in an adventure film these days and I feel absolutely nothing I blame the writer not the actor.
The basic premise in this film of a stronger tribe kidnapping and enslaving the weaker is as old as the film's title suggests. And wrapping it in a unlikely modern-type love story does nothing to make us care for what is happening on screen. I really was hoping Raquel Welch would show up magically reviving her character "Loana" from 1966's "One Million Years B.C." just to spice things up a bit!

The juxtaposition of different historical timelines and topographical regions causes some head scratching along the way as well, and it would be forgivable given this was an actual episode of "Lord of the Rings", but it's not and it's painfully obvious. The producers are not saying this film is history but by calling it "10,000 B.C.", they have opened themselves up to some deserved ridicule. Where on earth and at what point in time has any of the many different tribes, civilizations and geographically-opposed peoples ever managed to live so closely together? With very little passage of time to account for, characters in this film cross so many different landscapes that one would think you could go from a sandy desert to a snow-filled mountaintop in a matter of minutes. When the pyramids of Egypt suddenly show up on screen I knew the film had lost me.

Director Emmerich has a knack for remaking and reusing material and ideas already done before. Despite the obvious nods to "Stargate" and "Lord of the Rings" found here, many ideas from other films are rehashed throughout. Not too surprising considering director Emmerich is the one who gave us 1998's dreadful remake of "Godzilla", along with disaster retread "The Day after Tomorrow" in 2004. So, what's next for the budding director you may ask? Emmerich is hard at work on none other then a remake of "Fantastic Voyage", another sci-fi flick from 1966 which it just so happens also starred Raquel Welch. One can only hope a cameo by the former screen goddess will be included to liven up that newest version of an old idea.