2008 Baseball Predictions You Won't Hear Anywhere Else

Let's gaze into my crystal ball and see what we have to look forward to this season...

April

ESPN announces that it will no longer televise any game that does not involve both the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox. The decision was an easy one according to network president George Bodenheimer. "We simply don't give a rat's ass about any other teams. End of story."

In a never-ending effort to better clarify their identity, the Angels request that they heretofore be officially referred to as The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California, United States of America, Western Hemisphere, Planet Earth.

President Bush arrives at RFK Stadium to throw out the first pitch for the Nationals home opener only to discover that the game is actually being played at their brand new ballpark. Too embarrassed to admit his mistake, the President later insists to reporters that he was at the right ballpark and that everyone else was wrong.

Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella undergoes major tongue surgery after falling into a 32-minute stammer while trying to say "Kosuke Fukudome."

Cincinnati Reds outfielder Ken Griffey, Jr. is placed on the disabled list after violently hiccupping and falling down the dugout steps.

May

During a heated White Sox-Red Sox game at Fenway Park in which Boston's Manny Ramirez and Chicago's Ozzie Guillen nearly come to blows over a brush-back pitch, the words, "It's just Manny being Manny" are spoken by the Red Sox broadcast team at the precise moment the phrase, "It's just Ozzie being Ozzie" is uttered by the White Sox announcers. This collision of idiots being idiots causes a drastic change in barometric pressure resulting in a major snowstorm that brings the entire Northeastern section of the U.S. to its knees.

The baseball world is turned upside down when, in his latest book Juiced II: Other Crazy Things I Did that Will Turn the Baseball World Upside Down, Jose Canseco claims that he injected more than just steroids into some of his former teammates. Wanting to set the record straight concerning rumors of his own involvement in the sordid affair, Mark McGwire immediately responds with, "I'm not here to talk about the past."

The same day Ken Griffey, Jr. comes off the disabled list, he goes back on it when he accidentally falls off the clubhouse toilet and severely sprains his left wrist.

June

Despite having been named as a steroids user in the Mitchell Report, Roger Clemens announces that he will pitch 15 innings as a member of the Yankees (provided they don't interfere with his personal life) for the bargain price of $10.5 million. Upon hearing the dramatic news, the head of Yankees radio broadcaster Suzyn Waldman literally explodes into tiny pieces.

Coincidentally, The San Francisco Giants announce that they have signed Debbie Clemens to replace Barry Bonds as their starting left fielder. "I just can't get over how buff she looks!" says a beaming Giants GM Brian Sabean.

Due to an utter lack of interest by virtually everyone in the entire state of Florida, an interleague series scheduled between the Florida Marlins and the Tampa Bay Rays is mercifully cancelled. Responding to questions about the sorry state of the National Pastime in the Sunshine State, a befuddled Commissioner Bud Selig asks, "Are you telling me we have teams in Florida?"

July

In an effort to make the All Star game more competitive, Bud Selig announces that going forward members of the winning team will be exempt from random drug testing for the remainder of the season. The commissioner's plan seems to do the trick as the two teams battle back-and-forth in a 26-inning, 5-hour marathon before the NL finally comes out on top.

During a nationally televised game, FOX baseball analyst Tim McCarver tells viewers hanging on his every word that "in order to win, you have to score more runs than the other team." Later, he backs up that statement with, "You can't win unless you outscore your opponent."

Just ten days off the disabled list, Ken Griffey, Jr. breaks his thumb while high-fiving Adam Dunn after a home run.

August

In an unprecedented move, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner fires Dodgers manager Joe Torre thus causing a crack in the space-time continuum.

Just for laughs, management of the Kansas City Royals and Pittsburgh Pirates decide to swap their entire teams without telling anyone. Nobody notices.

Commissioner Bud Selig confirms that he has finally gotten around to reading the Mitchell Report and that "I can't for the life of me remember who this Mitchell guy is and why the hell we asked him to make a report. It's good though. Nicely written. Fella did a nice job."

September

St. Louis first baseman Albert Pujols is placed on the disabled list due to a terrible case of hemorrhoids. The problem eventually results in surgery on Albert's pooh hole. (Author's note: Yeah, I know it's a cheap, tasteless joke, but when you have a guy whose name is pronounced pooh-holes, you just gotta jump on it.)

Commissioner Bud Selig announces that he will be present when Barry Bonds hits his 800^th career home run, but will not stand and applaud. When informed that Bonds is no longer playing in the major leagues, the Commissioner responds, "Oh good. Then I guess I don't have to worry about that crap."

While on the disabled list, Ken Griffey, Jr. accidentally strangles himself on the mouse cord of his home computer.

October

And finally, after 100 years of dismal failure, the Chicago Cubs win the World Series. Hell, if I'm making up crap, I might as well go all the way!