30 Second Movie Reviews

I'm the type of guy who can write for hours, but when it comes to movies, I find that my reviews can be best accomplished in 30 seconds or less, so without further ado, here are some reviews.

Inside Man: The previews for this movie made me initially wet my pants. A movie starring Clive Owen, Denzel, Jodie Foster? They couldn't go wrong! And they didn't. While I sat through this movie, every second that passed flowed wonderfully. Clive Owen proved that he is the best new famous actor, Denzel cemented his ever too familiar cop role, and Jodie Foster reinvented herself as an uber capitalist bitch. And then they threw Willem Dafoe in there, and you had a classic. The twists were surprising, yet predictable and the political undertone you're fed halfway through the movie suprisingly fits. Grade: A+

Clerks 2: This movie was classic, pure and simple. Kevin Smith is a moviemaking god, and aside from his casting of his own wife as Dante's fiance, everything was great. All the monologues, arguments, actors, scenes, and even the soundtrack were fantastic. Rosario Dawson looked phenomenal as well. Grade A+

United 93: This movie made me tear up. At the end, in the already known ending, the build up of the movie had me shaking and PRAYING that these people don't die and somehow save the day even though that was not what happened. There were no major stars in this movie, and a lot of the people in the Airport and the Military installations were playing themselves. Paul Greengrass was simply amazing as director of this film and the fact that he donated a % of the opening weekend gross to the 9/11 memorial made me like him even more: Grade A

World Trade Center: Given the small number of movies I can compare this too, that being United 93, I can safely say this movie is not as good as the other one. This movie, about the saddest event in my time did not even bring a tear to my eye. But it was still phenomenally made with great cinematics; Grade A

Thank you for Smoking: Cmon, its me. This is a POLITICAL SATIRE. THEREFORE I HAVE TO LOVE IT. Seriously though, I could not stop laughing throughout this entire movie. It was FUCKING HILARIOUS. Grade A

Click: Wow, the first hour of the movie was pure comedy gold, and then it happened. Adam Sandler proved himself to me as a quality dramatic actor. I mean I had already seen a smidgen of that in 50 first dates and Spanglish, but he had me wanting to cry in the last hour or so of the movie. Almost no actor can achieve that feet. This is another one of those movies (like the Break Up) that markets themselves as a comedy, but is more dramatic than anything. Christopher Walken is phenomenal in the crazy man role and Kate Beckinsale is the hottest woman alive. So hot that everytime we saw her, my friend Ryan would be like "so hot." Grade A-

Superman: Saw Superman the other day. While I viewing this cinematic masterpiece, I couldn't help but feel like I was a 5 year old watching the original superman. The Nostalgia in these movies is quite apparent, and Kevin Spacey is fucking excellent as an evil bad guy. Parker Posey's role as a dumb broad was hilarious, and my only problem was the fact that no one can figure out the Kent-Superman connection. HE LOOKS THE SAME. Fuckin DC comics. Best part of the movie is when the dog ate the other dog. Grade B+

The Da VInci Code: Whereas the above movie I found to be quite flawless in terms of Action, drama, and comedy, the rest unfortunately are not perfect. This movie was excellent don't get me wrong, but it had nothing to do with the actors whom I felt were pretty much all miscast. The book was incredible, and the good story simply made a good movie. Tom Hanks wasn't nerdy enough to pull off his character, and Jean Reno did not convince my either. The changes they made irritated me, but I dealt with them and enjoyed the movie enough to see it twice. Grade B+

The Hills have Eyes: A lot of people would question my choice to put a horror movie at #5, but Wes Craven hit a grand slam with this disturbing horrific film with some of the most disgusting scenes I've seen in a movie, something I never thought I would say after the eyeball scene in Hostel. The acting was good for a horror movie, the setting was scary, the bad guys elicited the "wow I feel bad for them, but they shouldn't kill people" feelings that all good horror villains should, and the death scenes were phenomenal. Grade: B

The Breakup: I'm a vince Vaughn fanatic. He hasn't made one movie I haven't liked from his EVIL CHARACTER in Made that was so evil and annoying that I had to stop the movie multiple times. I did not realize till after I saw Clay Pigeons that he was trying to be that annoying, and it made me enjoy that movie so much more. This movie was good, had its funny moments, but it was too dramatic, which kept it from being higher on the list. I hated the ending too. Grade: B-

Pirates: I liked this movie a lot. It was completely entertaining from start to finish, but in the end, it turned out to be an ad for Pirates 3 which let me down. I love the cast, plot and everything else but this is a movie you should buy and watch the day you see Pirates 3 in theaters. Grade B-

