3 Reasons You Don't Need a Restraining Order

Plenty of people are genuinely stalked, harassed, and put in danger by their exes. These people can and should seek the help of law enforcement so that they are able to live their lives in relative peace and safety. But how do you know if you should seek a restraining order? In my travels on many internet forums, I have seen a lot of people asking advice about this topic. Most of them, even according to their side of the story, don't have much of a case to present to a judge. If you don't have time or money to consult with a lawyer, sometimes it can be hard to decide whether or not to pursue a restraining order.

A restraining order requires that you apply at your local court, using forms and papers that you must sign in front of a court clerk. The clerk will take these papers to the judge, who will review your case. If you are applying for an immediate or "ex parte" restraining order, he will probably question you, and you will be required to legally swear that you are in immediate physical danger. Whether or not you are granted an ex parte RO, the judge will set a hearing date, and the court clerk will help you find a marshal to serve the papers to your harasser.

At the hearing, both parties will be given the opportunity to peaceably agree on the terms of the restraining order. If this does not happen, the judge will hear your case.

Keep in mind that the purpose of a restraining order is to protect you from physical pain or harm, or the threat of physical pain or harm. If you have received threatening emails or letters, save them - they will be helpful in making your case with the judge. Research the laws in your state regarding phone calls, and if you can legally record them without the other party knowing. If you can, do - and use the threatening ones at your hearing.

If you are not being physically threatened, think twice before you pursue this. Things to keep in mind:

1. All a restraining order does is make it slightly more likely that your harasser will be arrested and strongly prosecuted.
If s/he is doing something crazy, illegal, and/or disruptive, a restraining order probably won't make a difference one way or the other - that person is going to jail. Once they are being sentenced, the restraining order will be taken into account, but it's not a magic piece of paper that makes McCrazy leave your life forever.

2. For someone who is not putting you in danger or threatening to, a restraining order might feed their psychosis.
Taking out a restraining order against someone can send the message, "I'm paying attention to you, and I'm afraid." If that person is genuinely someone to be afraid of, then there's no problem - but if it's just an ex sending you creepy emails saying "I'll love you forever!" then you're giving them the exact attention they need to keep going.

3. You may think you are sending clear signals, when you really aren't.
Some people are really, really hard to ignore. Sometimes, even when someone turns psycho, you have a tiny bit of affection left for them. This is nothing to be ashamed of - it's normal. But it might be causing you to send out signals that are giving them the wrong impression; they might genuinely not realize that you really, REALLY want to be left alone. Remember that everything you do and say is being filtered through their stalker-ish brain. If you make eye contact, acknowledge them, answer their phone calls, post about them (directly or indirectly) on Livejournal, MySpace, or Facebook, make references to them in your AIM away messages, or ANYTHING of that sort, they will see it as encouragement. You may still think about them, and you may still love them a little, but to them, it has to appear you have completely cut them out of your life and you're delighted about it. Once you have made a completely clean break, they will either get the message, or escalate their behavior to the point where you might have a case.

So, good luck dealing with McCrazy. Whether or not you've got a case to take to court, your life is headed in a better direction.