20 Minute Indoor Workout for the Organizationally-Impaired

Sure, I've got my stationary bike (serving as a supplemental clothesline next to the washer and dryer), and my rowing machine (guarding against rabid dust bunnies under the bed), my yoga mat, and even the Wii Fit (great entertainment for the grandkids if they'd ever come visit) but when it comes to 20 minute indoor workouts, I've got the best routine, hands down: misplace something.

That's right; misplace something important that you really need for an urgent deadline. This happened to me this past year when I misplaced an entire bag of receipts needed for taxes. Yes, you read that right; a bag of receipts. What else are you going to do with a stack of them when you have people coming for dinner? They'd been cluttering the dining room table for weeks and obviously I needed to get them off the table. But I also wanted to keep them all together so I put rubber bands around them and shoved them in a plastic grocery sack. That grocery sack hung on the back of a kitchen chair for another few weeks until, again, we had company coming and I wanted to give the appearance of a neat, clean, and orderly house. So I did what every neat, clean, and orderly person does: I shoved them in such an unlikely hiding place that I remember thinking to myself, "I hope I remember where I'm putting these; this is probably the last place I'll look!"

Too bad I remember that thought but not the place. As the October 15^th deadline neared (you read that right - October 15^th - that was the end of the extension I'd filed for) I started looking for that plastic sack of deductions but horror of horrors, they were no longer hanging off the kitchen chair. Then I remembered having stashed them somewhere, but where? Thus began a 20 minute indoor workout that would put Iron Man training sessions to shame.

I hauled out boxes from under the guest bed and discovered the Christmas present for my husband that I'd misplaced last October but no bag o' tax receipts. Calories burned: 15. Muscle group(s) worked: glutes and abs.

Opening the closet in the guest room, I reached for the hat boxes on the top shelf and pulled them down. Grandma's feathery felt hat from the 40s: check. Gas receipts for those long business trips: absent. Calories burned: 10. Muscle group(s) worked: triceps and core.

The extra closet in the master bedroom held promise so I got down on hands and knees, did a few side leg lifts, and grabbed blindly toward the back of the closet floor for an unmarked box. A stack of unread newspapers was nestled within, along with a stack of phone messages, correspondence from the 90s, and expired coupons ($2 off Suzanne Somers' Thigh Master!) Alas, no bag of receipts but EEK! A big, black, hairy spider! Calories burned: 20. Muscle groups worked: all including that little muscle in the back of your neck that makes it difficult to turn your head without pain. Added bonus: an elevated heart rate and an aerobic workout backing out of the closet at lightning speed.

Another stretch of searching that included opening and closing cupboards and drawers (5 calories) looking under beds, chairs, and piles of other important papers (10 calories), and the obligatory head-scratching, teeth-gnashing, hair-pulling and self-flagellating that goes with having done something really stupid. Still, no tax receipts.

A brief spell of sitting quietly on the couch followed, as I contemplated what strange place I might have hidden them. Calories burned: 0. Muscle group(s) used: All facial ones. (Hey, they say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile; I figure I used them all.)

After 20 minutes of searching and conducting what in some circles might be considered an archaeological dig, and what other circles might consider power training, I had broken a sweat, 2 nails, and possibly my right pinky finger. I had also done squats, leg lifts, push-ups, sit-ups, worked my core, and done a stint of aerobics. Calories burned: 110. Muscle groups worked: all including ones I didn't think I still had. Results: more toned and refined muscles, a sleeker midriff, and the Federal 1040-EZ return. Who wants to itemize deductions anyway?