13 Simple New Year's Resolutions Everyone Can Keep

Drunk and disoriented may not be the best time to promise we're going to shape up and start living right, but millions of us seem to do it every year. The irony is that we all make the same promises on the same night in the same state of inebriation every year despite our utter and accumulated failures of every prior year. We are either psychotically optimistic or perpetually inattentive. Some of us, of course, are just drunk.

In retaliation, (and before the drinking starts) this year I made some resolutions I might, realistically, be able to keep. Feel free to adopt them as your very own, especially if you aren't delusional when sober either. I admit the list is less resolution and more self-absolution; but it's a list of life improvements accomplishable with a minimum of effort and a maximum of self-congratulatory back patting nevertheless.

Resolution #1 - Start living right January 2^nd. Let's face it, for many of us, the only thing we're going to accomplish on January 1^st is to move from the toilet bowl to the couch and maybe, eventually, with much pathetic moaning and mewling, back to the bed.

Resolution #2 - Self improve slowly. Think about how much time and effort we've expended so far to become the whiny, narcissistic, drunken, nicotine addicted, emotionally unavailable, financially unstable, slovenly couch potatoes we already are. Chances are good we're not going to turn into selfless, sober, sane, smart, solvent, organized Olympic Medalists in only 364 days either.

Resolution #3 - Put on a pound or two. It's much easier than you might think. The experts tell us we can't achieve our goals unless we have some. If I plan to put on two pounds this year, maybe I won't gain ten.

Resolution #4 - Spend some money on something. Forget for a few minutes about the staggering debt, crushing tax hikes and empty bank account. If we don't start spending money somewhere, the economy is going to continue to slide right into the crapper. (The key word of course, being "money," - it's greenish, washable, and usually smells funny for those who have forgotten.)

Resolution #5 - Be nicer to the parents. You can be nice to strangers too, taking into account that most strangers aren't considering leaving your entire inheritance to the (much more loyal) family pet (who, by the way, protectively snarls at strangers).

Resolution #6 - Be nicer to the kids. That way they won't pretend you're a stranger when you try to drag them, kicking and screaming, out of the grocery store, ignoring their incessant whining to buy them something you can't afford, and often leading to those embarrassing cavity searches down at police headquarters.

Resolution #7 - Getting organized seems to be one of the most popular resolutions. Personally, I have the opposite problem, but that doesn't mean I don't live with someone who truly lacks the ability (or my permission) to put his dishes in the dishwasher (correctly). If you lack organizational skills, you can read my "8 Ways to Look Organized" article. Or, if you're feeling really ambitious this year, start picking up your dirty underwear from the floor once or twice a week. (Don't overdo this one, or it becomes someone else's shattered expectation rather than your successful resolution.)

Resolution #8 - Give something up, especially (only?) if you really enjoy and are good at it. This year I'm finally going to give up people who routinely trample all over my last nerve. I know what you're thinking. But my irritation addiction provides me with numerous fun filled, stress inducing hours of complaining (which is something I not only do very well, but also thoroughly enjoy even though it's bad for me).

Resolution #9 - Work for no money. Some people call this volunteering. I call it writing. You might call it something else. You might even think you're already doing volunteer work for your parents and children. But you can't claim the mileage on your tax return or put it on your resume so it doesn't count.

Resolution #10 - Get rid of something bad for you. Trash the television. Some people choose an assortment of pharmaceuticals to alleviate depression and anxiety. Throwing the TV out not only eliminates our knowledge of new drugs, it puts money in our pockets, time on our clocks, and there are zero life threatening, gas inducing, startlingly humiliating side effects.

Resolution #11 - Stop making lists. There should always be at least one thing on your list that you're pretty sure is impossible or it's not a real New Year's list of resolutions.

Resolution #12 - Procrastinate - Start drinking later in the day.

Resolution #13 - Remember to clean and disinfect the toilet December 31st.