2008 Presidential Race: Presidential Candidates 2008 for Dummies

I'm not sure why it has to start so early, the fundraisers, the press releases, the guest spots on various *news* programs. America is still either cringing or giddy over the midterms, and now we have to deal with all this kind of drama. When Politicians are making *Public* statements, they are ALWAYS censored and vague. It's all about the mystery, I guess.

I have taken it upon myself to score the REAL intent of the latest crop of hopefuls, because I love you, you see. I promise to be Bipartisan, and to make fun of everyone EQUALLY.

Ok, according to most (somewhat credible) sources, the front runner in the big race is Hillary. Hillary is a smart cookie, she brought the shitstorm mess of US Healthcare to the attention of our great Nation back in the 90's, and should get credit for that. She spent 8 years married to the President, so I'm assuming she knows a thing or two about what the job entails. So, having said that, on to making fun of her. "There cannot be true democracy unless women's voices are heard." - Hillary Clinton. Ok, I'm a woman, I agree with that, score one for Hil. "In the Bible it says they asked Jesus how many times you should forgive, and he said 70 times 7. Well, I want you all to know that I'm keeping a chart." - Hillary Clinton. I don't know what that shit means, and quite frankly, I'm frightened. On March 29, 2005, Clinton called the popular video game Grand Theft Auto a "major threat" to morality. Ok, it's this kind of thing that irks me. Everything that is going on in our country and on our PLANET, this chick is all mad about a video game. I don't think Senators should be playing video games, I think they should be like, making laws or something.

On the Right side of the aisle, the projected Big Man would be former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani. I kind of like this guy, he seems like he has a *no bullshit tolerance rule*, and plus he thinks it's fun to dress up like a girl, that's a quality I like in my Republicans. Here's the problem with Rudy...he was married to his second cousin. he's from NY, not the bayou, and this is an issue that I feel should not be made light of. Marrying your own cousin is not only creepy, in most states it is against the law. In his defense he did not breed with his second cousin, but still it's just wrong all around. I have a second cousin or two, and that's some shit that is just OFF LIMITS, yo.

Back to the hippies. Barack Hussein Obama. I hold a personal grudge against Sen. Obama for not adding me to his Top 8 on MySpace, but I'll try to keep that shit out of this. Ok, I understand he's the new Golden Boy for *change*. Awesome. Change is good. But in many ways, he has misrepresented his hot self, and misrepresentation of intentions is what got the USA in our current *situation*. Let me explain. My BFF Sean, is a gay black man. In the minority of minorities, his opinion of the Barack is that he will turn the USA into a liberal hippie haven where gays and blacks will be exalted like Angelina Jolie. So I say to my BFF, you know he's against gay marriage, right? Sean says BULLSHIT! All the gays agree, Barack will stop the *gay marriage* drama, and we will be free to live our lives as families. I say, go Google it, and tell your friends. How did Sen. Obama trick ALL the gays into believing that he's FOR Gay Marriage? He's not, he's said it, out loud many times. As far as tricking an entire demographic, Dubya has been there, done that with the Evangelicals, we've seen it already, and it's boring. He needs a new *hook*.

Ok, on to Freak Central. Mitt Romney. Oh, where to start. let's go with the obvious. Mormons are SCARY. Always smiling, being all nice to everyone, WTF is up with that? Mormons have some really bizarre beliefs. Mormons believe that Joseph Smith, whoever the fuck that is, found some writings that explained all kinds of (wrong) things. Mormons believe that Adam and Eve lived in Jackson County, Missouri. As a lifetime Missourian who has BEEN to Jackson County, I can assure you all that Adam and Eve would have been way too bored to even think about eating evil fruit. They would have been busy picking lice off one another and speaking incorrect English ALL DAY LONG. Mormons are batshit and we CANNOT have that shit in the White House.

