2009 New Year's Resolutions for Jay Leno

10. Make sure Kevin Eubanks joins me on The Jay Leno Show. After all, who else can I make my virginity jokes to?

9. Try to stretch the monologue to 15 minutes and then maybe 20 because we all know that on my show, it's all downhill after that.

8. Make sure that when I move to 10pm, the lead-ins are half-decent, unlike this year when you had garbage like Knight Rider. What's next, Alf: The Next Generation?

7. Grab as much stuff as I can from the studio right before I leave so I can sell it on eBay.

6. Start writing jokes now for the first time I get trounced by CSI.

5. Get that hair in the front of my head to finally turn gray so I no longer have the skunk look.

4. Book all the good guests, so that Conan is stuck with the D-listers.

3. Keep saying things such as I like Letterman, Dave is a good guy, we have a friendly competition, so that he looks like an idiot when he tries to start a spat.

2. Keep George W. Bush in the spotlight because I can't make Obama-is-stupid jokes yet.

1. Have my people book a guest shortly after his arrest so I can have another Hugh Grant what-the-hell-were-you-thinking moment.