19 Ways to Make People Think You're Dumb

If you're reading this, you've either pretended to be dumb and you're looking for more tips, or you're scoffing, "nobody wants to be perceived as dumb; what a dumb article." Au contraire, my brainy little friends, millions of people practice dumbness every day, often achieving a level of perfection in stupidity they don't actually possess.

Being dumb isn't as easy as you might think, but it can be done, especially, if you're smart. I have witnessed many people pretend to be dumb over the years, and although some of them probably could have gotten on the waiting list for a brain transplant, many more of them could have been donors. I have even, on occasion, pretended to be dumb myself; just as an experiment in human behavior, of course.

It isn't, as you might imagine, only women who practice the art of inanity either. Men do it too and for some of the same reasons. Women want to attract the opposite sex by being perceived as helpless or avoid doing something unpleasant. Men want to attract the opposite sex by being perceived as less threatening or avoid doing something unpleasant. There are as many reasons people pretend to be dumb as there are people who pretend to be smart. Some people need the attention, some don't know any other way to ask for help, some find it an inexpensive way to entertain themselves, and some days some of us really are teetering on the edge of dull and disoriented.

Truthfully, we all want to be underestimated at one time or another. It gives us an advantage over the competition. Political campaigns are run on the assumption that all voters are dumb. And someone always gets elected. And don't most of us believe that the people who have power over us are dumb? Whether it's a boss, a teacher, a parent or our government leaders, our belief in their stupidity works to their advantage. How do you think they maintain that level of power?

From the way you look to the things you say and do, if you want people to think you're dumb, remember, first impressions count. The odor of intelligence is hard to eliminate once it's been detected, so you must be vigilant at all times.

First things first; if you have hair, dye it blond. Yes, I know, blonds aren't always dumb, but have you ever heard a dumb-bald or a dumb-auburn joke? Being blond just makes being dumb more believable. Trust me. I once saw a woman brushing her long hair while traveling about 60 mph in a topless, door-less jeep. Her hair color? Blond. I almost felt sorry for her. I have never, on the other hand, been able to work up much sympathy for Jessica Simpson, since it's much harder to feel sorry for someone who, mentally-challenged though she may be, can laugh all the way to the bank, no matter how many wrong turns she takes.

Secondly, watch your facial expressions. Open your eyes more widely and relax your jaw, tilting your head back just a bit. This is one of the easiest ways to convince others your lobotomy was successful.

Wear contact lenses if you need vision correction because, as I stated in 19 Ways to Make People Think you're Smart, wearing glasses will create a false impression of intelligence.

Run for office. There is no better way to convince people you're an idiot than to open yourself up to criticism and ridicule, granting them license to dig up every stupid thing you've ever said or done in your whole entire life, since the day you were born.

Creatively misuse the English language. In writing, double negatives are easy and effective, but perusing 90% of your emails will give you millions of grammatical and spelling errors for future use too. When speaking, use words you don't understand and can't pronounce. (Just make sure you do actually understand and have the ability to pronounce them, or you might slip up, use them correctly and forever lose the ability to convince people you're dim-witted.) If you're really ambitious, make up words of your own. Looking for inspiration? Try: http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blbushisms.htm

State the obvious on a regular basis. This takes little thought, but feel free to study the experts. People in politics and the entertainment business (or both at once) provide shining examples of stupidity every day, supplying you with hours of useful dialogue. (Example: Make a speech about yourself, state your name and say, "And I approved this message.")

Ask stupid questions. Yes, there is such a thing as a stupid question. Bill Engvall, if he happens to be around, will even give you a sign for asking one.

Watch reality television. Studies have shown that IQ drops one point for every hour of watching adults act like Ritalin-deprived four year olds.

Drink to excess. This is actually a last resort since drinking does kill brain cells and will eventually cause you to become stupid. On the other hand, it won't be necessary to pretend any more.

Practice the art of looking puzzled. Human nature dictates that we help the weaker and more uninformed, unless we are employees in a retail establishment. It also gives us an opportunity to feel superior. Example: When you have a flat tire, pull to the side of the road, put your hood up and peer under it with a puzzled expression. Nine times out of ten, someone will stop to help you. Especially if you're wearing a short skirt (sorry guys - this one probably won't work for you unless you have really nice legs.)

Develop poor memory skills. Thoughtlessness often goes hand in hand with dim-wittedness. Forget things like birthdays on a regular basis when you're smart, and others will just think you're mean. Forget things on a regular basis when you're dumb and people, more often than not, forgive you because they know you just can't help it.

Play a sport. Football and boxing are best, since you're more likely to be hit in the head multiple times, but any sport will do because if you've ever attended high school, you know you thought all the jocks needed somebody to tie their shoelaces before every game, even if they got straight A's in calculus.

Drive a gas hog. Yes, people may also think you're rich and self-centered, but, as an added bonus, they'll think you're an idiot too.

Tattoo, pierce or otherwise mutilate some visible part of your anatomy. People tend to believe that your brains have leaked out the additional, aberrant orifices.

Don't go to college. In spite of the evidence we've all seen to the contrary, the majority still cling to the theory that "intelligent" and "educated" are always synonymous.

Misunderstand simple concepts repeatedly. (In order to balance the stereotypical see-saw, you'll note the following suggestions work equally well for members of both sexes). "You meant boil the potatoes in water??" "So, 'dry-clean only' doesn't mean laundry detergent in the spin cycle??" "Oh, I get it, the bank is supposed to agree that I have the right amount of money in my checking account?" "You mean you can't make the windshield wipers stop squeaking by adding oil to the cleaning fluid thingy?" The possibilities are endless.

Giggle at inappropriate times, look bewildered when someone tells a good joke, and never ever smirk where people can see you. Only smart people smirk.

Don't wear a pocket protector.

Misspell your own name. This invites people to spell it for you, thereby subconsciously retaining it for a time when they have access to Google and nothing better to look up.

If you've read 19 Ways to Make People Think you're Smart and 19 Ways to Make People Think you're Dumb, you may have noticed something a little weird. It takes far more effort to convince people that you're dumb than it does to make them believe you're smart. That's because most people tend to be intimidated by intelligence, and avoid it, while feeling compelled to scrutinize stupidity more thoroughly. We are, after all, a nation of cynics.

Finally, if you've mastered the art of dumbness and harnessed the resultant power of pity, managing to convince the masses you're an idiot, congratulations. Just be careful not to overdo, or you may find yourself someday sitting in the Oval Office, wondering why the checkbook doesn't balance and giggling inconsolably....

Sincerely,
Linda Galock