2009 New Year's Resolutions for Stepmothers: A Top 10 List

The role of a stepmother is quite unique, and one who has never assumed such a role is not likely to have a full understanding of the complexity that goes along with it. If you are a stepmother who has just about run out of steam, you may simply need a little psychological refueling. One of the ways in which you can accomplish this is by making some important resolutions and sticking with them throughout the upcoming year and beyond.

Resolution #1: Clean House

People who speak negatively to you about your role as a stepmother are not worthy of occupying your mental space. While you may not be able to literally get rid of certain people - especially if they are family members or coworkers - you can clean house by refusing to entertain any questions or negative comments from them about your stepchildren, their mother, your husband, or you. If they come at you with negative statements, try stating: "My mental space is all booked up this year with positive thoughts. I don't have any room available for negativity!"

Resolution #2: Put Away Your Toolkit

Wouldn't it be lovely if you could fix all of the hurt, guilt, anger, resentment or feelings of entitlement that seem to fester in your blended family life? Unfortunately, you can't! This task is beyond your capabilities - not because there is anything inherently wrong with you, but because it is simply beyond your control. You cannot make up for another parent's past mistakes or shortcomings, and any attempts at doing so will at best, leave you feeling drained and unappreciated. If you sense that things are out of control, you can suggest family counseling to your husband, but by all means, do not try to fix the situation yourself.

Resolution #3: Identify a Trustworthy Confidante

Because a stepmother's journey is one that not everyone can relate to, it is important for you to have at least one person to confide in (other than your husband or a family member). Internet support groups can be helpful, but there may be times when you really want to talk over a cup of coffee or pick up the phone and speak to someone who knows you well and cares about your individual situation. Think about the people in your life; who among them would be the best, most trustworthy person to serve as your confidante? This person should be a great listener, avoid passing judgment and be able to support you without swaying you in a particular direction.

Resolution #4: Don't Use "Mommy" as a Measuring Stick

No matter how much you love your stepchildren and want to be significant in their lives, you will never occupy the same space in their hearts as their biological mother. Regardless of your personal opinion of her, your stepchildren love their mother unconditionally and will glorify her to you and anyone else who will listen - especially if they are too young (or immature) to view her in a more objective light. Their love for her, however, does not take away from your own value. Even if your stepchildren appear to focus more on your flaws while they focus only on their mother's strengths, there is no comparison between the two of you. You both play a special and unique role in their lives and neither of your shoes can ever be filled by the other.

Resolution #5: Suggest a New Family Tradition or Ritual

It is perfectly normal for a stepchild to relish memories of past times shared with their birthparents. You can help to create a new set of memories though, by suggesting a new family tradition or ritual that you can be a part of. Whether it's a weekly Movie Night, decorating the house together each major holiday, participating in a community service project every Thanksgiving or Christmas holiday, or finding a favorite restaurant to eat at once a month, you can use your creativity and enthusiasm to help bring it to fruition. Don't get discouraged or take it personal if your stepchildren are not thrilled at first. With a little patience, in time you may see that your idea has become a big hit.

Resolution #6: Avoid Competing with Your Hubby

Your husband is your life partner, not your opponent. Don't battle with him for the "Parent of the Year Award"; no matter how phenomenal you are as a stepmother, you'll never win! Like your stepchildren's mother, their father occupies a special place in their hearts and you can't win their love or admiration by trying to outdo him in the parenting department. There are things they seek from him, such a love, acceptance, quality time and approval - that they may or may not desire from you. While it's natural to feel a twinge of jealousy, don't allow it to consume you.

Resolution #7: Let Go of Grudges

Did your stepchild, their mother or your husband say something overly critical or insensitive to you that hurt your feelings? Were you unjustly accused of a wrongdoing? Does someone insist on making you the bad guy when in fact, you are trying your very best? It would be so easy to hold a grudge, but all that does is weigh you down psychologically and thwart your own growth, peace and happiness. You are bigger than anyone's opinion of you, and sometimes - in the heat of the moment - people say things that they either don't mean or later regret. Rather than wait for an apology, simply let go. Letting go of a grudge not only relieves the other person of guilt and shows the kind of character that you have, but it also frees you of negativity that you simply cannot afford to have in your life.

Resolution #8: Indulge in Periodic Self-Pampering

A visit to the spa, new haircut, evening out with your girlfriends or pedicure may be just what you need to feel refreshed. This year, make it a point to avoid self neglect. If you don't take care of yourself, who else will? Relying solely on your husband for this - even if he's a pampering kind of man - is both unfair to him and unrealistic. Periodically take time out to engage in activities apart from your family life that bring you pleasure. Not only can these activities help to take your mind off of stressful situations, but you may develop a more positive outlook in the process.

Resolution #9: Befriend an Adult Stepchild

You may cross paths this year with adult stepchild who has come to appreciate their stepmother for all that she has brought to their life. Embrace that person. Ask questions, listen thoughtfully, and learn from them. You may find that as they grew older and more mature, they came to see how much of a blessing their stepmother was. This may be just what you need to hang on and persevere.

Resolution #10: Redefine Success

Birthparents often gauge the success of their parenting by "how well" their children turned out, how much they are credited with being great parents and how close their children are to them. But what about stepparents? As a stepmother, you may or may not receive credit this year or at any point in the future for anything positive that you have contributed. You may not be the parent that your stepchildren call on when they want to share a success story, get advice, or when they simply need a shoulder to cry on. Does this mean however that you are unsuccessful as a stepparent? Absolutely not!

This year, define for yourself what it means to be a successful stepparent. What kind of stepparent would you want to have if you were in their shoes? Are you there for your stepchildren's special moments, victories and defeats? Do you listen to them? Are you dependable? Are you loving? Are you consistent? If no one ever tells you what a great job you've done, you have to know within your heart that you are doing the best you can and quietly give yourself credit for a job well done.