3 Common Mistakes that Stepmothers Make

Being a step-mom is definitely not an easy job. Marrying a man with children from a previous relationship is a decision that you must consider carefully before jumping in. Even if you do consider and still decide to get married to a man with children, you will find that there will be a lot of challenges that arise that you did not expect.

It is important to be aware of the stigma that stepmothers already have in our society. Think back to the fairy tales that you heard as a child. Stories like Cinderella and SnowWhite depicted stepmothers as "evil" and "wicked". So as you see, as children we have an image put into our heads that whatever happens...we don't want a step-mom. Being aware of this stigma is important because it helps you see the way your stepchildren or their mother may view you-even if they don't openly treat you this way.

Now that you are aware of the stigma, here are some common mistakes to avoid:

Mistake #1-Being unrealistic

While it is understandable to enter into step-motherhood with expectations of befriending your stepchildren and their mother, it is sadly unrealistic. This is because in most cases you are considered the intruder. After all, before your entrance the child(ren) may have held on to the hope that their parents would be reunited (a common wish of children whose parents are split up) and now that you are marrying their father it is apparent that their wish will not be coming true. Also, the child's mother may still have feelings towards her ex that she hasn't dealt with and as a result she may not know how to act around you. So she may just take your eagerness to befriend her as phoniness, or worse, she may use your kindness to manipulate and cause conflict in your marriage. The best thing to do is to allow the relationships between you, your stepchildren, and their mother to unfold naturally. While it is fine to be friendly, a relationship can't be rushed-it takes time. You need to give yourself and your stepchildren time to adjust to new family life. If you give the relationships time to develop, they will be genuine...and who knows you may just end up being good friends with your stepchildren's mom.

Mistake #2-Overstepping Your Boundaries

Another common mistake that stepmothers make is to begin treating the kids as if they belonged solely to herself and her spouse. While it is nice to treat stepchildren as if they were you own, it is not appropriate for you to ignore or deny the fact that they have a biological mother. If you act this way you will cause your stepchildren's mother to feel threatened and this will lead to a lot of arguments between yourself and her. Even if you are in a situation where your stepchildren's mother is not very involved or "fit", you should still acknowledge her. This is because no matter what your stepchildren may say (even if they say negative things) they love their mother. The bond between mother and child is strong and withstands a lot, even abandonment.

Mistake #3-Not Letting Your Husband Be a Dad

Since women are naturals at taking care of a home, it is easy to join the family and get carried away in the day-to-day activities of cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework, etc. You have to be very careful, though, that you do not try to do too much too fast. It is important for you to remember that before you came along your husband and his children had a life...that didn't include you. That means that he knows how to take of his children, and you should give him every opportunity to continue to do those things. If he was the one who cooked the meals, maybe you guys can alternate cooking during the week so that you're not doing it all. You can also alternate and divide household chores, running errands, etc.

Step parenting is tough, and so is balancing the life of a blended family-the high divorce rate in second marriages proves that. Your family can beat the odds though. Remember to avoid the 3 common mistakes and good luck!