20 Things that Do NOT Belong in Your Butt

Contrary to belief your butt is not just a chute through which waste matter exits your body. Your anal cavity is a sensitive and delicate pipeline that keeps the body clean and helps it protect itself. Here are 20 things that will most certainly cause considerable damage to your butt.

1. Gnutella. I know it's good stuff but thick sticky substances like gnutella and peanut butter are better off on bread than in your anus lest you wind up constipated.

2. Crest Whitening Toothpaste. Do not EVER put Crest, Aim, Colgate or any other kind of toothpaste in your derriere. It might make your anus smell minty fresh but it will also burn like hell.

3. Ziplock Baggies. In theory it sounds like it would make funny as hell balloons but things are not so simple as all that my friend. Please abstain from storing ziplock or any other kind of baggies in your booty.

4. Silver dollars. There are better ways to save money. You could open up a bank account at Bank of America for instance. Silver will make your butthole turn green anyway and NOBODY wants to see that.

5. Lighter Fluid. This is flammable you nincompoop and you are not a fire breather...or exhaler as the case would be.

6. Gerbils. Richard Geer learned this the hard way. Do not put gerbils, hampsters or any other small animal up your poop chute. That's just stupid.

7. G.I. Joes. G.I. Joe and G.I. Jane belong in Iraq as per George Bush's orders. Inserting military action figures is not only uncomfortable, it's sure to aggravate your patriotism.

8. Juicy Fruit. Gum will seriously clog you up. You won't poop for a month of Sundays. I high recommend you put the gum in your mouth instead.

9. Marbles. Although no one on Earth has any idea why marbles were created, we do know they were never intended to go in your butt.

10. Crayola Crayons. Coloring is such fun and melted hot wax can be fun but wax crayons are only fun if they are used to color with. They tend to lose their fun ratio when they get jabbed into orifices they don't belong in...such as your butt.

11. Sponge Lizards. You can all kinds of animals and objects made of sponge but you should never shove them where the sun doesn't shine. The moisture in your body will cause them to expand leaving your clogged up. Not to mention the material the sponge is made of will cause anal irritation, swelling and seepage.

12. Marlboro Ultra Lights. Actually you shouldn't put any kind of cigarettes up your butt. Your butt can't smoke so this is entirely unnecessary.

13. Pro-Active. Here's a clue, FACE cream belongs on your FACE not in your butt besides this pro-active advertisement on associated content's page is driving me crazy so I had to bring it up.

14. Your Computer Mouse. Now how are you going to click on this article? Dumb ass.

15. Any Body Part Belonging to Michael Jackson. Really, do I need to say more?

16. Cocaine. You can not get high through your butt hole. At least I don't think you can. If you could cock addicts would be shoving it up their butts by the buttload.

17. Your Cellphone. Cellphones might be annoying to carry sometimes but that doesn't mean shoving it up your katookus is a good idea. If you don't have any pockets buy a purse or a fanny pack or something.

18. Skittles or Starburst Candies. Do you remember what that article written about starburst candies was about? I don't either but I do remember that skittles and starburst candies don't go in my behind.

19. Toys Made in China. Don't you watch the news? Don't put ANYTHING made in china up your butt no matter how tempting. Only American Made toys should be crammed up the Hershey Highway.

20. Your AARP Card. You'll need that someday and you don't want to have to explain to your pharmacist why it has brown stains on it.