20 Signs You're in a Recession

Are you struggling to pay the rent? Credit card payment overdue? Still dodging collection agencies? Don't despair, we're all in the same boat, well except for politicians, Hollywood actors and TV celebs, that is. Apart from that privileged, stinking rich minority, the rest of us are drifting out to sea, slowly sinking, bailing out water with rusty buckets. If you resort to 'creative' measures to get by, that's okay, everyone else is lying, cheating and hustling too! That old cliche 'desperate times call for desperate measures' has never seemed so true. There's no such thing as shame any more folks. The good ole days are far behind us.

So here we go, you know it's a recession when:

20. You jump a freight train to get to work, then hitchhike home.

19. You start using Mc Donald's napkins as toilet paper.

18. You wait for sales at the Dollar Store.

17. You're competing with a former-CEO, a Harvard Law graduate and an investment banker for that janitor's job.

16. You break into hotels to steal free soap and shampoo - and while you're there you grab matching sets of towels to sell on E-bay.

15. You mix cat food with hamburger helper and the kids love it!

14. You spend your family outing at the plasma clinic 'see kids, free cookies!'

13. You bump into your bank manager while dumpster diving, and fight over a past-the-due-date loaf of bread.

12. For a career change, you start to seriously consider the world's oldest profession...

11. Every time you see your neighbor's dog you salivate.

10. A late model Mercedes with a Domino's pizza delivery sign cuts you off in traffic.

9. You sneak into fast food restaurants to stock up on condiments.

8. Your overdue library fees have gone to collections.

7. The only doctors you ever see are on episodes of 'Scrubs.'

6. You can't decide whether to sell your left or right kidney.

5. To save on funeral costs, you bury grandma in the backyard, and then report her missing.

4. The guy who stole your identity is begging you to take it back.

3. Your husband asks: "Do we really need both twins?"

2. The local drug dealer has a 'going out of business' sale - 50% off - Everything Must Go!'

1. Rich people are worried...

And if you're looking for work in these hard times, here's a list of the Top 10 Recession-proof jobs:

10. Sewage treatment workers - the crap keeps on coming!

9. Elected officials - scum always rises to the surface.

8. News anchors - somebody has to constantly ram the bad news down our throats - so do it with a million dollar smile!

7. Beans, Rice, and Ramen noodles production and/or distribution - try the recession diet!

6. Unemployment office - everyone else is getting laid off.

5. Street walkers - just be careful not to drift into your neighbor's patch!

4. Prison guards - at the over-populated, free bed and breakfast.

3. Burger flipping - now a highly competitive field.

2. Teachers - all kids deserve the best edukayshun.

1. And the all-time greats: Undertakers and IRS employees 'death and taxes!'

And it might not all be bad. If you ever find yourself about to jump off a bridge, and an angel called Clarence steps in to save you, you're either delusional or having a Wonderful Life!!

So why not just "always look on the bright side of life!"
"Worse things happen at sea you know... cheer up you old bugger!" (1)

(1) Monty Python, "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life," The Life of Brian.