168 Hours with EHaromony

First, let me get something straight. There is nothing wrong with being single. I love being able to come into my personal space, disrobe at the door and sit in total silence if I choose. There are people who live lives so chaotic, they hide in their bathrooms with the water running just to have a few seconds of "me time".

No, being single in not a horrible existence. But, it's time for a change!

My life is on the upswing. After years of struggling, job seeking, bankruptcy, and financial discord, the planets are aligning as God seems to stand by saying, "I told you if you didn't faint . . ."

The fullness and prosperity that is flooding my life has come with the responsibility of networking. I have to be out in the public, socializing, giving presentations and introducing the community to my organization. Luckily I've been a social butterfly for many years. So walking up to total strangers, dignitaries, congressional figures and philanthropist is not a major challenge for me. I love this sort of stuff!

The part that is starting to get aggravating is me showing up to functions alone. Not to mention not having a more social way to decompress at the end of the day. I'm not a heavy drinker and would prefer not to become one. Coming home to a hug and a soft kiss on the forehead would be a far better start to coming down from the elation of a fully packed social schedule.

My epiphany came the other day while at the zoo for the Mayor's birthday party. Although others from my organization showed up and there were hundreds of people in attendance, I was the only person at this function alone. Even the primates looked like they were concerned for me.

So, what's a girl to do as a means of finding a companion? The club?

Hell no! I hated going to clubs in my 20's. I'm not trying to be the oldest sista up in the club looking like some deranged cougar seeking her next prey.

Church?

People act like they don't know the devil can go into a church. And folks, I've seen him there for myself.

Church to me is a place to go and get my soul fed. I don't need the singing. I'll buy the CD. I don't need the hell, fire, and brimstone screeching. I find all of that to be a distraction of the enemy as a means to keep people from knowing the truth. I need to get a lesson when I go to church without the club like distractions that seem to be popping up in the Lord's house. This is why I haven't been to church in months.

The grocery store . . . Home Depot . . . car wash?

Seriously? I still can't believe this works for anyone. I'm in these places all of the time and have had men all but knock me out of the way of what they were trying to get to. So, meeting someone while shopping is not the answer. But, I will give this bit of info to my brothers struggling on the other end of this spectrum.

You can meet more women near a shoe store than any other store on the planet (to include Victoria's Secret). Just say "Nice shoes." Don't try to understand us and our shoe issues. Just accept that some of us own more than 300 pair and that's how it's going to be. I never ask questions about football, baseball, basketball, crocket, or squash. Just know that shoes may be your way to her heart.

Technology dating? . . . Well, there's an environment I haven't tried in a while.

When I first moved to Texas I thought dating would be easy with all of these Southern gentlemen surrounding me. I just knew dating in the South had to be easier than dating in California.

I had romanticized in my head how I would be courted and romanced by a man who was raised by a mother who taught him how to treat a lady. A man who's father had given him an example of what a relationship was and the importance of loving himself as a gauge to knowing how to love his woman. -- Yes, there are black folks on the planet who subscribe to this methodology! -- Who knew "Back that Thang Up" would hit the radio airwaves that same summer.

I'm sure there are men of this caliber somewhere on this planet. But with the influence of music videos and women who are more ready, willing and able to drap it like it's hot; those of us suffering from GGS (Good Girl Syndrome) don't have a chance outside of a controlled environment.

My first time trying technology dating was when various radio stations set up dating lines. It seemed like a reasonable solution for those of us who are apparently challenged in this sport.

I signed up with two Dallas stations and made contact with four guys who seemed to have the same interests as me. The unfortunate part about technology dating is that it makes it easy for the person behind the phone line/email/IM/text to become whatever they think you want them to be.

The first guy I communicated with had a fantastic voice; baritone, sultry and dipping with compliments. I would have been sucked into his world if I hadn't grown up living the privileged life of a ghetto child. Bullshit is staple in the hood and if you've been around it enough its stench will seep through a phone line.

Now, understand. I had been a cop in the military. So phone line or chow line, I'm doing a background check. My skills were top notch long before "GIRLDONTDATEHIM.COM" came onto the scene.

I knew how to do a reverse on his phone number in order to get some basic information. Okay, I'm better than that. I had the joker's social security number by the end of the day and a list of questions for our next conversation. Questions like:

Is your sister's name Yolanda because she has lived with you for the past ten years and since she's only three years younger than you I'm going to assume she's not your mother.

Is your sister "Yolanda" a co-owner of the property in TarrantCounty where "Shelitha" lives with her three kids? I could only find your name listed on the deed.

