15 Minutes Raw, Part 1: A Short Story

"Cor, Ermajesty," sez me. "What's going on on ther screen there?"

"Ermajesty's new masterpiecings!" sez Ermajesty. "I calls it 'Morons Who Sits in ther Dark!'"

"'At looks like me being one of the morons," sez me, pointin' to ther screen.

"O' course it is! It's yer on ther screen 'cuz yer was there, weren't yers?"

"But is I a morons then, Ermajesty?"

"Nah," sez Ermajesty, "but yer helps ter make ther crowd look bigger."

"What is we doing in this film, Ermajesty?"

"Watchin'." sez she.

"We's watchin'?"

"Course," sez Ermajesty. "Yer was watchin' a movie. Sees?"

"But, Ermajesty," sez me, "why is yer filmin' me watchin' ther movies like such?"

"Cause," sez Ermajesty, "I has an inspirationings fer a new series o' films, an' it's all paid fer by ther EmPeeAbity-A. They's contractings me fer ter prevent piraticals, an' so they pays fer my next film."

"Ther EmPeeAble-A?" sez me. "Weren't they ther ones what tooks yer camera last time yer went to ther movies?"

"Sure," sez she, "but now they pays me to bring it cause I don't films ther films no more. I films ther audience."

"And watcher does wi' the film then, Ermajesty?"

"I edits it!" sez Ermajesty. "An' it becomes my next film, 'Morons Who Sits in ther Dark!'"

"Tweren't nice to be callin' us morons, Ermajesty."

"Yer has yet ter grasp ther subtle cleverness o' the plan."

"What's ther subtlety-like things o' the whosit, then?" sez me.

"I makes ther film on ther EmPeeAlberto-Ay's moolah," sez Ermajesty, "and then I sells ther film to ther filmic-goin' publicans. They's buys ther tickets ter watch 'emselves be in ther movie and they's never demands payment!"

"Butcher filmic-goin' publicites might film yer film," sez me, "an' be all piratical!"

"Ah-cha!" sez she. "Why would they film themselves on ther screen?"

"Crapola!" sez me. "I gets it! Ther film has no plot!"

"Ther film has no characters!" sez she.

"Who'd piratical somethin' what ain't got no script?" sez me.

"An' best of all," sez she, "ther movie writes its own franchise. When ther movie is releasinged, ther Em-Pee-Ailsya-A'll pay me ter films ther audience again to stop piraticals."

"So yer films the audience watchin' yer films o' the last audience yer filmed?"

"Absopolutely," sez Ermajesty.

"An' then yer edits it inter ther sequeling?"

"An' I releases it again," sez Ermajesty.

"An' ther EmPtyApplety-A pays yer ter film that audience, ter," sez me.

"An' I edits it inter ther trilogizing!"

"An' then ther EmPeeAngle-A pays yer ter film that audience!" crows me.

"An' ther franchise continues on ter doomsday!" cries Ermajesty.

"Brilliant!" sez me.

"Thank yer!" sez she.

"Ther metatheatrical implercations is astoundin'!" sez me. "Either that, er revoltin' - I always confuses ther two."

"Ferget ther metatheatricals," sez she. "By ther sixth filmics, yer audience is payin' ter see themselves watchin' themselves at a time when they was watchin' themselves watch a film o themselves watchin' themselves! Ther metaphysics er what's staggerin'!"

"Black hole o' film!" sez me.

"Cinematical singularity!" cries she.

"Onward to ther Oscar night!" sez me.

"Onward to glory!" sez she.