2009 New Years Resolutions for Shaquille O'Neal

Since shooting free throws the convention way has been so difficult and his percentage has been around 50% for over 10 years now, develop a new technique. Yell out "Kazaam," turn around 180 degrees, and shoot it backwards while standing on one foot.

Alternatively, when fouled on a successful shot, instead of trying to gently throw the ball in with a light touch, Shaq can embrace his amazing strength and muscle power and just throw it like a pitcher as hard as he can towards the backboard. A teammate will run to get the rebound.

Resolution #2: Go back to LSU part-time and get a Ph.D. in philosophy

Shaq once said "I'd like to be known as the Big Aristotle." Well, if he wants this he should solidify it by going back to LSU in Baton Rouge, just once a week, to obtain a Ph.D. He probably wouldn't need to worry too much about defending his thesis and all that. Those thin, pale, and bifocal-wearing philosophy professors won't stand a chance. With his trademark smile he'll get that degree in no time. By getting the official Ph.D. Shaq would lend a lot of credibility to his wise and novel answers during press conferences.

Resolution #3: Stop trying to lose weight

Instead, gain as much weight as possible. Forget the trainers and team rules. It's not worth all that trouble to shave those pounds. By taking up lots of space in the paint, Shaq can start using not just the vertical advantage, but also horizontal advantage. Teammates can use him as a jumping aid and set very effective picks with all the added area. Shorter players can piggy-back on him to get easy buckets.

Resolution #4: Don't even try playing defense

By the time Shaq runs all the way up court for defense, the ball's already going back the other way. Let's face it, it is pretty hard for a guy of Shaq's size and age to keep up with players that are 23 and half his size. He can save the energy and just hang around his side of the court, chatting with famous courtside ticket holders and taking pictures with fans.

Resolution #5: Develop a new car brand called Shazaam

A giant like Shaq needs a customized new car. Build a huge new SUV that would make the Escalade look like a toy for wussies. Put custom rims made of circular LCD screens on it.

Resolution #6: Get even with Dwight Howard for stealing 'Superman' idea

Dwight donned a Superman outfit and won the dunk contest last year. Shaq must not let that kind of effrontery slide. Everyone knows Shaq is the original Superman. So just wear a real Superman outfit(not that fake little outfit Dwight had on last year) to the next match against the Magic and give Howard a few innocent hip checks.

Resolution #7: Make peace with Kobe in style

Kobe really does need your help, Shaq, and you obviously need him, in order to win another ring. Pretend that the harsh words and enmity was all a joke, and co-sponsor a big charity event that benefits kids with leukemia or the Salvation Army or something like that. Wear a t-shirt that says "Kobe 4 MVP!" on the front and "We love Kobe!" on the back.

Resolution #8: Make more movies

Come out with "Kazaam Returns", or maybe "Shaqzilla the Thrilla." Who cares if it's just the same old repackaged storyline. The fans will always buy it and it will at least be comical.

Resolution #9: Create a "Shaq Attack" energy drink

Join the competitive and lucrative energy drink market with a new, powerful energy drink that will claim to give you a Shaq-like growth spurt and has a small speaker attached with Shaq's roar coming out when you open the can. Also has a big picture of Shaq all over it, smiling in his Shazaam XLE.

Resolution #10: Stop rapping and do stand-up

This one is seriously an important task. It will greatly improve the PR image too. Avoid getting into trouble with other players and some concerned parents; stop clubbing and instead become a late-night comedian. Donate proceeds to one of your charity groups. You'll sell out every night Shaq.