12 Tips for Overcoming Self-Criticism

You are your own worst enemy if you are excessively self-critical. Self-criticism makes you feel bad, negatively impacts your relationships with others and makes it difficult to accomplish your life's goals. To help understand the sources of self-criticism and learn some tips for overcoming it, I have interviewed Psychologists Ken and Karen Waldman.

Tell me a little about yourselves.
Ken: "I am licensed in Texas as a Psychologist and as a Marriage and Family Therapist. My doctorate is in Counseling Psychology from University of Texas at Austin in 1975. Two years ago I retired from University of Houston where I was Director of the student counseling center. I now do private practice, specializing in couples and relationship counseling . On a personal note, my wife and I will be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary next month. We have four children and five granddaughters. You can find my website at: counselinghouston.com ."

Karen: "I am also a licensed Psychologist with a doctorate in Counseling Psychology from University of Houston. For the past 20 years I have primarily worked in local hospitals. Ken and I are currently writing a book together that is tentatively entitled, Worth Fighting For: Self-Help for Couples."

Where does self-criticism come from?
"People who have a harsh inner critic usually had a critical and demanding parent or other authority figure (teacher, coach, drill sergeant, etc.). Overly high familial, religious, and cultural expectations may also contribute to comparing oneself with others and making negative self-evaluations (e.g., 'I'm such a loser. I'll never get into law school like my brother or make as much money as my sister.'). People often 'incorporate' external feedback into perceptions of themselves as if others' critiques are facts (rather than mere opinions). Self-criticism can easily morph into expecting oneself to meet impossible standards. For some individuals, this mindset may breed deep insecurity, perfectionism, and even self-loathing."

What are some tips for overcoming self-criticism?
"The following are 12 tips for overcoming self-criticism:

1. Accept that you are a fallible being, a member of the human race. (Mistakes and even failures are part of the package.)

2. Realize that if you do not love and accept yourself 'as is,' it will be hard to love others without judgment. It will be almost impossible to accept love or friendship from anyone, as you won't believe that you deserve it. ('She's being so friendly. I wonder what she wants from me.')

3. Distance yourself from any critical thoughts that arise in your mind. Just step back and notice them while choosing to take action in the direction of things that you value. ('Yep, there's that old mental tape recording of my mom saying I'm not good enough, and I'm going to ask for a promotion anyway.')

4. Decide that you will appreciate yourself for your efforts and for what you have already achieved. Commit to staying focused on what is important to you and on what you wish to accomplish. ('OK. I didn't get that singing job, but at least I tried. Guess I'll just keep taking lessons and enjoy being in my church choir.')

5. Realize that self-criticism does not improve performance. It just makes you feel bad and may even hinder your making the changes you wish to make. (In fact, perfectionism can almost paralyze people, which adds fuel to the self-criticism fire.)

6. Break down any large goals into manageable pieces. Focus on what the obstacles are and what it will take to overcome them. ('I'm obviously not ready to run a full marathon, but I'm going to keep training and enter as many 5- and 10-K races as I can.')

7. Realize that success often involves failing first and learning from mistakes. (Did you walk across the room the first time you stood up? How about riding a 2-wheeler?)

8. Decide to be the best you can be rather than comparing yourself to others. (' Martha Stewart I'm not, but I sure put a lot of TLC into this Thanksgiving feast.')

9. Forgive yourself if necessary and move on. ('I definitely messed up that time, but I now know what to do differently.')

10. Focus on what you can control rather than the things you can't control. ('I can't undo that choice because it was in the distant pass, but it's a good reminder to be more thoughtful in the future before making big decisions.')

11. Remind yourself that you are a role model for others in your life. (Do you want to teach your kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews, students, etc., to feel contempt or compassion for themselves?)

12. Ask yourself if a particular 'defect' or 'failure' is something that you will be thinking about on your deathbed. (If not, let it go!)."

What type of professional help is available for someone who is having a difficult time overcoming self-criticism?
"There is no shortage of mental health treatment available. If you have health insurance, especially with a preferred provider, you may not even have to pay a deductible and may have only a small co-payment. Major cities have low-cost mental health treatment through agencies such as United Way . Most psychotherapists deal with self-criticism and self-esteem issues. If you do a Google search, you can find providers in your area through websites like Psychology Today , GoodTherapy.com , and Theravive. Some practitioners may be willing to negotiate a rate that is based on your income."

Thank you, Drs. Ken and Karen Waldman, for doing the interview on tips for overcoming self criticism.

Recommended Readings:

Improving Self Esteem

Self Esteem Tips for African American Women

Self Esteem Tips for Men