4-27-09

I told him I thought I had made a mistake. Fuck Buddies aren't supposed to fall for each other. I'm afraid of being in love again. I don't want to be afraid. He said that everything would be alright. I didn't really care about the rest. It didn't seem relevant. I'm not sure what he meant when he said we needed to level ourselves out. I'm not sure it matters. As long as he stays, I'll be happy.
We've been doing this for almost a year now. It was may of last year. I was broken. I wonder sometimes if I would still be with the other if I had just trusted him, and ignored what I knew. I would have been married now. I wonder if we would have had kids. I want to be a mommy so badly. He had said that he would be there if we had gotten pregnant. I wonder if he really meant it. I wonder if I could have had everything I wanted, but I can't blame myself.
I still believe that he was cheating, that he was lying. I couldn't trust him the way I used to. My angel had fallen. I shouldn't have held him so high.
Then I found an old friend. We snuck off into the shadows. That's where he saved me from my demons. The pixie was watching with Vanilla Ice. I think they enjoyed the show. We didn't need anything. It was enough just to enjoy each other's company for the moment.
I wish I could just live in those moments. Maybe that's why I started wanting more. They never last long enough. It tortures me when they're gone.