13 Reasons Not to Marry a Vampire

Advice to the Vampire Seduced

Tricolor Rebel, Yahoo! Contributor Network
Feb 1, 2011 "Share your voice on Yahoo! websites. Start Here."

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Plain and simple, a vampire is dead. They may look alive but they are simply animated dead tissue with the remnant of the intelligence of the person whom the life has been sucked from. A better smelling, higher class of zombie, graduated from college with a penchant for blood is what you are pledging marriage to.
What married woman doesn't want to own a brilliantly shining set of silver for her dining table? Sorry, not going to happen if you say 'I do' to your prince of the night. Sharp silver implements and the undead don't usually agree. Even a cheap plated set would be out of the question, so get used to the taste of tin and put those Kennedy Silver dollars up for auction on EBay.
If you have silver fillings you can forget about full mouthed kissing. Not that it would be that enjoyable in the first place, having to dodge those fangs while you're tonguing, but to him your mouth will taste like sour death and pain. You thought ashtray mouth was bad, well you haven't been a vampire kissing someone with silver fillings or a silver tongue stud.
Forget about oral sex, unless you're on your period. Enough said.
Eventually, in every marriage, the woman will want to redecorate. Unless you have a love of 'Gothic Castle' and bad lighting you will probably be driven insane when your nesting instinct attempts to assert itself only to find the life sucked from it as well. You would have done better marrying a sports fanatic, at least they can be convinced to move their junk to the attic, basement den or garage storage. When you finally realize this, even those obese linemen from your old high school team are starting to look good to you. Sorry you didn't sign their yearbooks now?
Try as you may, ask, plead, even cry, but he will never wear that shirt you bought him. You thought adding some color to his wardrobe would be appreciated, you thought maybe just to make you happy he would put it on. Starting to realize his only interest in you may have been your blood? And you can't go home to mother over this for reasons later sited.
You'll never be able to convince him that turned up collars went out in the 80's.
Constant break-ins from those damned vampire hunters. You have just settled down for a quiet evening, some ghastly organ music, wolves howling in the background, and a snuggle with your dead cold vampy hubby when all hell breaks lose! Some are high-tech, some are traditional, but they all come in with one thing in mind, ending the existence of the animated dead corpse you call the love of your life.
He's out all night with the wolf man. You were happy when they first reunited. It was great to see him reconnect with an estranged college buddy. You liked the way his eyes sparkled when they chatted about hiding out from the Inquisition or feeding off of the puritans in colonial America. But now he spends all of his time with him. You don't know where they go, what they do and when you ask, he simply hisses at you. Not metaphorically, but literally hisses at you. Where has the love gone?
That damned Transylvanian accent is driving you buggy! Sure it was sexy when you met. It had an old world charm that stirred something primal in you when he said, "Vould you lake to go for a valk in the garden?" Oh how you drenched at that! But then you got used to it. It's simply the way he now talks and you think it just sounds stupid. You tell him, "It's been 200 years since you left Transylvania, don't you think you can lose that stupid way you talk!" But he only replies, "Vat stupid Vay that I talk?"
Erectile Dysfunction. Brings an entirely new meaning to 'raising the dead', and if you've ever tried you know how difficult that can be.
Impotence. Yes, women who marry older men often have a hard time conceiving. How do you think you're going to do? Just what is a healthy sperm count for an 1800 year old vampire? Maybe you gave in because you were over thirty-five and you heard the tick tick tick of that biological clock of yours, but did you consider the biological calender of his?!? Hang in there and keep trying, and if all else fails, maybe you can adopt that rat faced boy who crawled out of the hell hole last summer.
Losing your family. Yes, the relations with your family will have to end. With them living in the day and you in the night it will be hard to get together. Not to mention the coddling of your working class father. He has come a long way, he's stopped using the 'N" word and although he believes gays should not marry he at least finally acknowledges their rights as citizens. And now you're going to lay on him he has a blood sucking corpse for a son-in-law?!? Best to leave a note saying you have joined a nunnery, uh no they won't believe that, moved to Vegas, that won't do, have joined the CIA and become a secret agent that can no longer associate with family, probably not going to work either. Looks like you're going to have to find a way to explain him. After much thought and worry you simply tell the folks, "You'll never believe this, but I'm marrying Keith Richards!"