5 Advertising Deceptions

I am not a marketing expert, an ad executive or a Ralph Nader wannabe. What I am is your average, run of the mill consumer who spends her hard earned money on products that are touted as the latest, greatest, best smelling, new-and-improved, delicious, insert catchy adjective here whozeewhatzit ever to hit your local shelves. I'm sure everyone has a mental list of things that didn't quite measure up to how they were advertised and yet, we still buy them.

These are just my opinions of course, but here is a collection of my all time "They Lie!" products.

Sunless Tanner: New & Improved Scent! Now in floral!
I have yet to find any sunless tanner-- unscented, floral, coconut, you name it--that does not smell like a combination of 3 day old diaper and Lysol. I don't care if the product will turn me the most luscious shade of golden brown, give me that St. Tropez glow, and magically transport me to the Riviera. If I can't leave my house because people wrinkle their noses and sniff uncomfortably as I walk past, it's not worth it. Did I mention I can't stand the smell of myself to the point of being unable to get to sleep? Pass.

Cherry Flavored Nyquil/ Robitussin/Whatever: Fruit Flavor Kids Love!
I always find it interesting what passes for fruit flavors: strawberry fast food shakes (does anyone think these taste like strawberries?), tropical fruit Lifesavers, lemon candies, sour apple Mentos. Honestly, does anyone think cherry flavored medicine tastes even remotely like its' namesake? When I had that awful cold-that-never-ends that everyone seemed to catch about a month ago, I would take my nightly swig of cherry Nyquil or Robitussin, depending on my level of stuffiness. Average stuffiness equaled a small gag-producing shot of Nyquil, extreme stuffiness received a throat-burning, foot-tapping, "Oh, sweet Lord, what is this?" dose of Robitussin. They were both labeled "Cherry Flavored" and both made me think I would have preferred to gargle with soap scum remover. What I really want to know is, "Who was on the test panel that gave this flavor a thumbs up?"

Lemon Scented Cleaner: With Ammonia!
I will preface this by saying I love the smell of lemons: real lemons, fake lemon-y candles, citrus shower gel, whatever. What I am talking about are those lemon scented cleaners that, when you remove the cap, make your eyes water and your cat pass out. People, if it has ammonia in it, it's going to smell like ammonia. No amount of additives is going to make ammonia smell like real citrus. You can dress up a pig in a suit, but it's still a pig.

Bathroom Spray: Eliminates odors! Fresh Linen-Breeze-Rain-Mountain Scent!
While I'm rambling about stuff that smells, I tread carefully into the area known as Bathroom Odor. Probably every person you know has that ubiquitous can of aerosol on their shelf. It's Fresh Linen Scent or Lilac or Daisies or Apple Cinnamon Muffins or Newly Washed Camel or something. It smells fine when you press the button in the store, releasing all those happy little scent particles. The problem is when you get it home and use it for its' intended purpose: you spray, it hits the less-than-desirable odor in your bathroom and voila! You know have a room that smells like Lilacs & Sewage! Of course, that probably wouldn't sell as much, so they just shortened the name.

Hair Coloring Kits: Fresh, pleasant scent!
Raise your hand if you've ever colored your hair at home. Okay, now raise your hand if your kit had the phrase "fresh floral scent" or "none of that ammonia smell" on the package and you ended up with no visible roots but you squinted your eyes so hard during the 20 minute coloring process because the smell was so awfully and overpoweringly bad that you thought you'd cry and you checked your nostrils to see if it also singed off your nose hairs. I have no idea why they so often say "floral scent" because, quite frankly, if I had a garden or patch of flowers that smelled like these concoctions I would mow it all down and hose down my lawn with bleach. The kicker is that I've heard all these experts recommend that you don't wash your hair for a day or two afterward! Now you're stuck with hair that smells like toxic waste while your color "sets". Lovely!

I keep holding on to that belief that manufacturers will come out with something that will actually do what it says it does, tastes how they say it tastes or smells the way they say it does. Is that too much to ask?