2009 Ant Holiday Travel Guide for Some Guy's Desk

With Thanksgiving having already past and Christmas on the horizon, ants throughout northeast Pennsylvania are all twitching their antennae in a frantic attempt to decide on their next sight-seeing tour. Many colonies are tiring of the usual excursions to trash-cans, discarded bottles of non-diet soda, and the remains of a large animal that wasa hit by a car. It's for those colonies that the Top Five Attractions on Some Guy's Desk may benefit most.

Empty container of Atkins Advantage "Milk Chocolate Delight Shake"

We don't know what an Atkins is or what advantage is offered by a suspiciously paper-like drink container, but the promise of milk chocolate should set any ant colony scurrying with excitement. Located next to scenic TV remote, this travel hot-spot has several promising attractions: Being mostly-empty and therefore not being paid attention to, the promise of chocolate, and having its most delicious contents on its shadowy interior and away from the prying eyes of the large short-tempered human nearby.

Be warned of some potential pitfalls. For one thing, it's worth repeating that humans have been - for lack of a better word - screwing with us for years. Overturned soda containers, which used to be literal oceans of sugar-water, are increasingly turning out to be uninteresting chemical compounds that even the hungriest larvae has no interest in. There's a good possibility that this is a similar bait and switch, with the so-called "chocolate" turning out to be Useless Chemical and water. Both of these things are available in abundance outside, where there's markedly less risk of being crushed by a titan.

Curious-looking desk stains

Stains are a constant attraction to our people, particularly on a surface where humans routinely place their hands. While many times these stains are unfortunately inedible, many times they turn out to be the remains of spilled meals and drinks - a veritable buffet for the ever-expanding colony. While some of these stains are reported to look more like smudges of ink or deceptive gouges from heavy appliances, others look suspiciously coffee-related - and coffee is the one thing that precious, delicious sugar has been finding its ways into with greater frequency these past few years.

One word of warning here: For those ants with an aversion to poetic deaths, be warned that some of these stains may, in fact, be that of squished ants.

Unusual Pieces of Laminated Paper and Styrofoam

Ah, laminated paper and styrofoam. Humanity's neon "GOOD EATS" sign. While inevitably several of these tend to be uninteresting receipts and bills, every colony knows that these materials increasingly play host to hamburgers, french-fries, donuts and more. We estimate that fully fifty percent of all paper and styrofoam containers have edibles inside, and the fact that mathematics is a mystery to ants should impact this judgment only slightly. Even papers not strictly devoted to the holding of food may nevertheless be blessed with food stains and fingerprints, so these attractions should be of particular interest to the more rugged and adventurous worker ants.

As ever, be advised that the stickier the paper, the most hazardous it may be - no matter how tasty or attractive the goo itself may be. If you can't get out once you get in, it's of no use to either you or the colony!

To all of our insectoid readers, we wish you a Happy and Safe Holiday Season.