27 Things to Drive You Crazy on the New York Subway

As a Brit living in New York these past 15 years I have become somewhat accustomed to New York City and its unique character. The fast paced hectic lifestyle, the ability to get mostly anything you can desire be it legal or ever so slightly illegal (not that I would do such a thing of course). As a microcosm of City Life here in the Big Apple the New York Subway seems to be a force unto itself. I don't know if I'll ever fully adapt to the subway here. Maybe it's my British reserve or maybe it's that the NY Subway makes people act in some strange and curious ways. Now anyone living in New York will at some point need to take the Subway and I'm sure that many have stories to tell. I for one am surprised that there are not more murders on the subways, especially at rush hour and if you've ever been privy to the innumerable heated arguments that occur at this time then you'll appreciate where I'm coming from. With so many deaths from Road Rage each year it astonishes me that Train Rage doesn't have the same stigma. So in light of the New York Subway and all it's craziness I thought I'd make a list of things I'd observed over the years both about the people on the subway and the people who run it. Rhyme, reason, logic and social grace are not the Subways strongest points. Some things make you smile, some things make you laugh and some things make you rant and rave like a lunatic. In light of this let the list begin:

Part One (Going to Work):

1: Anyone talking on a cell-phone at 7.00am in the morning. Here's some advice. The next time you find yourself sitting next to someone who insists on using their Cell-Phone for long periods of time in a raised voice talking about nothing of any importance you should do the following. A: curl the fingers of your right hand tightly into the palm of your hand until you have something called a fist. B: Apply said fist to the Cell-Phone User's head in a vigorous fashion. C: Repeat until annoying sound has ceased or you have been arrested, whichever comes first.

2: People who apparently need to get to work so desperately that they will lean precariously out over the platform peering longingly down the railway track in anticipation of their train's approach. It seems that if you look long enough your train will come.

3: Being kicked off a train with mechanical problems only to see it trundle happily off 5 minutes later in the opposite direction.

4: People who are constantly looking around to see who is on the train and the sense of excitement they appear to experience at each new stop as new people get on.

5: The endless list of excuses provided by the D.O.T. to explain the train's slow progress. Fire on the tracks, leaves on the tracks, rain on the tracks, snow on the tracks and trains up ahead (on the tracks) with mechanical troubles. These trains are of course the same trains that take off at break-neck speed after having kicked everyone off.

6: Those people who shout out 'Hold the Doors' when they are at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the platform and who are invariably slower than a 3 legged ant with an asthmatic condition.

7: The Trains that always seem to bypass my stop when they are behind schedule and the cheery faces of the passengers within as they hurtle past.

8: Those people who only ever appear to go to work when the weather's nice as you won't ever see them on the train platform otherwise and the annoyance this causes when trying to get your favorite seat.

9: The sense of shock, awe and amazement you feel when you can actually understand what the train announcer is saying.

10: Those parents who pay no attention to their annoying children as the "infant's terribles" run circles around poles screaming at the top of their lungs. This is however metered against the enjoyment experienced once said annoying children eventually fall and crack their heads on the hard plastic seats and the look of astonishment and concern that envelopes the parents faces as a result.

11: Pretty women with ultra-mini-skirts who shoot you dirty looks when they take their seats opposite you with only inches of material to cover their nooks and crannies. Am I not supposed to look? I'm a guy, with eyes even. I have no choice.

12: The (usually) tall lanky legged men who spread their legs fully when they sit as if they are expecting their water to break and a newborn baby's head begin crowning. If only they would push a bit harder maybe it would allow the rest of us to sit down.

13: Awakening after a quick snooze to find that the only thing in your immediate field of vision are a plethora of crotches.

14: Trying to reorganize the underwear that has inexorably found its way up your nether-regions just as you sat down and trying to do this whilst looking cool, calm and collected. For us guys there is also the added problem posed by dress pants which have the unerring habit of bunching up when you sit down forming strange thin erections which cause many moments of embarrassment as we try to sooth them out without it looking like we're playing with ourselves.

Part 2 (Coming Home):

15: After a tiring days work you get the train home, fall asleep and wake up only to find that you've managed to take your train in completely the wrong direction and have ended up in Queens and not as you'd hoped in Brooklyn. This has happened to me twice.

16: Being told on a rib-crushingly packed train that there is in fact another train directly behind the one you're desperately trying to squeeze onto. Well that's true I suppose. There is always a train directly behind you, but it could easily be 5 miles and 20 minutes directly behind you.

17: The people who lean/fall into you over and over and over again. Now, you can have some fun with this by quickly and quietly moving out of the way. Thwump! Hilarity ensues.

18: The lone troubled-man with a grudge against the world who always seems to pick the 5.00pm rush hour train to vent his anger and misery instead of the other 23.5 hours he could have picked.

19: Discovering that the person sitting opposite you is has been staring intently at you when you raise your eyes up from reading a novel or paper and the uncomfortable staring contest that ensues.

20: People who feel that rush-hour is the best time to push multitudes of babies around the City in multitudes of prams.

21: Those annoying people who upon entering the car rush to grab the last remaining seat only to get off at the very next stop.

22: Those strange people who seem to have no perception of personal space and what constitutes being just too damn close. This includes those portlier personages who will gladly share their blubber with you as they overflow the tiny plastic seats which incidentally must have been manufactured by extremely small-arsed people overseas as well as those people who seem un able to grip the poles properly and who's hands you watch in annoyance and disbelief as they gradually slide down to touch your own and then there are the strange people who will stand facing directly in front of you, face to face, one step away from a French-kiss - "Am I supposed to be making out with you or what!" Then there are the sporty types who get on with their bikes - why don't they cycle home! Then there are those who read enormous newspapers and feel the need to open them fully and have them overlap onto your legs and arms. The mysterious plastic wrapper crushers. These are the people who make strange prolonged noises with bits of plastic when you're trying to get some shut eye. I actually opened my eyes once and found a guy making balloon animals. This was one time where I could hardly stay mad. Balloon animals being exempt from my wrath.

23: The nervous anxiety you feel on those rare occasions when the cars are almost empty and you just hope and pray that the lone can of soda that's been rolling up and down the nearly empty cab will not roll its way inexorably towards you. It always does.

24: Finding yourself on an 'R' train that suddenly turns into an 'M' train. Getting off at a connecting stop and then waiting 30 minutes as 6 'M' trains pull in and out of the station. Then finally having to catch an 'M' train that's turned itself into an 'R' train. Confused? Yes, I was too.

25: People who upon entering the train ask if the train stops at a particular stop and then get annoyed when you don't know. Or alternatively spending ½ hour on the train with the same person explaining the subway system when big fluffy colored subway-maps abound.

26: Men wearing suits who brag about their jobs and or money but apparently not wealthy enough to avoid taking mass public transportation to and from work.

& finally

27: Those nicotine junkies who light up 10 seconds after having gotten off at their stop and the merriment of having cancer-inducing smoke waft into your lungs.

And that's it. If there are any New Yorkers reading this I'm sure that at least some of this will have been painfully familiar to you and even with all the gripes and groans the New York Subway is certainly at the very least entertaining!