15 Tips for Successful Crime

So, you're considering a life of crime? Well, looking at the mistakes of those who have gone before you might be a good idea. Here are some tips and tricks as illustrated by some people who could have thought through their criminal enterprise a bit more before setting out:

1. Remember to take your loot. You've gone to the trouble of planning and committing a crime, so you should try to follow it through. Don't walk away before the pay-off. You may think this is obvious, but that's because you haven't read about a recent crime in Ft. Worth. A guy drove to a gas station, and backed into a vending machine. He broke the machine, knocking the coin box loose and then fled, leaving the spoils behind.

2. Don't leave your name, picture ID, phone number, or other identifying items at the scene of the crime. The cops might decide to use that information to find you. Remember, that's their job. Again, it's sad that this even has to be said, but it's apparently not as obvious as one would think. Writing the robbery note on the back of your personal check when you go to rob a bank is just criminally retarded. It's right up there with leaving behind your photo ID when you go to rob the local gas station.

3. Don't post evidence of your crime, like a video of you committing the offense, for instance, on the internet. You may be surprised to learn that the cops have computers and they even know about YouTube. Some people just can't resist the temptation to brag. Imagine how stupid you'll feel when you get out of jail and the video of your moronic crime is still around.

4. Plausible weaponry is a plus. Robbing someone with a Jello box, while claiming it's a bomb, just isn't all that convincing. Why not at least take a little more time and construct something that might be believed to be a bomb?

5. Watch out for criminals. It would be a pity to be out committing your crime and end up the victim of a crime. What's the point of stealing a car, like this guy, only to end up getting car-jacked yourself?

6. Don't start slapping around some guy three times your size. Especially when your crime seems to be going fine. This robber made exactly that mistake. If you watch the surveillance video, you see the employees complying with his robbery requests. So why, why, why, hit the big guy?

7. Take your own skills, or lack thereof, into account in your get-away plans. If you can't swim, for example, trying to swim for it is a poor choice. Better to get arrested than to end up dead.

8. Take your loot out of the immediate area of your crime. Robbing your neighbor's house and then setting the stuff out for a yard sale the very same day is just silly.

9. Choose your victim wisely. Undercover cops, for instance, a very poor choice for, say, robbery. But it isn't going to play hell with your street cred quite as much as being taken down during the course of a burglary by a lady wielding an ice scraper.

10. Choose your alias wisely. So, you have a couple of outstanding warrants for minor offenses and decide to give an alias to the cop who just pulled you over. Imagine how this plan will work out when it turns out the guy whose name you give turns out to be wanted for vehicular homicide.

11. If you actually make it onto America's Most Wanted for something like escaping from prison, don't go brag about it the local park. Shut up. Adopt a disguise, and thank your luck that nobody recognized you. Sure, fame is intoxicating, but it isn't really compatible with criminal enterprise. The whole key to remaining a fugitive is to maintain a very low profile.

12. Don't phone it in. Phoning a store and telling them you want to rob them, and requesting that they leave the money right outside the door probably won't work.

13. Arrange for child care. When you are setting out to do a little shop-lifting, it's best to leave your child with a responsible party. Running away is usually harder when hampered by a six-year-old child, and leaving the child behind doesn't work well either.

14. Remember to run away. While being friendly is a plus in some careers, it isn't always the best attribute for a criminal. Sticking around for a chat when the owner of the house you're burling arrives home is taking friendliness too far. Falling asleep at the scene of your burglary is also a bad idea.

15. Take into account the weaponry possessed by your opponent. If you are going to pull a weapon on someone it is wise to assume that the person may actually be armed as well. Your robbery victim might actually have a gun, and overlooking that fact doesn't behoove you. And taking a hammer to a gun fight is nearly always going to turn out badly, so think before you pull out a hammer while road raging. It can get you shot.