12 Steps of Step-Parenting
Step 1 - Powerlessness
Reality soon comes around and knocks those glasses off your face. You deal with kids who don't want you in their lives, and will tell you about it, an ex-spouse who doesn't want you involved in the situation at all, and a spouse who has to figure out a way to balance the old relationships and blend it with the new one. You go in expecting to be an equal partner with equal says and discover that things are done very differently.
You find yourself trapped, given responsibilities that were someone else's choice, forced into a situation someone else made, and you are expected to live with someone else's problems. The worst part, you did it freely. You did it out of love for someone and a belief that you could get through anything together, as partners.
Welcome to being a step-parent.
It would drive even the most stoic and sanest of people up the wall. But, you can't live your life focusing on the more difficult aspects of being a step parent. So, how do you get past the frustration and difficulties that come with the territory?
"We admitted we were powerless..."
Focusing on what the ex said, or what the kids did, or what your spouse did or did not do can be an obsession. But only if you let it. The only person that you can control is yourself and the only person in charge of your emotions is you. Your husband's ex-wife did something vicious? You weren't married to her. Your wife's son brought home a failing grade? Not your kid, not your problem.
Take a deep breath and admit the truth. Your power rests solely in someone else's hands. It is a situation that you have only as much control over as your spouse allows. If they decide you are not to make rules for their kids in your house, you can either suck it up or you can leave.
In the end, the decisions you make will affect your marriage. How you decide to handle it, as well as how capable you are of letting certain things go will play very important parts in the success or failure of your relationship.
Your first question should always be: "Is this something I have power over?" That should be followed up by: "Is this a battle I need to fight?" If the answer to both of those questions is 'no' then you need to center yourself and find some peace and balance before you approach your spouse to banish any lingering resentment you may feel.
Once you can accept your powerlessness, you have started your journey to finding peace in the warzone of step-life.
Published by Emily Taylor
Born in 1979, Emily graduated from Saint Mary's College, Notre Dame, IN in 2001. Married in 2003, with a new baby, Emily anticipates putting her writing and life experience to good use. View profile
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- Your first question: Is this something I have power over?
- Your second question: Is this a battle I need to fight?
- In the end, remember that you married your spouse, not his kids or his ex.
5 Comments
Post a CommentI live in a foreign country, have done for nearly two years, at first not easy ,but now I feel settled and feel ths is my home. The bomb shell now is my partners 19 year old daughter wants to take a year off unversity and live with us, at first I thought this would be nice, but after giving this deep thought its maybe not such a good idea. They are very close, in the past with her sister we have holidayed and they have visited us, each time because there relationship is full on, I often feel excluded, but i cope with this, I take myself off, its only one week or two weeks at the most, but when his daughter lives here full time, I just don't know if this will feel like my home, or will I feel like the tresspasser. I feel ths will either make or break our relationship, although at the moment hes not talking to me so I feel hes made his choice.
Powerlessness.....Such a surrendering word. I was always taught to be a strong woman, powerlessness sounds so weak. I actually was told by my husband yesterday for me to not deal with his 9 year old son at all, that he will take care of everything that has to do with him, homework, disciplining (my husband has noticed that my stepson affects me in a very negative way)... handing ALL of the responsibility of taking care of him to my husband sounds good. Sounds like a nice big load off my back. But then who am I in that house? Who am I in our family?
My husband also has a 14 year old son and a 11 year old daughter, I have a three year old of my own. Their mother died in 2001 and we all became a family in 2004. At first I was full of hope and ambition to make our family a great one. But now I feel like such a bad person because things haven't turned out the way I hoped they would've. My 9 year old son really burns me up, he just will not listen, he's so absent minded it's so frus
Right, but if the actual parent of the child were to disagree with something the step-parent said or did... What choice does the step-parent have. I have only as much power of my husband's kids as my husband allows. Just as your husband only has as much power as you allow him over your kids.
If you, Kim, were to decide that your husband really was too hard on your kids, what recourse does your husband have if your mind is made up?
I agree, we are PARENTS in this home, not step-mom and step-dad. We have some trouble with one we both try to deal with it together, also if it gets too much attention from either of us, we nkow it will continue. Postive parenting, no yelling, and making our expectations well known. Lots of Love, from both parents.
This article needs a little more depth. Who says the step-parent has only as much say as the parent gives them? I know my husband would disagree very strongly, as he is the step-parent of my children and feels that he has equal or better say as to what goes on in HIS home....