John Edwards. I really like John Edwards, I will have a hard time being cruel to him. But he is a faggot, and I know this because the always ladylike Ann Coulter said he was. Seeing as how Ann Coulter IS a former gay man, and a post-op tranny, my guess is that her gaydar is right on. John Edwards does ALOT of research on poverty in the USA, and many of us hippies believe that poverty among Americans is a major issue and I'm thrilled that someone is devoting much needed time and effort to addressing it. For the record, I am 100% ok with a faggot US President.

Mike Huckabee. I assume that I have made it somewhat obvious what my socio-political persuasions are in this boring article. But I have to say I kind of like this guy. Mild speech impediment aside, I think that he appears to be a person that lives the way he claims to live. "I liked gravy poured on top of a big glob of mashed potatoes, I liked biscuits a lot, and a lot of them. I liked going to the state fair and having a fried Twinkie. They were my choices. They were bad choices." - Mike Huckabee. Yeah, uhhh...I don't know what that shit is about, but it sounds pretty cool to me. "It makes more sense to treat people with a drug problem rather than simply incarcerating them and putting them in a place where their problems are not dealt with," Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee. This statement alone almost makes me want to vote for a Baptist Minister. If my vote weren't already *taken*, I would consider Governor *Lisp* as a valid contender. Too many marijuana possessors in prison. Potheads aren't the problem, potheads learning to make and sell other drugs in prison is the problem.

JOE BIDEN. This is my dude. Joe Biden is a bad-ass. I know there's almost no chance that an old white man will take this election down, but I am forever his bitch. I LOVE Joe Biden. Although he did not add me to his Top 8 on MySpace, I have no ill will simply for the fact that he is the ONLY Politician, on either side, that has had any kind of plan for Iraq that makes any fucking sense at all. There is a centuries old civil war going on, and we need to leave that shit alone. Let Iraq be 3 different countries, it was that way before we got there. Ok, now on to making fun of him, which will not be easy for me. Senator Biden yells alot. He also has a tendency to pull the occasional *Don Imus*, ex. "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy," Biden said. "I mean, that's a storybook, man." Uhhh....wtf dude. I know, I know, he didn't mean it THAT way, but he still said it THAT way. Give the guy a break, he's from Vermont. I'm not sure if most Vermont natives have ever seen an African American in real life, so perhaps they aren't aware that the *blacks* generally practice the same hygienic standards as, well, uhhh...*the rest of us*??? Wow, I guess he really messed that one up.

*GOOKS*. John McCain announced his candidacy today. Now, if you believe Karl *Hitler is my IDOL* Rove, John McCain had an illegitimate child with a black prostitute. The truth of that *situation* is that John McCain adopted a beautiful baby girl with the help of MOTHER TERESA. This is absolutely true. So, I'm cool with dude for that, because I love black people, and I also love anyone that is willing to commit to actually SAVING starving babies in this way. I do not like John McCain because of this quote..."We're in a crucial time in our history, ... I think that I will do everything in my power to work with the secretary of defense. His continuance - or non-continuance in office - is up to the president. And I'll support the president." Homey needs to wake up, if he supports Dubya, he needs to understand that his only comrades are Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh. (And post-op tranny Ann Coulter). As with everything these days, it's about ratings. Bush has no ratings, everyone hates him. One who supports Bush is one who supports Dick *I Eat Live Puppies* Cheney, and that's just not cool. Also, he has no stance on the RAPING of America and the Third World by evil Corporations. It's a love/hate thing with this guy. Certainly if I were kidnapped and tortured by a certain ethnic persuasion, I suppose I might make some racial slurs about those people, I don't judge. This one time a Mexican called me a *bitch*, so now I believe ALL Mexicans think I'm a bitch. I'm with him on the *Gook* thing. Not on the Bush thing.

Ok, so far these are the only viable potential candidates. I'm sure a few more will pop up, and I'm sure a few will withdraw. At this point, it doesn't really matter, anyone who would voluntarily adopt this holy ass mess as their problem is massively disturbed in my opinion. (Not that my opinion matters.) When you go to vote for the President of the United States of America in 2008, I maintain that you should just get drunk and let Jose Cuervo make the decision. (Or Jim Beam, both are equally qualified in my book.)