2010 New Year's Resolutions for Kim Kardashian

Socialite, celebutante and all round media diva, Kim Kardashian had a boffo 2009. How can Kim top a year that saw her with a minor roll in Deep in the Valley, the story of two schlubs teleported to a pornographic world and a spread in the February 2009 Russian edition of Playboy? Here are ten New Year's resolutions to help Kim Kardashian make that leap from novelty to slightly more interesting novelty.

1. Star in a movie released in actual theaters. Disaster Movie technically was movie, but this movie was so painful to watch the popcorn was laced with propofol. Thank you, Dr. Conrad Murray! I hear Paul Verhoeven needs some juice. Dial him up. Showgirls 2: Electric Boogaloo. Get story credit.

2. Fulfill Bond Girl dream. Call up Valley of the Deep co-star Denise Richards and ask who she slept with to land the role of Dr. Christmas Jones in The World Is Not Enough. If she can play a nuclear physicist then truly anything is possible.

3. Sign a serious endorsement deal. Meet with Merck Pharmaceuticals and endorse a product that reverses damage done to the intestinal track by abuse of QuickTrim Diet Cleanse Formula. This one might have to wait until 2011 since it hasn't been invented yet, but dare to dream.

4. Figure out why Bruce Jenner is famous for Can't Stop the Music. You don't have to actually watch it; that's what assistants are for. Have assistant or stylist rent and send coverage. Follow-up, find out who the Village People are.

5. Have lips Martinized. God only knows where those things have been.

6. Help Kourtney find a new man. People love it when celebrities give to charity and charity begins at home. Scott Disick has to go. He's skeevy. Even Khloe can see that. Consider introducing Kourt to K-Fed.

7. Forget Reggie Bush. It was a good idea in 2007 when he was still full of promise, but let's face it; it's a washout. Injuries and Drew Brees have stolen his thunder. If you want to get publicity but don't want to actually spend much time with your boyfriend, hook up with Spanish hottie Rafeal Nadal.

8. Take D-A-S-H to the next level. A cute little boutique in LA and Miami is fine, but if you want to make it big you've got to expand. Go global. Consider Spain (see #8). They have nude beaches and an "accidentally" leaked photograph or two wouldn't hurt sales.

9. Kiss a girl. This one only has a few years left in it until it's truly passé. At the next red carpet, find Megan Fox and lay one on her. Follow with a dual interview and revealing pictorial in GQ, Lip Locked: Girl Crushes Revealed.

10. Release an Advent Calendar. You've done the naughty one that was "just for Reggie Bush" and that other one, but think about the publicity from being the first celebrity to release an Advent calendar. Think of the joy you'll give adolescent males across the world at Christmas time as they peak behind each window.

Go out there, Kim, and make 2010 a year to remember!