Why you on so much medication?

Question like that require frank answers. Needless to say, I never heard from him again.

The second guy had the same MO; multiple addresseses, women's names on most of the utilities, and I think one had a warrant or two.

I thought all was lost with the phone dating until one guy consented to meet me. After three weeks of phone bonding we decided to meet at Dave and Buster's (where there arelots of witnesses) on a Friday evening. D & B is a great first date place; two bars if you drink, two areas to order food and many games to play as a couple.

I had given him a very honest description of myself (5'5, 170lbs, dark chocolate with curly hair). He also gave me an honest description of himself (5'0 . . .) I didn't wince at the height difference. My motto is, if I'm not the one I may know her. So I went to D & B to meet with this man whom I had numerous, hour long talks with over the course of three weeks knowing we were going to have a blast. After all, we had great chemistry on the phone. At the least we would become life long friends if romance wasn't in the air.

As I walked into D & B I noticed him immediately sitting at the bar. As I walked closer to him I also noticed his non-verbal. I swear, if he could have he would have screamed "Land Ho!" and would have thrown a harpoon at me.

The look of disgust on his face was undeniable! I walked toward him, still trying to make this evening something positive. "Hi _____. I'm Gail." He forced a smile and said, "Hey". He didn't offer me a seat, a drink or much conversation after that moment.

The only reason I saw this madness through was because I was taking a psychology class at that time and that particular week we had to write papers on social behavior. Other wise I would have done the sista spin on his ass, telling him to kiss it as I sauntered into one of the game rooms and had a good time by my damn self. Luckily the evening wasn't a total bust. Friends showed up for another event and I parted with this joker and had a fantastic evening with people who don't judge me based on my looks. Did I mention he was only five feet tall?

After the phone debacle's I decided to try Match.com. They were still fairly new and I had no idea what to expect. I didn't set the parameters correctly and made many international friends. Some were cordial and some were twisted.

I continued a long distance friendship with a guy in the UK named Peter. His mother finally hooked him up with someone from her church. I think he is now married and probably has kids. He truly was a gentleman and a good friend.

Fast forward to today and my dilemma with finding a mate.

There really is no sensible explanation for it. I have worked in male dominated environments my entire working life (military, police stations, factories, corporate America). I'm very approachable, joyous and a very kind person. Those are the same qualities I am looking for in a man.

I had seen the E Harmony commercials and was intrigued. I also knew of someone who utilized their service and had great success. I thought, "why not. Surely this had to be successful. They ask (at least it seems like) 10,000 questions! How could they not find me a match? Plus, if a person is paying for this service they have to be sincere, right?

I joined E Harmony on a Saturday. I was immediately matched with five men. Two seemed promising. The other three, not so much.

One guy was almost 60 - my age range was 35 to 45. Another one stated that he does not like to read. Not that he couldn't but it's not something he does often. That may be a potential issue seeing that my passion is writing. I would hope my man had enough of an interest in me to want to take a peek at my work.

Then there was Jethro! I'm not sure if someone told this man that wearing a straw hat and sitting on a bail of hay was cute. But it wasn't. It was actually really scary and I am still staring at Tyson Beckford's 1998 calendar to wash that imagine out of my head.

Yes, I started dialog with Jethro (anyway) and the two other guys who seem to be a match. I figured since it was the weekend I wouldn't hear from anyone. I was right.

Saturday, Sunday, Monday . . . finally a response Tuesday. One of the guys closed his dialog box to me.

Wednesday another guy had me answer some questions. I in turn had him answer some questions. Thursday, nothing. Friday, nothing. Saturday, nothing. Approximately 168hours after signing up for this service I was allowed a full refund for closing my account with E Harmony.

Now, I'm not saying it didn't work. I'm not saying it can't work. But damn, it takes that long in real world time for men to acknowledge me. So why am I going to pay for a service that's going to give me the same results I get on a daily basis.

Luckily I have a male friend (Chuck) who, when available, will help me with a pity date. He's a party animal and looks good in a suit.

I know there are other dating services. I looked at BlackPlanet (scary), revisited Match.com (lacking diversity), Chemistry (too many fricking questions - YES more than E Harmony) and have resolved that I must not faint in this arena either. God knows me better than I know myself and I'm counting on divine intervention with this. He'll have to be socially responsible, caring, giving, and able to conduct himself like a gentleman in public, and understand that what happens behind closed doors is what defines that smile on his face which confuses everyone he meets.

I'm not trying to rush divinity but I have to go to a dinner with some really influential people this Thursday . . . can ya help a sista out?