A Scanner darkly: This movie disappointed me. A lot of external factors influenced this movie experience for me, such as a hot theater, small seatsand talkative movie goers but I left the theater feeling exhausted and let down. A great plot with a decent cast however. Grade B-

The Descent: I felt completely claustrophobic watching this movie, which made me afraid a bunch of times. The characters in this movie were decent, although poorly built up, but hey what can you expect from a horror movie. I was VERY upset at how Juno was treated over her actions. She was completely justified in doing what she did. Grade B-

You, Me, and Dupree: I love Matt Dillon as an actor, but he tried too hard to make this movie funny and in doing that, he failed miserably. Michael Douglas was miscast in this role clearly meant for someone else, but Owen Wilson saved the movie with his over the top antics and screwball comedic ventures. Grade: C+

Fast and The Furious 3: It's not so much that this movie was good persay, but all the rest sucked. Granted, this movie was better than the second movie, had decent acting, THE MOTHERFUCKING Yakuza, and Vin Diesel Cameo's, and some hot indian chick, but it wasn't a great movie by any means. Grade C

Hostel: The pure shock factor in this movie made me enjoy it. It made me queezy and nothing else had up until that point. I especially enjoyed it after it went from pure horror to a Tarantino Revenge Flick. Grade C

X-men: I hated this movie as a Comic book movie, as the last movie in a franchise, and as an X-Men movie. There were no less than 39 mistakes in the adaptation, most of which are forgivable, but most are not forgivable. This movie sucked, Halle Berry sucked the life out of the movie, they made Wolverine a pussy, and Kitty Pryde was too young to be the star. That said, it was still an X-Men movie, which is better than any Tom Cruise action flick and it had a good cast, even though most of them died. Grade C-

Grandmas Boy: Ok, this movie was hilarious, but not in the intelligent hilarity type of way but more of the Dumb and Dumber humor type of way except 1000x better. I laughed throughout it, and I still quote the movie to this day, but it just relied on gag jokes. Grade C-

Scary Movie 4: Better than 2 and 3, not as good as 1......still pretty overrated, but Scary Movie is like the Weird Al of movies and I enjoy that. Grade C-

Mission Impossible 3: I did not like this movie. I do not like Tom Cruise. This character sucks. The pure fact that Ving Rhames, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Laurence Fishburne were in it save the movie in my eyes, and give it a grade above a D. Grade C-

Final Destination 3: I really enjoy the idea behind this, that death has a plan. I love the series, minus this movie. Lacked Tony Todd, the scariest motherfucker alive. Lots of Boston references and an ending that scared the shit out of me in a "holy shit I'm never going on a subway" again type of fear. Grade C-

Underworld 2: This is where the suck starts. Ok, so Kate Beckinsale is fucking gorgeous and I love vampire movies. Sad part is, as hot as she and her accent are, she cant fucking act. She did get naked however. Movie still stucked hardcore. Grade D

Talledega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby: As much as I enjoyed the complete trashing of everything southern or related to car racing, Will Farrell has struck out for the third time in his starring movie roles. At least in my opinion. He can not hold a movie up on its own. In order for his movies to be good, they need a strong supporting cast which this movie lacked, and aside from the sporadic gag lines, the movie bored me. Grade D+

When A stranger Calls: Um, so some high school girl who can run fast babysits in a strange house where some dude tries to kill her. OMG THE PHONE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE. Scary OR A COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS REMAKE OF AN AWESOME HORROR MADE IN THE 80's. Grade F Ultraviolet: This was incredibly short, seemed rush, had a bad cast, and should have been good. It wasn't. That makes me angry. Grade: F

Firewall: Han Solo. Indiana Jones. Jack Ryan. The President in "Air Force One." Harrrison Ford is awesome in all of these movies, but sadly he goes the route of Hollywood Homicide and brings this movie to a whole new level of suckitude. I felt like I was picking dingleberries out of my ass while I watching this movie. Grade F-

Freedomland: Samuel L. Jackson, Edie Falco, Julianne Moore. Lots of angry poor black people. An abandoned Asylum. A missing kid. Ok, so Julianne Moore is a piece of white trash who beats herself up when she gets stressed, Samuel L. Jackson is an ex addict (I think, because he freaks out and needs to inject himself with something in public. They never explain it, like almost everything else in this shitfest), and Edie Falco is the head of a Neighborhood watch type of group that finds missing kids. All 3 of them suck in these roles, and the ending of this movie made me want to suicide bomb the directors house.To describe my feelings on this, I think I will do it this way: Imagine being forced to watch Dr. Phil 24/7 for weeks on end while picking crusty dingleberries out your ass and being forced to live without brushing your teeth so you can taste and smell your mouth rotting. THAT IS HOW FUCKING AWFUL THIS MOVIE IS. Grade: extra Dingleberries