2006 in Review: The Biggest Jackasses

There have been so many jackasses this year that it's difficult to narrow it down to a list of just ten. I'm sure many of you will strongly disagree with some of my choices, or even find them inflammatory. So if you're easily offended, turn away now. However, if you're in the easily amused category, come on down and welcome to Jackassland!

10. Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and James Dobson: This trinity of gangstas for Christ has furthered the psychosis of the religious right more than anyone else in 2006. They further refined their own brand of accepted bigotry more during 2006 than at any other time, speaking out against gays, abortion, and evolution. Also I believe the chubby one made a list of world leaders that God wants assassinated. One has to dream that someday Christ will come and slap them all at the same time, while all the single mothers, gay people, Teletubbies, and Spongebob look on with delight. Why is it that these "men of God" are never seen out of their Armani suits, serving food to the poor or helping to build suitable housing for those who have lost their homes in this allegedly healthy economy? If the meek will truly inherit the earth, perhaps the meek should think of demoting the Jackasses For Jesus, removing their benefits, and donating their hand-stitched suits to make underwear for commando starlets.

9. Fox News: I'm sure Bill O'Reilly (Fox News "news analyst") would love nothing more than for you to think he got to the coveted position of international jackass on his own, but not so. All of Fox News is responsible for Bill's success as a boob. From Fox News security to the fair and balanced jackass pundits, we salute you Fox News, for promoting a new and sexier form of bigotry in America. You've shown us that it's perfectly acceptable to incorporate every possible form of ism in a "news" format. You're teaching our children that if you're not a christian, you're a terrorist and hate all soldiers, and are possibly even a gay democrat. Without Fox News, those children would have only anorexic slutty girls as role models. I've already ordered my "Fox News The Home Game" for my daughter. She wants to be a jackass when she grows up, and I know this will get her there. I'm proud to call Fox News one of the biggest jackasses of 2006.

8. Ann Coulter: Adding a little bony Hitlerian wisdom to our list, Ann Coulter has been pimping it jackass-style since early 2006, with the release of "Godless." Previously only a caffeine fueled, hate spewing annoyance, Annie rose to the ranks of one of the biggest jackasses of 2006 when she referred to the widows of men lost on 9/11 as "self-obsessed millionaires." There's no doubt about it, 2006 was the year of the greedy misinformed gun-toting chain-smoking jackass known as Ann Coulter. After all, she is the Bastard Child of 1000 Nascar Fans.

7. PariNicBritLind HiltRichSpearHan: This list has been difficult to compile, because most of the biggest jackasses of 2006 are just a given. Case in point, the power circle of Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan. I've listed them all as one entry because, well, they're just one big power skank. Also, as a mother, I really can't think of better role models for my 7 year old-if I want her to be a pantieless anorexic drug addled peabrain who values gigantic sunglasses from "Hart to Hart" more than her own life, that is. Rehab is the new Harvard, don'tcha know? Here's to you "ladies", for being one of the biggest jackasses of 2006.

6. Mel Gibson: Another surprise for our list of the biggest jackasses of 2006. I could add seperate entries for Michael Richards, and even Damon Wayans, but I wanted to honor Mel Gibson for being one of the biggest trailblazing jackasses of 2006. I want to make fun of him, I really do, but it's just too sad. He shames us all, not just for his remarks, but for not taking full responsibility for his heartbreaking stupidity. After all, if you're going to be a jackass, just own it, you may make alot of lists.

5. Ronald Dumbsfeld: Yes, I do have a flair for the obvious, and thank you for noticing. It's fitting that we pay tribute to Ronald, one of the biggest jackasses of 2006, as he steps gracefully into the twilight of his tenure as Secretary of Offense. Oh Ronald, how we'll miss the twinkle in your eye, the tremor of your hands, as you describe exactly how we should "win" in Iraq. Who will we look to now, to tell us who the heretics and traitors are? Who will remind us that to question our president is to question Jesus' handpicked special olympian of politics? Without you, Ronald, using September 11th as a reason for everything just won't be the same anymore. Our prayer for you now is that you wear the cloak of jackassiness with pride and valor, knowing you were one of the biggest.

4. Some Paranoid Teacher-La Vega Independant School District, Waco, Texas: In November, 2006, in Waco, Texas, a father got a letter from the school his 4-year old son attended which stated the little boy was being suspended from school for "inappropriately touching" a teacher. The letter from La Vega Independant School district stated that a teacher had complained of sexual harassment, due to the fact that the aforementioned tot had hugged her and rubbed his face in her chest. And so, the biggest anonymous jackass of 2006 was thrust into infamy. Ma'am, have you considered the poor thing might have been hungry? If he was old enough to articulate properly, I'm sure he would be suing you for being far too well endowed to be teaching freshly weaned toddlers. No list of the biggest jackasses of 2006 would be complete without you.

3. David Blaine: What a year he has had, the neediest magician in history (and one of the biggest jackasses of 2006). What ever happened to just levitating in front of the Dallas Cowboys? Perhaps he is an attention addict, who is constantly in need of a bigger fix, yet isn't talented enough to score. On May 1, 2006, he spent 7 days and 7 nights inside a water-filled sphere in New York City. Then, while trying to break the world record for underwater breath holding, he passed out, after which he was unable to free himself from handcuffs. Our favorite nutty jackass rallied however, after being pulled from his sphere, insisting that he had broken some sort of record for staying in water for 7 days. That too failed, when noone could/would confirm any record was broken, except the one for the biggest underwater bladder-control-challenged jackass of 2006. Take heart, however. Blaine was recently lauded for spinning on a gyroscope for two days, weee!

2. All Republicans: From the morally upstanding Dennis Hastert and Mark Foley, to the millions of us who are still blindly goosestepping to the dangerous rhetoric of George and Condeepoo, it's the year of the republican fascist groupthink jackass. If you are still a republican in this most insanely obvious backslide era, you deserve to be put on an island where the Bush family is allowed to reign for all eternity. You deserve to run in from the surf after fishing with your teeth all day, to be told by a squinty-eyed manboy that you are winning the war on hunger. Oh, and by the way, if you're still a republican, you hate the environment. And that means you hate nature, which means you hate the land, which the troops have to fight on, which means you hate the troops, which means you are patently unamerican. So there. if you're a republican, you're one of the biggest jackasses of 2006.

1. Laura Bush: Not only is she the worst of the biggest jackasses of 2006, she's the biggest jackass since her husband got elected. From 9/11 (her husband's biggest career advancement opportunity) to Hurricane Katrina, to the many natural and unnatural disasters of 2006, our first lady has continually stood stone-faced, in all her De La Renta Stepford glory, beside her husband. She has walked among families who have lost everything, and never unplastered the smirk off her face. Rumors abound that she had tear duct cancer and subsequently cannot show emotion, but we know the truth. She is a robot for the enemy. One of the few living souls who could have made a difference between life and death this year, who could have insisted her husband not be so stubborn that it costs more lives, she chose to stand there and look pretty (ish). For that, she deserves to be hailed as one of the biggest jackasses of 2006, or any year, for that matter. Shame on you, Mrs. Bush. You sit at the right hand of the leader of the free world, recklessly careening off-course again and again, yet have nothing to offer those who would look to you for comfort. All this, and you absolutely refuse to take responsibility for the fact that you've ruined millions of male fantasies involving librarians.

There you have it, the biggest jackasses of 2006. The author of this list is not responsible for hurt feelings, so suck it up, jackasses!